Warning of the day

Anything you say or do will be used against you on the internet!

Silent roars

"We're animals. We're born like every other mammal and we live our whole lives around disguised animal thoughts." ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Just a few more minutes...

Until blessed vacation. S'hard to believe it but yes, it is true: I survived another quarter end with a chopped-up team and not much sleep as a single mom! Wooo!

*insert happy dance*

I might not be blogging much the next week as I have visit from out of town and will focus on being a good host as opposed to an internet addict, but I'll still plug in various bits of news here and there. Tonight is laundry and exterminating the colonies of dust bunnies that mysteriously appeared overnight (thanks alot, shedding dogs), I need a pedicure and if I fall asleep in the bath I swear it's not my fault. I swear.

Hold the light!

"I am woman! I am invincible!

I am pooped!" ~Author Unknown

Living on a prayer

Dear Lord,

It's finally Friday,

I shall eat no meat

In return can you please

Give me the strength

To not pass out

Before 6pm?

Amen.

I walked out of the house covered in white dog fluff this morning - of course I'm stupid enough to wear black the day after they got a bath so I'm asking for trouble, but still. I quit brushing them after half a dozen handfuls of fluff came off the brush and grooming rake, it's just an impossible mess - at least they don't reek of dead fritos anymore.

Don't think I have any significant rants this morning... the normal lack of sleep and ensuing headache applies (damn Facebook Scrabble challenges, gaaah!) and I need a helluva lot more caffeine than one measly espresso to get through this loooong day. OK I need to catch up on my fellow bloggers, they're much more entertaining than I am today! Woot!

Poised for greatness

"Flying without feathers is not easy; my wings have no feathers." ~Titus Maccius Plautus

I wish I did drugs.

Seriously. Anything to numb this pain and warm up the ice in my veins. I'd open a bottle of wine but I asked my liver and it said "no thanks"... what's left? Had the chocolate bar and the gummi bears already, can't be bothered to eat any real food so today's rack-up really sucks: peanut butter toasts for breakfast, burger/fries/bit o'salad for lunch. No dinner besides a tiny bowl of soup. Bleh.

Why the sad face, you may ask? As my life is so wonderful (and it is!). Well tonight my Ex said a final goodbye to his kids and it tore me up... it was a terrible moment. It's been so bad, he's recently taking up smoking again to get through it all - you'd have to know him to understand what ciggies mean.

Tomorrow night we say our final goodbyes, still a few last logistics to work out and then... that's it. He flies home to the other side of the world in 1o days but I won't see him anymore. I plan to wear waterproof mascara and carry a mile-long list of chores to keep busy after a long sordid day of work then caring for the dogs, I mean what's a girl to do? He dumped me (kinda sorta... I did let him go) and now starts a fresh new life and I'm going to focus on that with all my heart and soul. Someone out there, someday, will find me and keep me. I just know it. In the meantime? I am single, free and stretching out these massive wings, there is a breeze in the air and I'll let it take me where I'm supposed to go.

In reply to the dare...

Someone commented on an earlier post and asked where I would most like to eat... ice cream... in a dare kinda way. Well, that's an easy one, see my lady friend here holding my cone? Ooops sorry gotta run, it's melting! :-D

Kidney poll: voting has ended

The last poll asked: A wealthy, dying person offers you money for one of your kidneys - this would save his/her life. How much would it take?

You voted:

I'd do it for free and just feel good I saved a life. 25%
I would never sell or give a body part! 44%
I'd take as much as I could get. 19%
I'd be fine with $50K. 13%
Not for less than $100K. 0%
At least $250K if not more. 0%

Hmm well I dunno about you guys, but I'd seriously give thought to selling a kidney for a million bucks... I mean I have two of them right? My gramma is 86 and has lived most of her adult life with only one kidney so it doesn't scare me. Plus I would be saving a life, so no moral dilemma. OK maybe 2 million then! LOL

The gift that keeps on giving

"Hey gramma, can you knit me one of those for Christmas?"

Empty train

The brain is chugging along but the empty containers are going 'round the track in circles, chugga chugga, still too censored to blog about anything significant so I guess that makes for a boring read most of the time. Who wants to hear incessant whining? The world is all about sex, drugs and rock n'roll now...Tsk. I'd rather love, booze and techno/trance. Yeah.

This disturbs me:

George Zokos is a professional shepherd in Tyrnavos, Greece, but due to health problems three years ago (according to an August Agence France-Presse dispatch), he now herds the sheep from his car. [Agence France-Presse, 8-12-07]

I guess he can't afford a herding dog? How the hell do you herd sheep from a car? Does he farm on a parking lot? Does he use a modified horn that barks instead of honks? Does his sheep meat taste like gas fumes? WTF, man. *shakes head*

On Siggy:

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces." ~Sigmund Freud

English weather

It's grey, it's raining, it's Britain in a bottle being poured on our heads - LOL! I guess now we're paying for all the gorgeous weather we'd been having - nothing in life is free.

No dramas to report, it's been fairly quiet... the demons in my head had a blast all night long with psycho dreams, prolly fed on the strange convos I had before going to bed. Funny how an inebriated person can spill so many secrets although one has to wonder, is the adage "drunken words are sober thoughts" really true? If so, I smile. If not, I smile cynically. Bah. Time will tell its tale.

"Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts." Groan.

Fogged lenses

"We don't see things as they are,

we see them as we are."

~Anaïs Nin

Inebriated musings, bla bla bla

Tonight after work, I sat in the big field and watched a beautiful show unfurl in the sky high above me. The setting sun painted the surrounding lazy stretched clouds in purples, pinks, pale blues and shadows, illuminating the fat bloated moon rising on the horizon behind my back - what a show. It was peaceful, and it gave me time to breathe and to... not think. Even the kids were mellow and clingy - I guess they do feel it when mom feels lonely.

One of my exes had a baby a few days ago - well his girlfriend had the baby, tsk - and seeing the photo just made me feel... unrooted, unaccomplished and unsure of what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing with my life. No, I don't want a child, never did and never will. It's not about that. Rather, how do people just "know" that this is what they want? They buy a house, they chose a mate, they make kids, they chose jobs, they go to disneyland and play golf and and - why aren't any of those things appealing to me? They scream stability (=boredom) yet isn't it what I crave? To belong?

Yet I need to be free, or at least to feel free. Looks like I'm in a helluva pickle.

I don't wanna talk about it!

Can I choose to stick my head in the sand on this one? This afternoon a conversation about the sea just dragged my mood down to fish poo level, for no good reason whatsoever - bam! Intense melancholy and I'm reverted to clutching at tissues again. FFS! It's not so bad now (a few hours later) and I've lined up this evening's schedule to include very little chores - not even tanning - and a glass of wine so yeah, it's like passing a damn kidney stone or something. Although I've never had one. Heard it's like passing a prickly bowling ball on fire through your peehole or something.

