A quote to live by

"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up."

~Jesse Jackson

I'm no good at handling stress

Am about to have a meltdown at work... only 2 days left before I fly out to San Diego and I just can't see the bottom of the pile. The more emails I clear out, the more just flood in, it's enough to drive anyone batshit and my blood has turned to fucking ACID and waaaaaaaaaaah!!

Deep.

Breath.

I miss my friends, I miss chatting and getting together and just chilling out, you know? It's 10pm now and I am damn ready for a shower, a glass of wine and some choklit. Also have to finish packing cuz the next two evenings are scheduled for other "last minute" things before I fly out. Sigh. Once I'm there it won't be so bad, you're just soooo busy that you don't have time to bitch and moan. But I'm not there yet.

And.... when I get back, it's gonna hit HARD that bf is really and truly leaving, that my life will take a dramatic turn and there's nothing I can do to stop the endless, ruthless march of time. I need to either roll with it or get crushed. God have mercy.

OK since I promised

Guys, here's your cleavage shot (not mine!) as a "thank you" for voting on the poll. Are we even-steven now? Whew. Never thought I'd have to use bribery but... there ya go! LOL!

Yo, wassup?

Yes, you guessed it... Another workday fraught with landmines, hardly any time time inhale lunch - let alone blog to my finger's content. If only this mad stress would end, though... it's not a welcomed presence in my bloodstream.

I'll save the funny stories and rants & raves for later... the zoo is calling me... GHHAA!

Guys! I need your votes!

Look! 9 women voted on the current poll, vs only 3 men. THREE! C'mon I know you're out there... speak up, guys! I might even put up a gratuitous cleavage shot** or something in there as a thank you. De nada.

**not mine - I'm not that cheap!

Never forget.

"Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms."

~William J. Bennett

A hole in the blog

A giant black hole emanating from my brain is soaking up the blog! Aaaaah! Run, run for your liiives! Well OK, it's not that dramatic but it sounds better than all the blabla crap I've done today: work, rush, work, rush after work to buy a new suitcase and some sizzlin' hot red high-heels, once home do more laundry, make dinner for the kids (yes the dogs eat better than we do), wash the dishes and finally! Here I am... wrung out like an old towel, can't string more than three words together. Kinda like a russian chick. Only much, much, much better. Much. He he.

Oh and courtesy of BF, ya'll gotta check out this supercool hilarious animation about the end of the world. It's short, it's rude, it's smart and you'll get a smile out of it. What's not to like about that?

30-second post

I'm alive! I'm fine! Just too busy at work today to even have time to go pee, let alone blog... will be back online tonight for some blabbing. Peeps! You be good now, mmmkay? :-)

Life... so beautiful.

"Yes, risk taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking." ~Tim McMahon

No kidding

We're doing all right

It's been a quiet but OK weekend, no highs but no lows either - sometimes, it's just what the garden needs. I'm not here for the next two weekends, I'll be living a whirlwind in California so wanted to just chill out at home with BF and the kids.

Watched "Fast Food Nation" last night and was surprised to see how different it was from the book: There were some interesting parallels, numbers and stats, disturbing slaughterhouse footage as expected, but I wasn't counting on seeing so many high-profile actors grace the screen. It was OK, nothing to write home about though.

Time for another family walk with the kids now, still 26C but with a refreshing dry breeze (for a change!), totally perfect summer weather. Woo! So yeah, sorry for the boring-as-dry-crackers post, I'm too mellow for drama right now.

Missing the sea

Photos copyright Technodoll, 2007

"Every time we walk along a beach some ancient urge disturbs us so that we find ourselves shedding shoes and garments or scavenging among seaweed and whitened timbers like the homesick refugees of a long war." ~Loren Eiseley

Hot, sunny, perfect

It is a most spectacular summer day and I feel no guilt for having JUST goten up... had breakfast, tidied up the place and am sipping my latte now, catching up on the news and trying to figure out what to do this afternoon - priorities... there are a few waving their arms Me! Me! Pick me! but meh, I'm not paying much attention. BF took the kids to the park to give me some bubble time (amazing man), I'll make him a big pot of yummy pasta sauce later cuz he needs to be spoiled.

