I've gone and killed something. Or have badly wounded it - hard to write as tears run down my cheeks like warm blood from a ragged cut.
A simple conversation with Vegas before I left work spawned a terrible monster in my head as I walked home, and before I knew it I was in full-blown panic mode. Hard to breathe, tummy ache, sweaty palms kind of panic mode.
I saw our life together down the road and "real life" smacked me in the face. And instead of breathing through it, I got on chat and just blurted it all out, it became a heated exchange that got nasty before I left to get the dogs from the sitters. Once back, he was still online so I tried to explain but only felt like I was sinking in deeper -
Am I ready for this? Why do I feel trapped and in a race against the clock? Why am I so afraid to fail? Why is everything going so damn fast? What part of myself will I have to give up in all of this, silently or loudly, to keep the peace? Will he love me less for being such a bitch?
Then a freezing panic just nailed me to the spot.
I can't move. I can't lose all the control I've managed to scrape together since last summer. I can't do this. I can't breathe. I can't make any decisions right now bigger than choosing what to wear every morning. I'm not strong enough. All the options we have fill me with fear and dread: not living together will be draining, uninspiring and pointless yet living together will create new stresses and kill what we have.
Fucking hell. I had no idea I had this garbage sitting in my head, ready to be spilled on the sidewalk with one little kick.
After a few hours of chatting, things are ok but nothing is decided. And something, I'm not sure what, has been broken. I feel drained, dirty and defeated. He is the love of my life yet I am fucking it up before even giving it a chance, because I am so afraid to fail. Because I want everything, without giving anything back. And worst of all, because I hurt him and he did nothing, nothing at all, to deserve this. Me and my fucking baggage.
I feel like shit.
14 comments:
Baggage is hard. I think you're so courageous to put yourself back out there, and so brave to love again. Give yourself a break. We all have moments of insecurity and fear. It's part of who you are and just as deserving of love as the easy parts. (does that make sense?)
Feed your faith and starve those nasty fears.
There is nothing easy about making a commitment.....I wish I could say otherwise.......
I hope you get some things sorted out soon......
If I may say: The profession of love from both of you seems too genuine and sincere to let apprehension spoil such a gift.......
-Sometimes you have to dig really deep-
Sounds to me like you and Vegas have the "real thing" and that means he loves you warts and all. Better to work it through now then to bury it and have it come back and bite your ass later. I am sure that you will work through it together and be stronger for it.
(((hugs)))
Oh honey, I don't know what I can say to make this feel any better; but you're a brilliant wonderful person and I know you can get through this - just stay strong.
::HUGS::
oh doll! don't let your fear and insecurity get to you. you are so smart and brave. ride out your feelings, blog em out, work them out, be pro-active, but don't let them get the best of you! you said it yourself, you have found the love of your life....hold on tight!! you give girls like me hope and strength! **hugs**
This is true love, do you think this happens every day?
You haven't killed it and you haven't wounded it either. Fights happen, fear happens, love is scary stuff. He sounds a good man and a good man can take a hit, especially when they know that their woman is scared.
*hugging you*
This is marriage honey, now go sort it out.
Do you know what? I'm proud of you. I know from where you stand what happened yesterday isn't something to be proud of, but I think it's a great sign. It means you're putting yourself first.
Our "baggage" is there to teach us lessons. Sometimes we think we know what's right and our instincts show up and tell us otherwise. As your other friends say, if it's true love then he'll understand your reservations and seek to find a solution that is best for both of you.
It's funny how so often we say or do something because our gut is pushing us to, and then we feel badly about it. But I say listen to that part of you, it wants to help you.
We're not kids anymore. This true love stuff... it's wonderful and I'm really glad for you that you both feel you've found it, but you and I both know there are no fairy tales. Real life is... far from perfect. And we're past closing our eyes and jumping in just for the thrill of it and blind faith that everything will just work itself out.
Keep honoring yourself. Anyone who truly loves you will respect you all the more for it.
xoxo
Thank you for all your kind and encouraging words, everyone... am too drained to reply to each of you individually today but please know I feel blessed and very lucky to know you all.
Your words and thoughts mean alot to me. I just need a bit of time to recuperate from the mess I made. (hugs back)
I hope you feel better this morning. I think the only way you would be fucking anything up is if you were to go into this union without being aware of the realities of the commitment.
You would be lying to yourself if you thought things wouldn't change.
Things will change, but Vegas is the love of your life and it'll change you (and him) for the better and the betterment of your relationship.
It's hard to let go of those anxieties, especially when your biggest supporter & support system is thousands of miles away. Whoever said, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" should be kicked in the chins.
Every couple has had a hurtful fight, so please don't think it's broken. It just takes more to feel the repairs because you can't be together to kiss and make-up.
tbh I think this is more to do with you respecting yourself (or not, as is the case at the moment), than me respecting you. Much as you advised Martini not to put up with people treating her badly, you need to stop putting up with _you_ treating you badly.
It's ok to have flakey days, it's ok to freak out that things (maybe) are happening sooner than we expected, it's ok to throw all your toys out of the pram and lose the plot. It's ok. It's a helluva thing we're attempting to do - I freak out sometimes too remember?
As I've told you many times before - cut yourself some slack. Setting high standards for yourself is a good thing, but when you don't meet them you beat yourself over the head with them. That has to stop in order for you to live comfortably with yourself.
Sometimes we don't act how we would like - learn from it and work on behaving differently the next time.
Experience is something you get just after you needed it.
Love
Vegas *not sure if this sort of thing should be on a blog, but hope it helps whether you post it or not (you know how I am with internet dramah - *grin*)*
Vegas, I am only publishing this so that maybe it can help someone else someday... surely we all have these moments in life?
Reality? check.
Dreams? check.
Mixing the both? trying my damndest... it's just not all rainbows and butterflies at the moment. But that's OK, right?
I'm glad you posted Vegas' comment because then we see the other side of the freak out.. :D
I hope he handles it well, anyway, because it probably won't be the last one.
See that bright orange bag in the corner? That's my freak out bag too. I try not to bring it out too often. Scary things in there... *blushes*
I dont have anything to add, I basically agree with everyone else.
We all have baggage, some more than others and some are easier to find than others. Mine comes out at the strangest times, its in a little Camo bag (unlike Prins orange one) it may be small but the stuff in there scares me.
I am self diagnosed commitment-phobic to be honest, however its strange that at the same time I have climber issues to add to it. Where I am in my life is definately not ready to marry (not sure if I ever could take that plunge) and at the same time I am not ready to move on from where I am.
So... point for now, its alright to express yourself and say what scares you, say what is on your mind, its better than holding it in right?
Hang in there, what ever will be will be ;)
Post a Comment