Prin this one is for you!

*snicker* She'll know why!!!

Muggy! Hot! UGH!

OK I am officially sick and tired of this hot, stupid heavy muggy sweaty weather, WTF?! Can we pleeeease have a bit of cool 20C autumn weather already? Sigh. Tossed and turned all night in my stuffy bedroom, too hot to sleep - just overall uncomfortable. Meh!

3 more days and I'm on vacation... seems unreal. Am picking up my friend from the airport at lunchtime on Saturday and that seems even more unreal - a bit scary but oh, what an adventure all this is! Sigh. Life's speeding by like a... bullet. So thank you Covenant for this bassgroovy song:

time is like a bullet from behind
I run for cover just like you
time is like a liquid in my hands
I swim for dry land just like you

time is like a blanket on my face
I try to be here just like you
time is just a fiction of our minds
I will survive and so will you

we are the only ones right now that are celebrating
and we are joining hands right now
we are the only ones right now that are suffocating
we are the dying ones right now

as the water grinds the stone
we rise and fall
as our ashes turn to dust
we shine like stars

kisses on the dancefloor in my past
I need some comfort just like you
beating like a bass drum time goes by
I want the last dance just like you

drowning in the flood of morning light
I'm only human just like you
do you hear the city waking up
I will survive and so will you

we are the only ones right now that are celebrating
and we are joining hands right now
we are the only ones right now that are suffocating
we are the dying ones right now

In my garden, pt 2

"Won't you come into the garden?

I would like my roses to see you."

~Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Mystery solved!

Well... so I hope, and we shall see. Got my boy's 2nd thyroid test results back this afternoon and it's clear now that it is waaay too low, he needs be put on a daily hormone supplement for life... That explains his thin greasy coat that just won't grow back - while his sister's coat is most plush and gorgeous so it isn't the diet - and we should see an improvement within three months... Sigh. More blood tests to make sure that the dosage is correct and his body is absorbing the meds, but things should get easier with time. I'm almost relieved there is an actual cause to his crappy thin coat and that we caught this problem in time. Yeah. That's an expensive pure-bred dog for ya, LOL!

Today was such a rush, ups and downs and a few dramas to spice things up (Ex bought his plane ticket home to Oz... no comment) and here we are, 8pm and I just sat down for a quick blog then I'm up again to scrub the skanky kitchen and steamvac the skanky lounge carpet. Woo! Pretty soon all the skankiness will be gooooone, sweet lord jesus!

Clocking out while the moon rises

I'm too tired to think straight... what a day. I freaked out at work before slamming the door and running out (late), too many frustrations, whacked-out schedules, silly demands and tools that don't work - UUGGHH I need to keep a bottle of Tums on my desk!! I've decided to start later and leave later to appease the sharks, that should provide some temporary relief this week.

Dinner was spicy cheese popcorn, two cookies, half a chocolate bar and a handful of gummi bears. So there. And I don't want no flack about it either, I deserve some time off from good behavior! Dangnabbit.

OK am passing out here, see you guys on the other side of the sun. Or planet revolution. You get the drift.

Must not bend to fear.

"Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death." ~Betty Bender

On endings and new beginnings

Funny how momentous events collide and crash sometimes... my Ex gave his official resignation at work today, I was hoping to feel relieved and elated for him but no, instead I feel an immense sadness overwhelm me. Christ how many setbacks am I going to have? I've been told it's all part of the process of moving forwards, of cutting ties and putting things to an end. Sure doesn't feel good, that's all I know. Awe, crap. Why am I so weak, when I have so much goodness in my life and so much to look forward to? Shut up little devil voice inside my head, shut the fuck UP! Stop getting in the way of my happiness!

OK I'm tired, really really tired and my emotions are raw, feel gutted and vulnerable right now and should honestly just step away from the pile of cold wet spaghetti that are my feelings. I am soooo looking forward to a week of escapism, of cutting loose and just Living, not thinking or worrying or working - just "being". Not only do I need a break, I damn well deserve one and I can't wait for my friend to get here, I need to find the inspiration to smile again... and he does that.

I'm always reminded of a great quote I once read in a Stephen King book (don't remember which one though, duh): "He had one foot in the past, one foot in the future and was pissing all over the present".

I'll be damned if I turn into such a character!

The summer that never wants to end (no complaints)

Yeah. Another shorts and t-shirt extravaganza - hope it lasts another month, this is great stuff! Am still not quite awake yet despite the two morning walks, latte and all that jazz. What the hell, it's Monday morning so I'm not analyzing that one too much. Meh. I'll post more later if I can find some inspiration between the cotton-headed yawns.

Ascension

"The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone." ~George Elliot

The power of love

My ex and my best friend today again showed me what real love is all about... and I am blown away. Out of respect and because I've always told him everything and don't know how to be any different, I told him today about my special friend who will arrive next weekend for a visit, and what that entailed... I was expecting him to react as most would have: be upset, mad at me, too hurt to speak... but no. This man is the most amazing creature ever. Not only does he understand that I need to make this final break from our past together: he gave us his blessing and only wants my happiness in all of this.

I cried, we spoke on the phone and oh, it's so hard to hurt someone you love even if the relationship is over. He did his best to reassure me that it was OK, to not ruin this time by feeling guilty or anything but to just live, have fun and move on - he would deal with it and always be there for me, no matter what. How I ever got so lucky, I don't know - I feel blessed from 360 degrees and not sure how to handle all of this, to be honest. Am waiting for the proverbial ax to fall, how can life be so kind to me? Why me?

It's late and I'm mentally and physically wiped out... time for shower and bed soon. It wasn't a relaxing weekend but hey, next week I'm on vacation! What? Did I really write that? *happy dance*

Last stretch before the home run... gonna be a wicked crazy week at work with quarter end, my bosses are in town and I have to absorb my colleague's duties on top of everything - he's gone as of this coming Friday. Need to get some good sleep, keep up the exercise and healthy diet, remember to breathe and oh yes, make the daily lists a bit smaller before they kill me. Simple enough... right?

On that note: it reeks of skunk all the way into my appartment, in the middle of the city: how nasty is that? Can there be no escape from vermin? I just pity the poor dog/cat/creature that got skunked though! eeeek! My ultimate nightmare. G'nite peeps.