It's been sooo much better since BF put the "russian poison" on the back burner... it's like we can breathe again, the incident brought us closer and more united than ever. Funny, that. Had coffee with my long-lost Cocotte yesterday and told her about everything, and her assessment was that he was really just naive about the whole thing, he didn't realise the damage he was doing and loves me more than anything in the world. And the fact that he has put us first (at least until he leaves...) has proven that. Not that it makes losing him any easier, eh? But at least... to have one relationship this amazing... that is showing me so much about love and trust... it's all worth it.

Be the truth you seek

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy." ~John Mason

I'm so sorry I failed you

Little groundhog... I knew better than to let my dogs off the leash this afternoon in the tall grassy damp field. I thought the dog hunting bells I clipped onto their collars would be enough. I thought you'd hear the dogs loudly running towards your burrough, and that it would give you enough time to get to safety. I only wanted to give them some free running time after being cooped up in the sweltering appartment all week. I never meant for them to take your life away so brutally, for them to leave you bleeding, gasping for breath and moaning in pain as Life slowly left your broken body. I asked you to please, please forgive me as I held your damp head in the palm of my hand, as I stroked your soft cheeks while sobbing like a child, wishing there was something I could do to reverse this horriffic incident. When you took your last breath I felt no relief, only more sadness than you could imagine. I'm so sorry I failed you... You will never be forgotten.

On or Hoff?

He he. This is pretty out there!

The Facebook timesuck

OK I admit, I've been sucked in... learning how to navigate through Facebook lately, adding friends and it's quite fun actually. Just not sure how many personal pics and stories to post... it still feels a bit invasive.

Got up at 11:30am this morning after a weird night of sleep... had a full-on migraine at midnight so got up to take the killer meds, took a while to fall back asleep, woke up a few times, bizarre dreams, etc. Crunched tylenol for breakfast and here I am, all woozy and stinky and unfocused, not sure what to do with myself today. Am supposed to meet Cocotte for a coffee this afternoon, just waiting for her call to confirm. Hope I recognize what the phone sounds like, man am I ever fucked up.

Need to reboot

I'm too hot, too brain dead and too tired to be blogging tonight, need to down cold bottle of honey pilsner (I'm such a chick) and slip into bed, call it a day. BF is so understanding and helpful with all of this, I'm lucky to have a backup... better enjoy it while I still can. G'nite peeps.

Caption this?

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

A loaded question

Chicken fixed me

I got lucky! Rooted around the mini-fridge's freezer at work and tah-dah! Found a chicken lunch I had squirreled away there for crazy days like this. Also had forgotten about the red pepper I had bought earlier this week, that was a good crunchy snack... So I guess that cancelled out the cupcake I had for breakfast. Right? Yes, we're good now. Let the calories and fat and whatever fight it out "down there", not my problem anymore.

On weather: the word "nasty crap" just about covers everything. But hey it's Friday night and in one week I'm in San Diego losing my sanity, so let's just enjoy the next couple of days and relaaax... I don't mind that it'll be mostly raining, on the contrary: easier to spend hours packing in sleep hours! Woohoo! Or trying to. Between chores and errands. And lists. And taking care of the dogs. And cooking. And cleaning. All I need now is a bottle of chilled vodka, a jar of garlic dill pickles and it's a party!

My drug of choice

I wonder if it's smart though. On my way to a meeting this morning I hit the wall. Literally. One moment I was walking down the hall and the other, I was smashed up against the wall, everything all topsy-turvy and upside down. Took a while to get my bearings, I've never been dizzier in my entire life - freaky. And the meeting ended up being an impromptu "happy birthday" for 3 peeps, celebrated with these fancy cupcakes... sugar delivered in the form of gorgeous little colored swirls of DEVIL. So now I'm running on a caffeine and insuline overdose. Great. Have another big meeting in 20 minutes, I think I am going to die before then, am feeling super shitty and nauseous right now... WHY oh WHY do I do this to myself? UGH!

