Sunday, November 25, 2018

Sunday, October 21, 2018

New life chapter

"When your heart knows,
It just knows."
Welcome home, sweet little Gabriel! 

It took almost three years but my heart was suddenly ready to love again, more like it felt called and compelled to find this little guy and bring him home. He is exactly how he appeared in my dreams, I could not has asked for a better wee companion!

Should have named him "Diesel" because that's exactly what he sounds like most of the time, little velcro purring machine LOL! But he was born Gabriel and that's just that.

A few of my friends were a bit shocked - "but I thought you didn't like cats?!"

Hah, well I don't show all my weak spots you know.

Also... people change.

I cannot explain it more than that.

Have a great week everyone!

Monday, October 8, 2018

Staying true to who you are

A favorite quote of mine:

Your journey isn't for anyone but for yourself. 

If some people feel entitled to criticize or to judge you - well, that's on them and not on you, because such people don't matter. 

It's not your job to try and explain Life to them - most of them are so busy staring at their own navels they wouldn't understand anyways. 

Self-confidence and maturity take decades to achieve and then again only if you work hard at understanding the building blocks that make up your life. Sweeping painful lessons under the carpet does not make one strong, it makes one a fool and a weakling who is prone to repeating the same mistakes until the lesson has been acknowledged. 

Introspection is hard, folks. 

It takes courage, it takes time, it takes patience and perseverance.

Life isn't a race and it isn't a competition.

You will learn that as the years go by.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to others.

Karma is beautiful.


Thursday, October 4, 2018

"A final letter to the man who broke me"

I stumbled upon this very interesting article the other day and thought it worthwhile to share, as I know I'm not the only one who has lived though (and survived) an abusive relationship.

Although I would rename it "A final letter to the boy who only made me stronger"! πŸ™†


How have you been? I hope you are doing well, and yes I actually mean it.

This is no snide, sarcastic remark which you might feel owing to the messed-up manner in which we parted ways. No, I don’t begrudge you anything, not at all. If anything, I’m actually extremely happy for the course that our lives took. And yes, I never wish that we had never crossed paths or that you had never entered my life. Because surprisingly enough, you did more good than harm. You impacted my life a little more than people I grew up with. And even though it was hard to understand at the moment, most of it turned out to be for good. I am grateful for all the valuable lessons I learned as the result of being with you. And they were better than any self-help group or book. And so, quite sincerely I thank you and wish the best for you.

Remember when you used to play with my emotions. Making me feel on top of the world one day, and bringing me crashing down the very next?

I am really glad you did that to me. That cruel joke you played on me. Breaking up and then coming back the next day all smiling just because you wanted to know my reaction to not being with you. Well, that was not funny for me. Making fun of someone’s dependence on you is not hilarious. And now I realized how wrong was it for me to invest so much of myself on a person who wasn’t emotionally mature enough to know what it meant. I vividly remember crying my eyes out in front of a friend and now I can only imagine how sadistic people can be to pull off such moves to show how much power they wield in a relationship. You taught me never to do that to another human, because I was on the receiving end of such behavior. And you also taught me to not fall for a person whose own ego is more important than the tears of their partner. Actually, that shouldn’t have taken me by as much surprise as it did. Because you had been playing with me since the very first day.

I remember how anguished I used to be because you only sent me mixed signals.

For the longest time, I didn’t even know if you liked me back or not. Yes like, because even though I might have loved you, I know that you never loved me back. You just loved yourself. So you played with my feelings till you were unsure. You see, I wasn’t good enough to be with you the moment I asked, but I wasn’t even bad enough to let go without thinking about it, right? And you did your thinking and you tortured me while you did it, but that is okay. I learned that no matter how much I like someone, I will not hang on to every ambiguous word they say. Now that I have realized the importance of clarity, I will never let another narcissist play with my emotions like that, in the hope that they will one day find me worthy.

Thank you, for showing me all those other girls who were hotter and cuter and better than me, even when you knew that I loved you.