Your world belongs to you

"All that Adam had, all that Caesar could, you have and can do.... Build, therefore, your own world." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Nature

"Pool juice"

I drank too much for my own good, which partly could explain why I was so bad at pool tonight but let's be serious, I play once every two or three years and I'm pretty bad! But oh I had a great time nonetheless, thank you Boo for putting this together, the A brothers are as much a riot as always and you truly de-virginized N with the stick n'balls *grin*

Today... well it was OK. I didn't do half the things I wanted to do but ya know: so what. Around dinnertime I passed out on the couch for an hour so yeah, maybe I need more sleep and less chores. Sigh. I can see the finish line though... it's more of a symbolic thing at this point, like recreating a new place in the image of my new self. It's all slowly coming together, I just would like to rush through it but *shrug*... I need to learn to pace myself and not always want nownownow! (it's hard)

Tomorrow... is already here so me and my beertummy are going to bed now - sweet dreams await me in the land of wolves.

In search of truths

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. " ~Buddha

Closing the poll tomorrow

So if you haven't cast your votes yet... it's now or never!

Meh.

I thought that a good 10 hours' sleep have me all hoppy today but I just feel totally lame. 4th day of waking up with a headache, I've got no energy yet am looking at a mile-long list of chores to attack. Sigh. It's hot and muggy - wtf is 28C doing at the end of Sept? this ain't Morroco! - and I just want to sleep all day... taking the dogs around the block was a chore in itself. Waaa!

It would be nice to escape the city tomorrow actually... will call my bro and ask if he'd mind a quick visit, the dogs need a good romp in the woods and no doubt they'll go in the lake if they get close enough. Today I need to pull my head outta my ass and just DO stuff. Shopping. Groceries. Tanning. Laundry. Vaccuming. Clean the bathroom. Lordy just give me a hamac in the shade and a tall cold glass of iced tea instead... blissful fantasy.

Off I go. Hope y'all have a nice day :-)

Earthly angels

"I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Fine.

The dogs are fine, the vet visit went fine, I'm fine and it's Friday night, which is very fine. Just need to scrub some cruddy hall walls - should take about an hour - and that I'm actually going to watch a movie on my new couch... because I can! *whoop!*

Enjoying the show?

"How about a shout out to my reader in Sydney, Australia! Are you ready to rock? Can you hear me from the cheap seats in the back?" (thanks to Prin for that gem!)

Just when you think the garden has been sanitized from vermin, you find out thanks to IP address trackers that noooo, somebody's been lying their fat blonde ass off and is *still* nosing around. Tsk. I guess some people's lives are not very interesting so they have to live vicariously through others, eh? Maybe I should sell popcorn and Bubblegum souvenir t-shirts *grin*

What a day. Have to bring the big beanie to the vet this evening for a follow-up thyroid test, the first one he had in June was "inconclusive" - very low values but his bloodwork was completely normal so it might have been a false negative... this test is to make sure. Gotta be a good mommy. Kay back to the grinder... 1 more hour 'till I race out the door! Wooo!

Of mind and matter...

"Love's mysteries in souls do grow,

But yet the body is his book."

~John Donne, Extasy

Eleven.

Nigel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel: Exactly.
Marty: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know.
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel: [pause] These go to eleven.

Video: This Is Spinal Tap

Ugh

Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Definintely not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. No way am I a morning person. Not a morning person. Really really not a morning person. Not a morning person. Never a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person so leave me in bed. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Fucking not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not a morning person. Not.

My new t-shirt!

"Children are for people who can't have dogs."

~Author Unknown

Shower woes

How to put this mildly... er... my downstairs neighbors are jerks and I hate them? The past two weeks I've tried, unsuccessfully, to have a quiet shower. Thanks to this old building with its outdated plumbing, every time the toilet downstairs is flushed it sucks all the cold water from my pipes, resulting in boiling water being suddenly poured on my head if I'm in said shower. It's always been a problem but one I could deal with... up till now. No matter WHAT fucking time of day I take a shower, the goddamn kids downstairs flush and flush and flush and I'm standing flat against the wall tiles trying not to get bleddy scalded, with shampoo running down my eyes and minutes going by that I can't rinse or do anything - if i get out of the tub to turn the hot water faucet off I have *no* water - fucking hell! What are they doing down there? Letting hobos take a piss for a quarter? Goddamn dope dealing squeegees.

Well apart from that I thought I'd have a quiet evening but nope... it was so busy I only had dinner at 9:30pm. Meh. I had alot of fun though - europe was hopping tonight :-D

Anyways. Sorry about the bitching but I had to vent. Someday... I'll have guts like Prin and have my own little house to call a home. I'm not ready yet, still too attached to the city and my job (I'd rather poke my eyes out with a fork than commute to work), plus I'm not ready to grow roots anywhere just yet... life may hold too many adventures in its palm marked "technodoll" so for now, keeping things as simple as possible is the way to go. On that note and the dregs of my glass of red, I bid you all good night. And good morning, for some.

Shh! Secret!

"I have an idea that the phrase "weaker sex" was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm." ~Ogden Nash

Interesting tarot today

Strength
Strength denotes an inner power, mastery of will and development of inner might. Through mastering one’s emotions and learning from both success and failure, the person Strength represents has reached a place where they are influential without applying physical force. They are able to weather the roughest of storms and not likely to abandon the less fortunate. Strength also denotes a large capacity for forgiveness and compassion. Strength is not as much about winning as it is about overcoming hardship and using well crafted persuasion to ease others to your side.

and Horror-scope:

You have little patience for people who do not live up to their principles. Your motivation to work for the benefit of all concerned could result in major financial gain. Keep your ideals at the forefront when making any major decisions. After a hard day, take a well-deserved rest with some friends.

...Are the wolves listening?

This needs a caption!

"Yep, Bud's the better beer"
"Thanks for the rock, humans!"
"Ain't nothin' like a little squirrel backwash to spice this crappy beer up"

Rodeo sex

(one for the guys)

Well you mount your woman from the back, reach around and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sister's".

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

Damn that snooze button

Ever hit the snooze button in a half-sleep, only to wake up 30 minutes later to realize you had actually switched the alarm off instead of snoozing? Cripes that starts the morning adrenaline going! (not a morning person, never was and never will be)

I actually get a night off, I'm so excited! My dogsitter is picking up the kids today cuz he finally feels better - he's been diagnosed with diabetes and the insulin is making him feel human again - so I don't have to race home straight after work to take the dogs out... aaaah. Bliss. I get to go rent movies and just chill out for a bit - man, I used to do that all the time and feel so bored and lonely, imagine! It's all a matter of perception. "It's not what you look at, it's what you see".

Damn it's nice out. Hot sunny beach weather. I think I'm due for a vacation soon... the short one early July by the sea wasn't that relaxing what with all the emotional drama... wore me out more than anything else. So yeah. Am thinking of taking some time off after this crazy quarter end is over - I have loads of vacation days to use up or lose so it's really a no-brainer.