Disco pricks

Some twit across the street is playing some loud cheap clubtrash music on his 5-dollah stereo, with the sweltering jungle weather you'd think he'd be considerate and shut his windows right? But nooo, we have to endure the endless tssk-tak tssk-tak tssk-tak for hours on end. I'm about to go kick the mofo's marshmallow ass real hard.

Fuck it's hot. I'm dripping with gross sweat AND I just towelled off from a cold shower not 30 minutes ago. I think my laptop battery is about to catch on fire. Mother of God.

Skip asked me the other day "so what do you want to be when you grow up?" and I said "a child". No really, kids have it good. They get to eat all manners of junk food and it tastes great (guilt bitters everything up), they have personal chefs, drivers, cooks, maids, free money, etc. They get to play in the dirt, roll around in the grass and laugh at funny people at will. Cartoons are funny, toys are cool and worms aren't gross. Yeah. I definitely wanna die a full kid again.

Fun with blondes!

Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

5. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

Don't ask.

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Nulla at lorem semper lorem ullamcorper rhoncus. Aenean ornare leo ut nisi. In lorem pede, egestas quis, porta vitae, pulvinar eget, orci. Morbi eget erat. Fusce at sapien. Morbi sed urna. Fusce orci. Aenean nunc eros, sagittis sed, interdum eu, scelerisque sit amet, nisi. Vestibulum id neque a orci posuere pharetra. In sollicitudin sem nec nisl.

The pie in the sky

Another day creaking to an end, I'm really bummed out in a way. Feel like I haven't really enjoyed the summer so far, you know? Not in the traditional way. No picnics, no swimming, no bbq outside in the shade, no long walks in the countryside, no gardening, no camping, zip nada nothing. Just a short cold rainy vacation that included ripping my heart apart in pieces, and work, work, more work, chores and errands. Fucking BLAH. I really hope life brings up tastier dishes in the near future cuz this just ain't cutting it. I refuse to believe this is all there is, dammit!

Need to stay sane

No time to blog today, it's a rat race on crack speed - surviving on coffee, adrenaline and headache tablets! Must. Take. Deep. Breath. OK back to the grinder... sigh.

Almost curfew time...

...pretty soon bf will nag at me to go to bed, LOL! Good thing cuz I get carried away, sipping wine and trolling the net and catching up on forums and blogs... man, I'm so far behind right now it's discouraging. Smiler, whatever happened to NSNGND? Did I do something wrong? :(

Again the short evening flew by... oh la la is it ever still gross and sticky and tomorrow is gonna be WORSE and wtf am I supposed to wear!! I sweat rivers walking to and from work, and freeze to death in the air-conditioned office for the entire day. I can't win! Anyways. Catherine Zeta-Jones is on David Letterman right now, oh is she ever hot, proof that cosmetic surgery is so worth it sometimes (she's had her nose and eyes done, and a few other things). Brunettes rock! No wonder so many blondes dye their hair dark... Artificial intelligence. Tsk.

Went tanning tonight, getting that gorgeous golden honey glow back and the freckles, well they're part of the package so I guess they're ok. Still have a ways to go before I'm ready for the superhot party at the House of Blues in San Diego in two weeks. Rock ON baby!!

Funny broken sign

Look closely... very clevah! "Say no to crack and yes to a diet!"

New Sex poll results

To the question "Sex with a new person (assuming you really like this person and you both *want* sex) typically occurs:", you answered:

Before the first date. Who needs to date? 27%
Either on the 2nd or 3rd dates. 18%
After more than 3 dates, less than 6. 14%
After more than 6 dates... what's the rush? 14%
My answer is not here, I'll explain in a post comment! 14%
On the first date. 9%
After marriage only. 5%

Comments, anyone?

PS: New poll coming soon, stay tuned!

Show me the love

Ahhh yes, latte... the quintessential morning drug, how I love thee! Specially after a very short night of restless sleep... 3rd day in a row that it takes me a couple of hours to fall asleep so yeah, morning are rough and thank the lord for eyedrops even if they feel like acid being dropped in my poor red eyes. UGH! Gonna be another humid scorcher today... luckily my dogsitter isn't working today so he took the dogs early, that way they get to spend the entire day in A/C instead of suffering and panting in this stuffy appartment. Lucky, fluffy, clean, shedding dawgs! LOL! I warned him... they'll smell great but you'll be brooming for hours, you just can't win on days like this.