Thank you for showing their pictures and taunting me about how popular and in demand you were. You brought up insecurities in me which I never thought existed. And it’s good that you did. Once I realized they existed, I could finally face them and get over them. Do you know that I love my body now, and that I don’t try to match up to any other woman’s standards? Oh, and one more quick tip, stop pitting girls against each other. I realized that all those girls were not my competition. We were all in this together, having to go through life with boys like you who think we should be fighting each other for your attention. No thanks, we are better off having a coffee together.

Thank you for keeping me on my toes. That time I spent with you, always worrying about what I should or shouldn’t do and how you’d react.

I didn’t realize how much pressure I was under till it was all lifted. Suddenly, it was as if I could breathe again. That was when I realized the importance of stability. How nothing and no one is worth feeling like you’re entrapped in your own life. I never valued feeling free and in control of my own life, and maybe that is why I so readily handed the reins of my life in your hands. But you made sure that I learned my lesson and I will never do that again because now I know what price I paid.

Thank you for doubting my dreams and taunting me that I was too ambitious.

You said that I was building castles in the air. That I was hoping for too much. But, unlike you, I didn’t let it define me. Instead, I took it as a challenge. And though it would have meant the world to me if you had supported me, you didn’t and I made my peace with that. I learned to become my own most fierce supporter. Instead of looking for validation outside, I look for it within me and guess what- I’m never disappointed.

Thank you for always taking and never giving. For always asking for my love and understanding and yet never being emotionally available for me.

Every time you were jealous and possessive of me, I thought of it as a good thing, like you were finally ready to commit. But you clearly weren’t. You just wanted to have control over my life, wanted everything that I had to offer, my mind, body, and soul and in return, you couldn’t even give me your commitment. I learned how an absolute fool I was to waste so much of my time and emotions on you when you were clearly not ready to invest anything.

Thank you for every time you left me hanging. It has taught me that the only person I need in life to be happy is me.

Thank you for making me see how cruel and irrational and selfish the world can be. Now I am more prepared to handle people like you, without hating them, because I understand what they are going through too. And most of all, thank you for leaving me. I know when you did I felt broken and shattered but it was, in fact, the only genuinely good thing you did for me all that time we were together. When you left, I thought I couldn’t live without you. Little did I know. Not only am I living without you, I am thriving. I shudder to think how my life would be if we were still together. I am a stronger person but it is not entirely because of you. I always had it within me, but yes, I am grateful to you for showing me everything that I was capable of.



Monday, September 10, 2018

Things I have done I’m not proud of…

In no particular order: 
  • Gotten drunk on what I thought was vodka (it was 80% water)
  • Blamed the dog for “that terrible smell”
  • Eaten an entire family-sized bag of chips and called it dinner
  • Lost my virginity to a boy I hated kissing
  • Failed a university class because I was too busy partying (oops)
  • Punched a Russian boy in the sternum after he spit on me
  • Set an oven on fire (accidentally, but still)
  • Stole a library book once when I was 12
  • Endured sociopath narcissist abuse for almost two years because the sex was incredible
  • Yelled at my horse for shitting in his water bucket for the 5th time in a week
  • Bought too-small clothes on sale hoping it would fit me some day (it never did) 
  • Never had a Krispy Kreme donut
  • The two points above are not related
Oh well… Perfection is over-rated.
While being real is being flawed, it sure beats being fake -

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Overcoming dysmorphophobia

I can't be the only one struggling with this stupid game the mind plays: "you're fat! your elbows are too big! omg eyebrows, much? why aren't your feet the exact same size?" - yeah I know, first world problems, vanity, self-indulgence... Or is it?

Well actually, Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD - the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix their dysmorphic part on their person) affects up up to 2.4% of the population, but I wonder how many people go undiagnosed if the symptoms aren't acknowledged or are dismissed? And how severe do the symptoms have to be to qualify as BDD? There's science, and then there's real life - most people I know (okay, most *women* I know) live with a level of  negative body image and I'm no exception.