Did you know that a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes? Every time you eat bacon, it's happy meat in your mouth. Think about it ;-)

Look closely...

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." ~Henry David Thoreau

I think I'm done now...

I'm so lucky! Found the lamp I was looking for on my way home so fiiiinally the shopping's done, I can sit back and enjoy now. Well after "the list" of my nightmares is done.

Dinner was a no-lettuce salad (yes that's what I do: chopped tomato, cucumber, shredded carrots, toasted sesame seed and hot chile olive oil) and to balance it out, dessert was cookies - mmm mm the devil made me do it and there are zero regrets *grin*

Funny how society pushes women to be skinny minnows yet when you ask men what they really want, they say "curves" - nobody wants to bang a bag of bones. Hard to find where to fit sometimes... I say just be healthy and happy with whatever body and weight you have, if you don't like something then change it but don't go all Kate Moss and bypass those chances for happiness... such as the urge for hot chocolate as I'm having right now... ooo!

(back with a cup of very hot hot chocolate, meow)

I'm trying to minimize the daily communcation with my Ex but man, it's sooo hard to break patterns and routine and I *like* his company - he's my best friend. Eventually our lives will slowly branch apart and convos will become less frequent, that's normal - just learning to adjust right now. I don't know what's healthy or normal since our breakup was quite unusual (broke up July 4th but he only moved out 10 days ago). I just know that he'll freak out when I date someone new, no matter what he says. Sigh. Slay that dragon when it rears up... I can't deal with that just now. But soon, I will soon.

One, two, tree... eleven trees

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." ~Author unknown, commonly misattributed to Charles Darwin

Retraction

Apparently, the comment was made in jest and I over-reacted. I'm supposed to read minds now on top of keeping everyone happy, having my 6 hours of sleep interrupted by a raging migraine and dealing with all this shit at work - hey, no problem. I'm Wonder Woman!

Speaking of t-shirts

If I could wear this one on days like this, I would. Seriously, what is the matter with some people? You try to have a conversation and are passionate about what you write, as in a semi-heated exchange of ideas and points of view, and they stop to correct your punctuation because they don't like what you're saying? How lame. Last time I checked, I wasn't in grade school anymore. Tsk.

Note to readers: never push that button with TD cuz it'll all go to hell in a handbasket.

Shorts and t-shirts

Flipflops and sunscreen -what autumn? :-D I have a feeling we might pay for this later but meh, that's later so who gives a flying banana right now.

Migraine woke me up at 5am like a bawling baby, had to crawl to the pill station in the dark (no lights, noooo ouch my eeeyes!) and try to get a few hours of immobility in - not doing so well, took another dose of painkillers an hour ago so I'm high as a kite, at least I made it to the office in one piece - sort of - holy shit is it really only 11:30am? God have mercy.

I love my couch but it's kinda blah against the walls, it's missing a few funky colorful cushions and now I need a nice curvy lamp for the empty corner to balance things out. And my TV now seems too small - It never seems to end!

Have to work now, even if it's taking every ounce of energy just to sit upright and keep my eyes open - yay I have carte blanche to act blonde today! Woot!

Prowling

"Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

Peeping stars

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Who wants to play?

I'm still waiting for dares to be thrown my way, but apparently only a bunch of sissies read my blog! Or too polite peeps. Or shy ones. Hell, what do I know... I dare you to reveal thyselves!

It's big... but I like it!

Of course I'm talking about the couch... get yer minds out of the gutter! The color isn't quite as I remembered it, or maybe it's just the lighting in my place what with the yellow walls and all. I quite like it though, tonight I get to actually sit on it for longer than 15 seconds... still haven't taken the tags off yet, LOL! Just worried the dogs will trash it but am crossing my fingers they won't do anything stupid... already had a come-to-jesus meeting with them on our morning walk, they were behaving like asses and I lost the plot - just too damn early for drama! We all mellowed out later.

So I'm almost ready to entertain - all that's missing is another freaking dozen hours in a day. Sigh. It's like my life has become one long "to do" list and there's not much time for me anymore, I miss spending time with my friends and just doing nothing for an hour or two. How the hell do single parents do it? Or any working parental unit, for that matter? Mon dieu.

Back to the grinder... just hard when it's so lovely and summery outside. Big sigh.

Summer lingers in Montreal

What a gorgeous week... unending sunshine and June temps, I am loving this! So far we've been spoiled with an amazing September, can't complain. Woke up groggy but feel fine now after a good night's sleep, the couch arrives today and finally this place is being pulled together, what a relief! *joy*

Not much to blog about right now, am too excited and rushed to get to the office - this day needs a huge bite in the ass - I'll be back with news later!

Meow, baby!

"The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them." ~Robert Graves

Couch, come to mama!

I can't believe the new livingroom space is finally ready for the couch tomorrow... and I must admit it's exactly as I pictured it (minus the dinosaur couch that will shrink everything LOL). I bought wine to celebrate but am too tired to have a drink... would rather just have a hot shower and go to bed at this point.

Am slowly getting used to the new routine - they say it takes 30 days to create and maintain a new habit, and already the 2nd week is a bit better. But then again it's not dark when I get up and there is no snow... gawd that won't be funny. Why was I born in Canada, again?

Prin's getting a new life soon (avec house! woot!), Nat's got a new man who's not new but recycled and she's thrilled, Cocotte is juggling men and stories, two colleagues at work are newly single and enjoying their newfound freedom, Smiler's finally settling into her couple life and seems happy about it, my sister has a new bf and he's apparently verrah niiice, and oh! So many to write about where before there were just crickets and the occasional gunshot - what is this Vibe going around demanding change and the pursuit of excellence?

Whatever it is, I hope it continues to infect me - I'm really liking this. It's challenging and inspiring and it's *hard* but you know what? At least something is happening, as opposed to routine complacency that can sometimes make you forget to look up at the road ahead.

Viva life!

Coffee break

I'm sure there are others who reheat their lattes in the microwave, yes? If it ain't scalding, it ain't worth drinkin'! OK I'm only here to post this cute joke, for those who haven't seen it yet:

The teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,' she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'Fuck,' the rottweiler ate him!

Finding yourself.

"Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone." ~Paul Johannes Tillich, The Eternal Now

Making progress

I feel more like myself after a few good hours of sleep, still groggy but that's to be expected... need to take it easy this week and only do an hour or two of "house scrubbing" per night, little by little things are all coming together and I'm pleased.

I wonder what's next though... I mean there is work which keeps me plenty busy, and then there is dog care, and after my place is all fixed up and clean... what then? I'm planning a few weekend visits to my dad's and hope my mom will pop into town at some point, I'll have some scrabble evenings with my girls here and there... and then? Not bringing up the whole concept of "why am I on this earth" cuz it's too early in the day for such introspections but I'm just putting it out there, eventually will have to get some answers.