I wanted to go to my brother's for a dip in the lake but a) I have too much work and b) he is on the road today and c) get this: there are now fucking LEECHES in the lake so the HELL I'm ever dipping a single toe in there ever again. Leeches... they are my ultimate nightmare. I mean I have a phobia of all bugs and insects but bloodsuckers? Faint.

OK I need to get moving... gonna be a long rough day at the office, the aftermath of losing team members and getting readjusted and all. Sigh. Send me your good vibes, peeps?...

Mmmm-hmmm

"I prefer to regard a dessert as I would imagine the perfect woman: subtle, a little bittersweet, not blowsy and extrovert. Delicately made up, not highly rouged. Holding back, not exposing everything and, of course, with a flavor that lasts." ~Graham Kerr

Is that clear?

Stinky dogs, no more!

Ah, finally... dogs are getting a much-needed bath tonight. When the dogsitter complains of the stench, it's overdue! Shampooing off the dead fish and sand from the vacation two weeks ago... eek!

What a crazy day. We lost some team members due to "restructuring", it's so very painful... great people that are suddenly gone. They'll be replaced with people who fit more into "where we want to go as a company" and I get that, it is necessary for survival... but man. So soon before our biggest tradeshow of the year, what super-sucky timing. UGH. Now it's like juggling with angry cats on fire. Christ.

So one good thing with this muggy heat and stress: I'm eating less, eating better, hardly any junk and am slimming down again, which is perfect. Still have the curves in the right places but belly getting flatter - I love it. Yayyy for veggies and fruit salads! :-)

Alive and kicking

Or rather alive and sticking - it's bleddy hot and humid outside again, a real sauna. Thank god for A/C in the bedroom, it was bliss... and the dogs thought so, too! Went to bed too late again and too wound up, couldn't sleep, luckily some major cuddles with sexy bf fixed all that... Loves comes in waves lately, always carried by strong currents - and conquering adversity only makes us stronger and more united, how ironic!

My morning was however wasted with another headache, and I got to work at noon. UGH. Big pile o'stuff to do on my desk... luckily my dogsitter just called so the kids get to be "in air-conditioned disneyland" for the rest of the day. I love that man... he takes care of the dogs as if they were his own. I wish I knew how to spoil him half as much as he spoils us.

To sleep on

"In my age, as in my youth, night brings me many a deep remorse. I realize that from the cradle up I have been like the rest of the race - never quite sane in the night." ~Mark Twain

Need to close the poll soon

Seems like it wasn't a very successful poll anyways, the votes are all over the place and basically cancel each other out, LOL! I need ideas for a new one, something provocative enough to tickle minds but general enough to interest everyone. Hmm.

There was a huge fire close to home tonight, bf took the kids out for a walk to see the damage and just called, there are apparently over a dozen firetrucks there, ambulances, police, street blocked off and cordonned off, thick black smoke still pouring out of the building hours after the fire... it's a mess. It sure shrinks my current problems down to size... How easy it is to lose everything, even one's life, so quickly up in flames. How to live with the aftermath if a loved one perished in such a stupid accident, and the last words you shared were stupid angry ones that were not worth your very breath? I think I would need therapy for the rest of my life. BF, come home now... I really need to hug you.

Men's dream vacation spot

"Playbitch" centerfold, August issue

Reeeerr! Come to papa! LOL


On a more serious note, it's hot. It's bleddy hot. Both dogs are panting terribly after a short run in the sunny bee-filled field. At least I got to make a few phonecalls while they were out doing their thing (mom, Smiler, my bro) so I'm not completely out of touch with the world...

I don't feel alone, I am not alone. Just lonely for the dream I've been living the past years that is now shattered, being held together by spit and leftover hope. Trying to keep my dignity intact while everything else melts away. My stomach is in knots a good portion of the day, my headaches have returned and I hear ghosts at every turn of my head. Sometimes I wonder if just never loving again, just being numb would be easier. Why sink all this effort into something that will ultimately leave you with nothing but scars?