Baring it out here...  For example, up until a couple of years ago, I always envied women with "boy hips".

Yup, the hourglass figure was not in style when I was growing up and being different sucked. I'm a tomboy at heart so heels and ruffles weren't in my closets much and I didn't know how to amalgamate what I wanted to look like with the body genetics fated me.

It's only recently that I've come to embrace my curves and the older I get, the more I don't really give a crap about being skinny.

Clothes don't fit? To the recycling pile they get tossed, it only leaves space to fill with things that actually do flatter my figure and let me breathe.

Our society puts way too much importance on our meat-covered skeletons, I mean come on - the pressure to be "perfect" is everywhere, most of us are brainwashed from the moment we are born and spend a large part of our lives battling with body image issues that aren't even real in the first place, all in the name of something that doesn't even exist.

Yeah, thanks a lot photoshop you bastard.

So, anyways. My point is that our bodies change with age and it's only fitting that our mindset change with it, hopefully in a positive way.

Ain't nobody got time for negativity, remember that: you are all beautiful no matter your shape or your size, as long as your heart is pure. Stay healthy in mind and spirit and your body will follow. And if people cannot or won't appreciate and love you as you are, it's time to toss them onto the recycling pile, too.

I'll leave you with a few interesting quotes:

What is this drive to be thinner, prettier, better dressed, other? Who exactly is this other and what does she look like beyond the jacket she’s wearing or the food she’s not eating? What might we be doing, thinking, feeling about if we didn’t think about body image, ever? ~ Caroline Knapp

The scale can only tell you what you weigh; not who you are. ~ Steve Maraboli 

The key to feeling better isn’t looking better. It is feeling better about our lives and better understanding what our bodies really are – vehicles in which we can experience life. Our bodies are not life itself; they are objects of motion, not admiration. ~ Rosie Molinary

Disclaimer: these are the only photos of me in a bikini you will ever see posted here. I force myself to look at them from time to time to remind myself that I'm fine the way I am, to stop saying nasty shit to myself - I am good enough. And I hope you know you are, also. πŸ’œ

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Wish you were here

Pink Floyd said it best:

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, 
blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war 
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, 
year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


For me, right now, the "you" is... me.
Not anybody else.
The process of finding one's self again is a long one,
Banked by sharp thorn bushes
and deep muddy ditches.

There are good days and there are bad days.

Days go by where my brain is on neutral, numb, automatic gear:
Get through this day,
Get through this day,
Get through this day.

And then there are days where everything is possible,
anything can be done, lived, imagined!

Many days I miss my mom, I miss my dad, my family.
They are my roots and my anchors
And yet sometimes when I'm around them
I feel more lost than ever.
Why is this so?

Drinking the coffee now,
Getting through the day's work
In anticipation of a good night's sleep, 
If that's even possible anymore.

I think I need a vacation.

Monday, February 6, 2017

I know, right?!

I love this quote:
Easy to forget,
difficult to put into practice sometimes.

I'm just happy to have found myself again :)

Saturday, February 4, 2017

New horizons

There comes a breaking point in your life sometimes,
A shift-tilt of the lens - 
your reality suddenly becomes very clear 
and you are faced with what you once thought were choices, 
when all along the choices were made for you through a series of events. 

You become your thoughts.
You are your feelings.
How you let others treat you
is determined by your sense of self-worth.

It takes a long long time to fall out of my grace.
I forgive easily and often, I have great patience - 
Call it being stubborn, I don't know.
I love too much, too hard and for too long.
Often for too little in return.

New horizons now, the map has unfolded
because I finally allowed myself to get angry enough
to say no more.
I deserve better than this. 
I am better than this. 

Those who cannot see it don't belong in my life. 
Not anymore. 

 Respecting my heart enough to allow it to heal now.
It feels... Amazing. 
I am free to attract new energy in my life now.
If your past calls, don't answer - 
it has nothing new to say.

With love and kindness,

Sunday, January 22, 2017

There's a meme for that

Some days you're the statue

And other days you're the bird.