In the meantime there are parties to attend and fun to be had, friendships to develop and love to discover... who could say no to such a buffet of happiness?

Courage, pt 2

"A hero is no braver than an ordinary man,

but he is braver five minutes longer."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Wiped out, inside out

Today was huge. After taking the kids out and inhaling a bowl of cereal, Ex came over to help move some furniture around, then my bro came by to pick up the couch (not an easy feat to lug that huge thing down 3 flights of pretzel stairs), then the rest of the furniture got set up and thank god I had such wonderful help... hadn't thought that the cable would have to be physically rerouted and retacked to accomodate the new TV space, faaack!

So sweet Ex ran to the hardware store and got the missing equipment and set all that up, then took the kids out while I mopped the disgusting black floors and put in the carpet and the plants and whatnot. Years of dirt and crap had to be scrubbed from the baseboards, walls, corners, furniture, everyfuckingwhere - my hands look and feel like old leather chicken feet. At least the place is ready for the new couch which arrives Tuesday... just need to put up the paintings, fix some lighting, little stuff that eats hours out of a day without a blink.

After all that was said and done, dizzy from exhaustion, nerves and PMS... I had a relapse while making dinner. Bawled like a baby, couldn't breathe after 15 minutes so I called the Ex, who thank god has a head on his shoulder and calmed me down. I knew there would be moments like this, they're still shit to go through. Now I'm thoroughly rinsed out and can't be bothered to do anything but crawl into a hot bath, have a glass of wine and try to empty my brain. Tomorrow the sun shines (so says the weatherman) and I'll be back to normal, I will, I will! G'nite peeps... I'll catch up on the world soon.

A perfect kiss

A man had given all other bliss,

And all his worldly worth for this,

To waste his whole heart in one kiss

Upon her perfect lips.

~Alfred, Lord Tennyson

New poll is up

The poll "Do you consider food to be sexy?" has closed... you voted:

Sometimes... chocolate strawberries in bed, yum! 52%
Yes! Food is part of sex! 24%
No! Food is body fuel, sex is sex. 24%

I guess those brown stains on the bedsheets are just chocolate after all ;-)

Maid, where are you?

My back hurts like a bitch, I could have used a good pair of arms today to help with all the cleaning and scrubbing crap... bah, it's not a bad thing to go through once in a while. Just don't think for a minute that I wore fishnets while on hands and knees. Tsk.

Well!

The sun has come out, I haven't touched my iPod yet cuz of "the headache" but... the kids are sleeping and the Worst Job In The World (aka scraping glue off hardwood floors) is half-done so things are looking up! I just had caffeine and am ready to start scraping again... UGH. I won't feel my freaking arms tomorrow. Giddy-yap!

Rainy Saturdays are perfect

Well perfect when you have lots of house cleaning to do, that is... and perfect for sleeping in late... taking the kids out for a run in the field wasn't even so bad thanks to Mister Umbrella! We're all pretty mellow now and in fact I'm fighting the urge to crawl back into bed for a nap... maybe a hot latte would help shake the cobwebs. *yawn*

Anybody else notice that Hotmail changed their format? Or am I just having strange problems? I can't get the damn thing to look like it used to, wtf?

While chatting with my Ex last night, he asked how my first week alone had been and I blurted out the truth, "it has been amazing". For some reason he took it the wrong way, like he had meant nothing to me and had been a yoke around my neck all those years... Made me feel shitty cuz I'm either not expressing myself correctly or I'm moving on faster than he is; either way it's probably not a healthy conversation to have at this point. I don't know how long this high will last, I'm expecting a crash at some point (wouldn't that be normal?) but you know what? Right now I feel terriffic and happy and motivated and positive - what's the alternative?

I could choose to be depressed today, lord knows with PMS and crappy rain it would be so easy - but no, I choose to keep myself busy and focus on the big picture (much of which is blurred but what the heck). Right. Time to attack the "to do" list now, plugging in the iPod and *rocking*!!

The Howling

From beasts we scorn as soulless,

In forest, field and den,

The cry goes up to witness

The soullessness of men.

~M. Frida Hartley

Easy does it

This day's not so bad after all... wrapping up a few things at work (making progress) and had a healthy lunch (making more progress), now comes the hard part of counting the hours and minutes left until weekend... at least I'm not alone in this venture, he he. Not sure I feel like having a drink after work but I'll make the effort to be social, who knows the place might have a hot guy or two lurking around. This lady appreciates eye-candy!

9 to 5

This is what it feels like today, lord help me!

I'll need my dose of prinetics to get through this interminable day... fack! I should have taken it easier this week but really wanted to throw myself into the new routine asap to conquer the hiccups. I think I did pretty well, considering. And since I don't have to rush home after work to take the kids out, I can enjoy a drink with my colleagues on a terrasse in the warm autumn sun and have some fuuuun! *happy dance*

The Worry Tree

The Carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door, he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.

"Oh, that's my trouble tree", he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."

"Funny thing is", he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

Author unknown

So ya walk and ya walk and...

...ya walk some more and eventually the day winds down to an end and you sit and think about all the walking and go "wow, I'm gonna get nice legs from all of this!" but there's chocolate on the table and that kinda makes it all whacked out. Sigh. I've got scrambled eggs for brains right now and can't be bothered to be entertaining or productive or sexaaay or anything human, for that matter. Gimme a cave and a fur rug and g'nite, I'm a goner. On that note... g'nite!

Show me your tonsils

Rooooaaar! or yaaawwwnn.... OK it's a yawn. That's me in my other life, yellow teeth and all *grins* I heard a report the other day that said people who have "empathy yawns" are more emotionally-attuned people that those who don't. Hmm. How to tell if your date likes numbers more than he likes people? Yawn. If he yawns with you, he's a keeper. If not, dispose of him immediately like a nasty ciggie butt - everyone knows accountants don't laugh at fart jokes.

Giggle!

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture." Robin Williams.

How early is too early?

When you don't even hear the blasting alarm clock for 15 minutes, then that is a sign! How the hell do people "rise and shine" at 6am? Are they aliens? FFS!!

Apparently my blog teases too much - what, is it the shoes? What's wrong with the shoes? Is it the chocolate ramblings? Notice I don't talk much about sex or moys (yes, I said moys) or anything borderline obsessive, so sticking in a few bananas here and there seems perfectly fine to me... Hah. Maybe I *should* just go ahead and stop censoring myself and lay it all out - but it seems inappropriate somehow, in a crazy way I'm a really private person... Ghhaa! So com-pli-mi-cated!

Am becoming aware of the pitfalls of an open blog.