Some days are better than others, I guess this isn't one of them to be honest. Thanks to everyone who reached out to me today, who sent a word of encouragement and a virtual hug - yes I'll get through this and your help makes it real. Love, peace, out.

Injection of humor

Laughter, the best medecine... and because this garden needed a bit of color.

To be a rock

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

Oh, to be a rock and have no feelings, show no emotions, no pain and no tears. To be covered, caressed and embraced by the sea twice every day, to be part of both salt world and star world. To be discovered as a source of inspiration, photographed, giggled over, touched and delighted about, then covered again by a blanket of dark cold water, forgotten and alone to lick my wounds.

Dark night

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

"God loved the birds and invented trees.

Man loved the birds and invented cages."

~Jacques Deval, Afin de vivre bel et bien

Betrayed and disrespected

(Apologies to my dear readers, please skip this RANT as it's only directed at one certain person - I am seething and in utter disbelief and need to get the poison out - thanks for your understanding...)

I know you're reading this, and I just wanted you to know how much you've hurt me. And I hope you at least have the decency to read what I have to say because you made this happen, you deserved this. At least have the courage to face your fuck-ups. I am in no mood to be nice so brace yourself.

SHAME ON YOU for being such a deceitful, rotten lying back-stabbing two-faced SNAKE. Hah. I got you good, didn't I? I finally got the truth out of you. I knew there was a reason you've been clinging to my man like a drowning rat, bugging him all the time with MSM, text messages, phonecalls and emails. You're pathetic. Just because your crappy relationship is going to hell doesn't give you the right to sink your claws into other people's men because you're afraid to grow up and find new toys all by yourself.

At least I'm glad I found out who you really are under all that fake botoxed face. You are a very sad, über-pathetic COW. How dare you pretend to be nice to me, la-dee-da hey let's be friends, while all that time you are building a fantasy in that vapid head of yours about being with my man once he's back in Australia and then lying about it with every breath? Is this what decent human beings do to each other?

I guess it doesn't really matter because nothing will take away or destroy the love he and I have for each other, specially not you. Nothing you will ever say or do will make you half the woman that I am, no matter how much makeup you slap on your fat face or how much cleavage you show to distract men from your empty head. You're a nobody, just remember that. I hope you rot in hell, you goddamn russian piece of shit bitch.

Why dogs are better

Blessed sleep!

Even if I got up too late again today (is 11:30am late? LOL), and it's a hot 23C of gorgeous sun outside - I don't feel guilty cuz I slept and snoozed and relaxed enough to be in a good place today. Started my period too so the PMS is easing up, still have a headache but the pills are keeping it tame. Allelujah. Just finished breakfast and a superb latte, will tackle my list of things to do now... Thank god bf is helping, the damn thing is a mile long and would take me 8 hours to finish! Grunt.

I heard the *worst* joke

Sensitive peeps, you can skip right over this part mmkay? "How can you tell a guy's got a high sperm count?" "You have to chew before you can swallow." he he! hehehe!

Winding down

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ~George Carlin

4pm and passing out

Can't keep my eyes open, am sooo tired... Decided to take the kids with me to the tailor's, that ended up being almost an hour's walk in the hot sun and now everybody's conked out. It's sooo beautiful out but am too exhausted to really enjoy it, how lame... Afternoon siestas make a lot of sense when you think about it! Tummy's grumbling so will have a snack and then bf is chopping up 10 packs of chicken legs, tomorrow we'll do the grinding & prepare more dinners for the kids for when I'm gone. This place is covered in dust and dog hair, the carpet reeks and will get a deep shampooing later today... hopefully tomorrow we can get away and enjoy the summer cuz today is shot. At least I'm too tired to feel or think much today. Yey.

Shampoo ad

Meoooww!

Honeyed sunshine

It's nice out, finally. Didn't sleep very much or too well, got up very late but I'm allowed to do what I want this weekend so I'm taking it easy... Headache's still there - convinced it's hormonal now - bastard womanly problems!