I wonder what's going through this guy's mind?

"Come here you little S**t!! Crap on me one more time..!"

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Deep winter where the only green is made of salad

Oh when ya wake up in the morning

And look outside your door

But all you see is snow grey snow

It makes ya yearn for more

All you can do is think good things

And color them galore

Tequila shots and absinthe drops

Until you hit the floor...


Join in the fun belooooow:

Just kidding.

It's a weekend for resting, not partying. I need to get rid of the germ warfare raging through my body, got attacked out of nowhere two days ago: wham! Had been lucky so far, I'm the only one I know who hadn't gotten a nasty cold yet.

I will beat this, you know.

Ginger and honey tea. Home-made chicken broth. Sleep. 
Echinacea vials 3x/day. Rest. Cough drops to soothe the throat. 
Mild exercise, mostly stretching, to boost the immune system.
Vitamin D. Vitamin C. All other vitamins are good too.
All in moderation, right?

Have a great weekend my friends :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2017


Who are we, really?

Do we become the people others think we are, by our daily words and actions?

Or are we all just actors playing roles, 
depending on who we are with at the moment?

Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

Who do you want to be?
Life is confusing enough as it is.

I wish we could all just... Be.

That's it. 


And be accepted, with no judgments.

That would be nice.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Weekends are for...


Glorious sleeping and just lazing around in bed, dozing.

And dreaming of bedroom redecorating: 
Also good for catching up on social media, cooking and cleaning and preparing lunches for the week, tidying up and running errands and more sleeping and working on that puzzle that's been taking up most of the kitchen table the past few weeks.

OK add in a few shots of salted caramel vodka, please.

One must not be too pious.

Weekends are also for admiring art:
And weekends are for watching movies (Christian Bale's "The Machinist" merits another watching, if you like movies that mess with your head). Recommendations accepted, btw. I'm always looking for great movies, they're hard to find.

How is it already Sunday evening already?!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Big-ass changes

They say when a woman cuts her hair, she's about to make a big change in her life. 

Well, what about doing that after a string of big changes happened in her life? 

That's fair, right?

So I went blonde :)

And I really like it.

Now let's see if blondes have more fun.

I really hope 2017 isn't brutal, please. A break from stress, anxiety, drama and heartache would be nice for a change, I think I've had my quota for a while. They say everyone you meet in life is there to teach you a lesson about something: love, work, ethics, yourself, humanity, philosophy, politics, music, how to properly cut vegetables, the universe. 

What you do with these people is up to you, right?

Some are temporary, like leaves on a tree: they only last for a season. Some even less, they're the buds or the dust that passes through during a storm. Some people are branches, but not all of them are sturdy - some you will break, some will break your arms if you try to hang on to them for too long: snap! On the ground you go!

What you need most a roots, people who will always be there for you no matter what.

Those who will ground you and keep you from blowing away during tornadoes.

Try to avoid the tornadoes, those people will mess up your head but good.

Time will light the way, right?


Monday, January 9, 2017


I've been told I should resuscitate this old thing - kinda had forgotten about it, really. Found it by accident on Google the other day while looking for something else: the joke's on me...

Some things just refuse to die.

So much has happened since that last post - my life just suddenly exploded out of nowhere , I feel like a gored pinata that got thrown in the dryer and left to spin on high for way too long. 

But hey! I'm alive and a big fan of change and adventures so let's get this thing going again and see where it takes us.

From farm to city, 
from dog-mom to non-mom, 
from wife to single girl, 
from rubber boots to high heels, 
from stability to utter chaos: 

It has all happened since August 2015 and shit continues to happen on a daily basis, only the shoveling went from literal to figurative. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, blah blah blah, I still can't lift a dumbbell to save my life so screw you cheap quotes. 

I'm a tired fighter, but fight I will continue to do as there's just no other option is there.

A long time ago, this was one of my favorite toys (I'm the short person):

I'm no diesel engine, believe me. 

But I believe that I can.

And so I shall.