Which reminds me of a few other pet peeves I've stumbled upon recently: people who leave their backyard gate open unto the public alleys so their big nasty dogs can roam loose to growl at my dogs and risk losing an eye; stinky downstairs neighbors whose appartment is a skanky drug-dealing train station; freezing mornings and hot afternoons that leave you in a wardrobe crisis; too-short nights and too-long days... besides that, life is awesome! :-D

Good point!

"One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating." ~Luciano Pavarotti and William Wright, Pavarotti, My Own Story

The poll must be boring

Only 13 votes so far - geeez. I'll take it down this weekend so if you haven't already voted... c'mon it's for fun and giggles, make my day here! :)

I'm too tired to be babbling so I'll just be quiet and drink my wine, watch CSI and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz oops did I say that out loud? I've doubled my daily exercise now, could that be making me need more sleep that I'm not getting? Or was it all the carbs I gorged on today...

Breakfast: toast
Lunch: vegetarian pasta
Snack: granola bar
1st dinner: popcorn
2nd dinner: cereal

He he. I broke every rule in the book, eh? I did have a banana today and it was... very tasty. Thank god for the pardon of tomorrows... packed a nice salad for lunch and the dinner's brocoli and other yummy things are ready to go, as is fruit salad. Gotta make amends. Hope I don't dream of a giant bagel oozing butter chasing me down a dark alley.

Meow.

"What a strange power there is in clothing."

~Isaac Bashevis Singer

So far, so good

This morning's routine was actually pretty OK... Damn snooze button almost got me a 2nd time so I'll have to reset the alarm for a bit earlier - might come in handy for those dark cold winter mornings - shudder! But we're not there yet.

Each day is a bit easier, I really like living alone actually. Once my place is done up the way I want it to be, the transition will be complete... was too tired last night to do anything except the ironing, chat on the phone with friends and take care of the kids - and that's OK, really. I tend to want to be superwoman and then I crash from exhaustion, tsk. "Drink more wine and chillax!"

Ever tried "no bake cookies"? Me neither, LOL! Am going to try these tonight:

No Bake Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal Cookies

2 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup cocoa
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 cup milk
dash salt
1 tsp. pure vanilla
1 heaping tablespoon peanut butter
1 1/2 cups UNCOOKED oatmeal

Microwave the butter in a microwave-safe bowl for 15-30 seconds, until the butter is melted. Add 1/4 cup cocoa and blend until the cocoa is dissolved into the butter.

Add the sugar, milk and salt. Blend well.

Microwave on high for 1 minute 10 seconds to bring to a full boil. (Should you need to microwave the batter some more, do so in 10 second increments.) You want a full boil, but because it will continue to cook for awhile once it's removed from the microwave, heating it too long can cause the mixture to scorch.)

Add the vanilla, peanut butter and oatmeal. Stir well. Drop by tablespoon-full on waxed paper and allow to cool.

Makes 12 cookies.

MEOOOWWW!

Ready... steady... GO!

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." ~Bob Moawad

Soggy doggies and oh! pasta!

I got soaked on the walk home, the heavens were pissing and my little umbrella was pretty useless - peeled off my dripping pants, wet socks and squishy sneakers as soon as I got home and hey, the dogs didn't mind the rain... they wanted OUT and I couldn't blame them. So there I was standing in the middle of the field while they're having a ball (thank goodness for rubber boots) and the thunder rolls in. All that was missing was me getting zapped by a bolt of lightening. Sigh. Rain really sucks sometimes, specially when it makes the wet doggies stink like dirty skanky sheep. Ugh.

Well I heeded Prin's advice, sort of... gave in to carbs and oooh was it ever gooood! I had some plain cooked pasta in the fridge so I dumped that in a pan of melted butter, added a couple handfuls of grape tomatoes, some sliced cheese and some powdered orange cheese, some milk and loads of tabasco, a bit of spicy sea salt, ground pepper and onion powder. Consider that a fancy speedo Mac n'Cheese from the gods of junk food... orgasmic creamy spicy goodness, rreeerrrr!

I'm so ready for bed... just finishing this glass of red and I'm ready to crash. Kinda happy it's still raining buckets, that's a good excuse for not taking the kids out for their pre-bed bio break. I told them mommy would give them extra time tomorrow morning and they said it was OK. My angels ;-) Kay I'm outta here... night night.

A day of temptations

Maybe it's the cutback on carbs that is coming to bite me in the ass? I don't want that apple, missy, I want that ooey gooey moist chocolate cake with the thick icing! Stomps foot. Sigh. Ain't gonna happen... instead I had tea and fantasies of stuffing my face and licking my fingers off, eating cake with both hands and oh, a tall cold glass of milk too, please! Gimme!

*doh* It's just PMS, stupid. Yep, one week of weakness and then the urge passes. God give me strenght to resist... and why aren't carrots as satisfying, anyways? Tsk.

Want! Need! Crave!

Coffee...
Beans roasted,
Toasted,
Ground and drowned
Perfect elixir

Cream...
Milk churned,
Turned,
Cropped and dropped
Into said elixir

Stir in some sugar, sip...

aaaah. Bliss.

Yawns, stretches, etc

Well at least I had a solid night's sleep, that's progress! The increased exercise and wine did their magic... a bit too well. I can't wake up despite the 50 minutes' brisk walk and hot latte, I'm completely fried and sore all over but you know what? It feels great!

Forecast today is English weather but that's OK, easier to work and the kids snore through the day, prolly bored to death. I wish I could entertain them more but there's only one of me, and they'll have to look forwards to weekends just like the rest of us now. My dogsitter's in the hospital and I have no clue what will happen so I cannot count on him for help... but that's fine, we're all adapting.

**short detour**

We all have favorite ways to say someone's stupid... here are a few of mine - please submit yours and make my day, LOL!


About as bright as a burnt-out 20 watt light bulb.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools.
As much use as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
As useful as a wooden frying pan.
Dumb as a corn cob.
Dumber than a box of hair.
He played too much without a helmet.
His porch light ain't on.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
On/off switch is stuck in the off position.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Sharp as a bowling ball.

For making happy!

What the ??

Um, can someone tell me where the hell this day went? I do remember getting up at 6:45am this morning to tend to the kids (walk, feeding, cleaning up, etc) and then dashing in to work, I think I got a fair bit done... ate too many carbs... ran home to take the kids out again, then visited my friend/dogsitter for a bit, he goes in the hospital tomorrow morning for at least 3 days of testing cuz his health is failing terribly... my mom called so we chatted for a bit, I had dinner and then cleaned all my summer shoes, fed the kids, cleaned the kitchen and then spent an hour scrubbing the facking sisal carpet to see if it could be salvaged... nevermind the details, suffice to day I am now feeling muscles I never knew I had, LOL! What a mess. So I damn well deserve this glass of shiraz I'm sipping right now (thanks to my dear ex for leaving me a bottle on the table today, LOL!)