Anyways. Crunching painkillers now then going for a nice long shower and will go run a few errands, then we'll take the kids for a late-afternoon walk down by the canal or something... and they both get a bath tonight, they're so cruddy it's driving me crazy. Hope the mood stays good... I really need a happy day.

The long way home

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

Everyone's right: I can do this, I am stronger than I think, I need to live one day at a time. But it's also OK to have days like this, to allow myself to just *feel* instead of always thinking and rationalizing. Right? Right. The sky is slowly drying up and warmer drier weather is on the way, I will catch up on sleep and kill this nagging headache, take deep breaths and count my blessings (if I can count that high). I won't let PMS win this month, I just won't.

At least I resolved a bunch of banking screwups today, I even made tuna melts for dinner while bf took the kids for a run in the sogging wet field, then went for a quick tan and hopefully trigger some positive chemical hoopla between my ears. For the weekend, rented "Little Miss Sunshine" cuz Prin will whip my butt if I never get to see this movie, and Mel Gibson's "Apoctalypto" cuz it looked wicked cool. So yeah. Just crunched some tylenol and bf offered to rub my sorry excuse for a neck, and my mantra for today is: it's OK not to be OK, not to be strong and smiling all the time. Self-acceptance is the long way home.

Can't. breathe.

Took a walk in the rain at lunchtime to go pay a bill downtown, and on the way back to my office my stupid iPod shuffle chose the "Happy XMas (war is over) John Lennon remake by Sarah McLaughlin, and I just about lost it. It flung me 5 months forward into the holiday season, where I will not be celebrating anything except abject misery, in the bleak winter months with nobody to warm my heart and my spirit, nobody to cuddle with on the couch while the snow ticks against the balcony doors, nobody to spoil, to love and just... to hold me in that special way. And BF is being so good to me, so nice and loving and amazing and...

I am grinding my teeth so hard right now to stop the tears from burning my face, I am going to die when he leaves - I need to get out of this office, I can't breathe, it just hurts OK? I can't stand the thought of being in a crowd and feeling like an alien, out of place and so lonely that even if I screamed, nobody would hear. God, are you listening? Are you there?

Dog days

I'm an idjitt

With alzheimer's and swiss cheese for brains. Went online to do some banking and had the shock of seeing a huge chunk of money gone from the account, WTF?? For the life of me, couldn't remember who I wrote out the check to 2 months ago that got cashed yesterday, it didn't make sense, yadi yadi... So called the bank and for a fee, they were kind enough to tell me who it was written out to. Turns out I had made 3 checks for the cottage rental instead of 2, to two different people, and all the checks got cashed at different intervals (a conspiracy to confuse me even more?! hmm) - dumbass mistake on my part. Grrr. So I called the cottage owner who just laughed and said "come by after work we'll fix it". I'm lucky he is in town as he's often gone, and I'm lucky he's not a jerk who could have said "what check?" - ya know?

That'll teach me to be such a fucking airhead - from now on, I'm writing things down, man. What date I write a check to whom, for how much and what for. My head is still spinning from the adrenaline!

Getting up is hard to doooo

Somebody's brewed coffee and it's such a delightful, giddy scent... ah. It was hell tearing myself out of bed this morning, what with the thick, heavy misty disgusting rain outside and only 6 hours of sleep under my skin. Blech. Dieu merci c'est vendredi!

So I looked at the calendar this morning and nearly had a heart attack: this weekend we hit the 3rd week of July and I never saw a damn thing. Feels like summer has not even begun despite the few hot unbearable steamy days, the days are getting shorter and I'm losing my mind! WTF is this shit? So OK I'm on PMS right now and severely sleep-deprived but that doesn't make the rain dry up nor the days swing back to early June, when summer was just a smiling coy promess of good things to come. I feel cheated :-(

Damaged People

We're damaged people
Drawn together
By subtleties that we are not aware of
Disturbed souls
Playing out forever
These games that we once thought we would be scared of

When you're in my arms
The world makes sense
There is no pretense
And you're crying
When you're by my side
There is no defense
I forget to sense

I'm dying

We're damaged people
Praying for something
That doesn't come from somewhere deep inside us
Depraved souls
Trusting in the one thing
The one thing that this life has not denied us

When I feel the warmth
Of your very soul
I forget I'm cold
And crying
When your lips touch mine
And I lose control
I forget I'm old
And dying

(Depeche Mode / Playing the Angel, 2005)

Pancakes for dinner!

Banana pancakes, bathing in organic maple syrup. Why the hell not? It was awesome, it was exactly what I felt like, and it put BF on a temporary cloud 9. What's not to love? grin!

It rained pretty much nonstop today, but as Smiler said, rainy days have their purposes in that they alleviate some of the guilt we have for not wanting to be outside or in my case, not being able to because of work. As long as it stops raining at 5pm, eh? Mom Nature, are you listening?!

I need to thank Cocotteski for putting me back in touch with an old and dear friend of mine, Marcus. How one loses touch with friends is a mystery, kinda like the stain that always appears on your new white shirt, nobody knows how it got there but, there you go. It happens. But as I said in a post earlier this week, real friends... don't need huge bridges to fill the gap that time has left between the years: you just more or less take up where you left, patch it up with the biggest life events, a hug, a laugh, and it's magic.

California, here I come... leaving in two weeks. WHAT? Did I say that? ACK!!! I have to start packing! I need new shoes! I'm so not ready! Sigh. No wonder I have curly hair, it's messed up from the wind from life speeding by like a hare on fire. Maybe I need another pancake.

Broken sign of the day

Where is this, Australia?!

Internet lock-out

Our wonderful internet provider was on the fritz last night, it was strange to be disconnected from the virtual world. At least BF had the time to give me a very nice massage to loosen up my steel-rigid muscles, I guess that was an advantage... no outside distractions for a few hours.

Still weak and shaky this morning from all the drugs. Ended up at the office at noon yesterday, worked nonstop until 7pm, then did the groceries, fixed the kitchen faucet (no more drips! yay!), yadi yada, I don't remember most of the evening I was so effing tired. Not much better today, I wish the news were better... Dark gray pregnant clouds outside, thunderstorms on the way... and more rain tomorrow. Frigging lack of summer is starting to be ENOUGH already.

Well this about sums it up then:

5am migraine

Just when I thought I was out of the woods.... bam! Had to get up at 6am to drug myself up, the pain was sooo bad it wouldn't let me sleep despite being exhausted. Dozed on and off until 8:45am, had to get up to try and get ready for work. Dizzy from jackhammers in my head, so took a super-mega-painkiller dose which has left me with numb arms, a cotton-head and even dizzier than before. Pain not completely gone but is bearable now, but for how long... Effing hell. I'm scared to leave the house and just want to sleep, but there is so much damn work to do... I can't call in sick for the whole day, I just can't.

Important message

For the man I love with all my heart... my ness. For my parents, who didn't know what they were doing as teenagers but gave up everything they had to raise me, form me into the person I am today. For my brothers and my sister, the blood that grounds me. For my grandparents, still hanging on as they near their 90's, my second set of parents. For all my other family out there, smiling at me from under shady trees. For my friends, my chosen family, my support and my lifeline. This one is for you.

Friends are fuel

Fuel for the soul and the spirit - you know your friends are for real when you haven't seen them in forever yet, it only takes one meetup, one phonecall, or one chat and it's like you were together yesterday. There is just no downtime, you know? No awkward posturing, or silences, or smalltalk bla bla. Yeah. I am so damn blessed, I want to shout it on the rooftops! So to my friends, I tell you this:

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." ~Elisabeth Foley

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down." ~Arnold Glasow

What a crazy day it's been. Had a loooong meeting with HR and my boss to nail down my job description and new tasks, what a messy and convoluted affair. I'm being pushed to do stuff I absolutely, positively despise (more like a phobia, if you will) and for sure it'll affect my review... still lots of discussion to go through, what a brain drain. Add to that the stress of two job mandates, working late, rushing home to take care of the kids and trying to get errands done (never managed to get the groceries tonight, that'll have to be tomorrow).