If you're exhausting reading all that crap, imagine how I feel after writing it eh? Oh and the little one still reeks of dead rotted whatever that she rolled in this morning, twice now I've soaked her neck and scrubbed her but no change, peeyoo jezus. The big one went on a bone binge last night and now has something stuck in his butt, he can't raise his tail and is in obvious discomfort, poor thing... gave him bread soaked in oil for dinner and just a bit of raw ground beef with pureed raw fruits, that should help. It's my fault, I never thought he'd inhale the damn things, normally they just go to the wasps after he snacks on them. Sigh.

Sorry for the whiney post, too knackered to be funny or interesting. After I'm good and tossed, I'll go walk the kids for a bit, take a shower and hit the bed - hopefully THIS time I'll get some sleep. Enough with the disjointed dreams already, gimme some good writing material! :-D

On being.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~e.e. cummings, 1955

The Velveteen Rabbit

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

The Velveteen Rabbit or How Toys Become Real, by Margery Williams

Infatuated with "soulmate"

I put the link in my "chillax sugar videos"... Natasha Bedingfield's new single is STILL not available on iTunes and I'm gettin' mad - I need that song in my ears dammit! That woman has a voice to make angels sigh. Patience... must have patience.

So the 90% rain prediction for today was pretty much a big fat joke - nary a drop in sight. Kinda scary that with all the technology geared at observing weather patterns, somewhere some jackass is sleeping at the switch and keying in just about anything in the system. Pfft. Our tax dollars hard at work?

Today was my first official day as "single T-doll" and you know what? I had expected it to be harder... kept myself too busy to notice much though, so perhaps that was the ticket. I'm sober right now (forgot to buy a bottle of red today... oh well) and it's all ok. I tidied up my clothes closet and can now navigate through what used to be a mess, took me about 3 hours and I still have to iron a bunch of stuff and clean some shoes - tomorrow is another day. The kids had lots of exercise and good food, even got a pedicure and a good coat brushing, extra cookies too. Nooo they're not spoiled ;-)

I have to get used to going to bed earlier now, since morning dog duties all rest on my shoulders as of tomorrow morning... the good side? I'm getting more exercise and have less time to sit around moping or expanding my ass - can't complain now, can I?

Good night, Technodoll.

Well that was weird

What a strange sleep... too exhausted to sleep, I think. Tossed and turned for a few hours, getting snippets of sleep in here and there. S'ok though, I feel rested enough to tackle my first "single day" - so far so good... had my latte, caught up on my virtual life and will now take the kids out for a good run in the forest before the rain starts. Yes of course it has to be cool and rainy on my first day alone, it adds to the Test of Strength!

Fight Club DVD was kaputt so I'll have to rent it again to fix that... instead watched "Bon Cop, Bad Cop" last night and oh my! It was excellent through and through. The joys of insider Quebecois jokes, eh? *grins* Catch ya later!

Man's best friend

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

"To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace." ~Milan Kundera

If only it were true

Today's predictions:

A lover or child becomes a focal point in your life. Today, you are faced with endless possibilities for new beginnings. This may be the chance you have been waiting for to uproot yourself and start over. You are the center of attention and that is exactly where you want to be.

And tarot card:

The Fool
This card represents the dreamer in you, the idealist, the mystic. The Fool desires to do great things, but is often unaware of just how difficult great things are to do. He must always be very careful of the choices he makes, and remember that knowledge is his ally. The Fool often symbolizes a new beginning, unrestrained optimism and curiosity that hasn’t been dulled by time. While The Fool may well indicate a lack of experience or grasp of the pitfalls along the path he is taking, it is equally true that his lack of experience leads him to believe all things are possible, which brings nearly impossible goals within his grasp.

*whatever*

Can't breathe

I've kept it together for long enough, is it ok to break down now? It's done and finally, I can cry... hard to breathe through the heaving sobs, fuck it hurts. All these years I've dreaded this moment that I knew would eventually come, I prepared for the emptiness, the naked closets and the void left behind - and now here it is and there is nothing left to go but go through it. What would I do without my kids... the little one padded over to me and kissed my face, licked my tears and pressed her head against my chest... my sweetie. But just to know A doesn't have anyone now, not even his kids for comfort - makes me feel ten times worse. There is just no way around it, is there? It's just going to suck for a while, that's all. And it was all worth it.

The ties that bond

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

"Independence"... [is] middle-class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth. ~G.B. Shaw, Pygmalion, 1912

Virginity poll results:

Question was: If you had to describe the time you lost your virginity, would you say:

You voted:

So-so. Could have been better, could have been worse. 59%
Terrible, glad I got that over with! 24%
Awesome, just how you thought it would be! 18%

I guess reality prevails over sappy Hollywood movies and Harlequin trash novels! New poll up in a minute... be sure to cast your votes!

Tribute

OK first, this is my Tarot card for the day:

Death
First and foremost, Death does not specifically pertain to our physical death. The Death card marks ends and beginnings. Although most illustrations of the Death card tend to be morbid, the forces behind the Death card are actually quite exciting. Yes, Death does mark the end of something, but ends are often brought about by completion and not loss. Most endings are actually good, and make room for us to begin new adventures.

And then my daily horror-scope says:

You are coming into a creative and competitive phase now, one in which you want to be admired and appreciated for what you do and who you are. You have friends and allies in places you never thought of. They could open new doors for you and help you to get where you want to be. The crucial factor governing you today may be a deeply felt emotion.

Holy flying grasshoppers, batman... how did they know that ex-bf is moving out today, and that this is the end of an almost 5-year relationship? Endings, new beginnings, all melded together to form this new phase of my life... exciting yes! but also a bit sad... not losing my best friend because we'll always be in touch, but losing the intimacy and routine tenderness that we built up over the years... that hurts.

I'll miss being told a dozen times a day how beautiful I am, sitting there without any makeup on and in rumpled sweatpants and crazy hair... I'll miss his steady, reassuring presence and the familiarity of shared giggles, tickles and warm hugs... of knowing that I was never alone, I just had to call his name and he was there for me. I didn't have to struggle, he was the strong one, always spoiling me and giving me everything he was, everything he had. Never for a single minute did I feel unloved or unappreciated, he made tremendous efforts to be in a place that he didn't want to be in, just to be with me... we built a family together, stuck together through thick and thin and now?... A big part of that is over and I'm in tears.

We say we both walk away from this relationship better and stronger people. We found each other in times of deep trouble, two lost souls looking for an island - and there we landed, bruised, battered, with loads of baggage and no instruction manual. Sometimes I look back and think "damn, we were nuts!" - but yet I smile. We healed each other through the years and for that, I am forever grateful to him. He taught me that I was worth it, that love can be unconditional and to never again settle for less than being treated like gold.

He's not even gone and I miss him already... This is the next phase, the lesson and the moving on. I think it would have been easier to break something that had huge cracks in it, that was already halfway broken - but this is a logical move more than anything else.

I admit I'm afraid of the next few long months, as we get closer to the long, cold dark winter and I'm left struggling alone, while he walks on golden beaches with not a care in the world. I have to keep reminding myself of why we broke up, and hang onto that so that I don't drown. Is life an absolute? We can't go back in time but can we go back on decisions if, down the road, things change? I wonder. Guess we'll just have to live and see.

Fall... but get UP!

"This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 24, spoken by the character Mr. Antolini

Easy does it

The warrior girl is putting her hammer to the side and is instead bopping to glorious badass house trance, there are many ways of exorcising the demons and dancing is one of the best IMO. And so is cleaning the house to the sounds of glorious techno music (hey! that's me!) - this weekend starts the floor-to-ceiling scrubbing of this place, one corner at a time until I feel like this is my very own place again.

I've forgotten what it's like to live alone... tell me, is it like riding a bike? After a day or two it'll feel like it's always been? I'm looking forward to the experience but have my yellow rubber gloves, rags and cleaning solutions ready to go - if the shakes hit then I'm getting busy and purging the demons through exercise, hertel and soap!

I get my new couch on the 18th and then the girl dinners can start, it'll also be nice to have giggly company over on a regular basis for TV-show-must-haves, tea and scrabble - I know I've isolated myself more than I should have over the past few years but now I'm ready to bloom, go out and have some fun, meet new people and reconnect with old friends, go spend quick weekends at my dad's and hang out with my mom and my sister. The glass is always half-full, just have to keep repeating that on the rainy days.

A scorcher!

From out of nowhere comes this giant humid heatwave - whack! and we're flat on our sweaty asses again. He he. Sweat makes you shrink so I don't mind, really.

I feel more balanced today, slept well and had some insightful conversations today that set things back on track, that's always positive - funny how shadows can quickly grow into these huge monsters that just vanish once you switch on the lights... only the trick is to find out where the switch is, and to reach out and actually flick it.

Faceass (aka Facebook) is turning into a big wiggling nest of something, not sure if it's good or bad yet - people popping up from the past like jack-in-the-box, boo here i am... still coping with that. Bah!

Oxymoron in progress

I am trying to fill my head with:

...trying to picture that if "nothing" takes all the space, then "everything else" is pushed out and that should make room for plenty of new stuff to take its place, right?

Doesn't work that way, apparently.

This exercise is HARD for me. It goes against everything I've believed in all my life, how I've done things and tackled challenges. Silence is a killer and it's not my friend, it launches grenades of doubt and self-doubt at my core and I'm using alot of energy just fighting back. I'll soon have bloody palms from clenching my fists, must not give in, must be strong and go to the end of this with dignity and earn respect in the process. Respect for my own self. I've failed at so many things in my life - I'll be damned if I fail at this, too. Grrr.

Deeeep breath, think of colors - right now it's deep sea blue, the color of the fever surrounding my head and my heart. I wonder, am I alone in all of this?

Hah! My horror-scope for the day...

It reads:

You have a lot on your mind and feel a strong need to communicate and gather ideas. Experience everything that happens to its fullest, and fill your mind with new and exciting ideas. This is a day of learning, and a day of experience. The growth you achieve today will help you in the future.

And my Tarot Card is "The Hermit":

The Hermit denotes a need to have some space between you and everyday hustle and bustle of a busy world. The Hermit needs to retreat. Indeed, happiness for The Hermit requires seclusion, freedom for material wants and time for intense introspection. The answers The Hermit needs cannot be found in our physical world. The truths he seeks are internal and spiritual. The distraction of a well developed social life can only impede his quest for personal truths. Still, The Hermit does sometimes need to share time with others so that he can learn or teach, guide or be guided. The Hermit’s time spent amongst people depletes his energy quickly. To avoid an overlord, he has to retreat from social settings quickly.

C-r-e-e-p-y. Sigh.

We just are.

"I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?" Why did I cause so much pain? Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can't I see how we're all manifestations of love? I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 30

So.

In reference to Peter Gabriel's masterpiece album ("so"), but also reflecting upon recent happenings, introspections and getting a grip on reality vs fantasy. The lines are still hazy but that's on purpose, it makes more sense to dust off the puzzle one piece at a time to get a better understanding of the whole picture... which is changing all the time, so that adds to the challenge and keeps things interesting!

One day at a time. Today's busy with the usual workload, then we have our annual employee BBQ lunch (always fun with the burnt burgers and cold beer) and a couple of afternoon meetings after that, then it's time to hike home and take the kids out for a run, tonight I need to go tanning since I forgot last night - and through all that my mind never stops grinding away, a kaleidoscope of possibilities, dreams and hopes. It keeps me going.

Oh, and I had a most horrible nightmare last night... shudder. I was somehow too close to the giant wheels of an enormous excavation tractor in the street, the driver could not see me and was about to crush me and the dogs and I could not move out of the way, my legs were like molasses, I was screaming but nobody could hear me in the noise... then I was safe on the side of the street but my dogs were trapped in the cement and snow excavation, I was hysterical but a worker said there was nothing they could do, maybe they got lucky with an air bubble and wouldn't die - but I knew they were gone. I hate these death and disaster dreams... UGH. Exhausting. This morning the kids got extra cuddles and kisses... should anything happen to them, I honestly would lose the plot.

So yah. That's the bubblegum for today, a rainbow of colors for you!

You. Who are you?

"...you're not how much money you've got in the bank. You're not your job. You're not your family, and you're not who you tell yourself.... You're not your name.... You're not your problems.... You're not your age.... You are not your hopes." ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 18

Too quiet for my taste.

OK work seems to be under control, email is slow and phone has finished ringing for the day... I'm bugging Prin (poke! poke! mouahahahaaa!) and chatting with my friend N but still, it's too quiet. Wonder if a storm is brewing. Hmmm.

Am feeling much stronger today, focussing on getting my affairs in order and making headway that I can be proud of. I know alot of grieving is still to come but by god, I've been grieving for two months now - enough! Life is bountiful in its gifts and I am not blind to any of them. Patience will bring out the best in people and true love? If it's meant to be, it will happen - just be open to the many forms it can take and grow into. Yeah. It's all good.

More pics from paradise

All photos copyright Technodoll, 2007