I'm just drained. Two nights of bad sleep don't help, either. It was really cool to see my little bro again though, he showed me what was wrong with the kitchen sink taps so Thursday, I know how to take them apart again and bring the parts to the hardware store for replacements. Hah! Knowledge is powah! He liked my chili and home-made iced tea, am flattered. That guy is a nutrition whiz, he knows more than your average dietician - how cool is that?

Kay. Rambling, I'm boring, sorry. Time for my shower anyways... where I often reflect on "is this what life is all about? Rushing from one part of the day to another? Why is tomorrow always arriving so fast?"

"Have a nice day!"

Life is really good right now, too bad the days are numbered - it really puts a damper on things. Yeah I'll admit it, the future scares me - I hope that changes once I'm neck-deep in the crapper. Right now I'm sticking my head in the sand and just bracing myself for the storm to whip my ass that's sticking up in the air... Good lord. I should just assume the armadillo position, would make things so much easier - genius!

Anyweeeeys. Another gorgeous summer day has graced us with its presence, hope to enjoy a bit of it later when taking the kids out for their evening walk. Then I need to get some groceries, stop by my dogsitter's house to drop a couple of things off, and be home on time for when my little bro drops by - I asked him to show me how to change the kitchen sink washers, they're soooo ooold and worn out, it's a constant dripdripdripdrip that drives me batshit. I could prolly grab my wrench and wing it but why risk making things worse? I'm all into the transfer-of-knowledge thing... So yah. Busy today from start to finish. Hope to be more inspired later this evening!

Fuzzytime

"The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late." ~Charles Caleb Colton

Heeding Paul's advice

Telling the part of me that wants to wallow lazily to "zip it" - and just DO what I know I'll feel good about once it's done. So there. I ate very well today while plowing through a pile of work, managed some chores this evening after caring for the kids, caught up on some correspondance and even went tanning - which I hadn't done in 6 weeks. And yeah, it does feel pretty good to get back in the groove.

I promised myself a 10pm shower so that I can slip into bed early and try to catch up on some sleep. Last night took me forever to fall into slumber and that is unusual - I really hope insomnia is not going to rear its ugly head again - I'll beat it to a freakin' pulp if it gets close! California is in less than 3 short weeks and there is still soooo much work to do - aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Need to focus on this, and the rest will flow naturally.

Survey says!

Poll results for the question: "You've won the lottery! Now you have to choose how you want your money. Do you take..."

One million dollars in one lump sum, right now: 71%
A thousand dollars a week, for the rest of your life: 29%

And I was gonna take the weekly payoff... but then how would I buy that seaside cottage to blog from in front of the lovely coastal sunset? Hmm. You've all set me on the right track. Ooops. I need to buy a lottery ticket first, right? LOL!

Need an IV drip

For the caffeine, that is (I wish). Lots of intense work to deal with and need all the concentration I can get - stuck on a conference call right now, haven't had lunch yet and am munching on awfully salty cheese - tastes great but the water-retention that'll come later is gonna suck!

Why do foods that taste so good wreak such havoc on our health? I love fruits, veggies and healthy foods but junk food is just so much easier to get your hands on and tastes sooo goood. Damn those calories! Damn those fat, sodium, sugar and carb grams! Sigh. Going to munch on some cucumbers and red peppers now. (roll eyes)

Home is where the heart is

How often does one hear that saying? Yet, how to define where our heart really is, if it can't settle down? Does heart = love for a person, or love for a place? Can you have one without the other and still feel complete? A home without love is just a house, made of stones and dirt and all things tangible. The rest... you cannot define, feel or touch - it just "is". You only know it's gone when you feel that dull ache in your heart and realize... wow. I didn't know what I had, until I lost it.

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

I did it.

I actually allowed myself to take a long and overdue nap... dozed and slept for more than two hours, felt sooo refreshed upon waking up but now, am again exhausted. That's seriously twisted, man. Had an egg-salad sandwich with lettuce for dinner, with a glass of orange juice, feel bloated and ick. Yawning my jaw off. I know I need to start caring for myself again, moving and exercising, getting a bit of color back, eating well... just can't find the damn motivation, you know? Where does one start? How to *want* to? Everything pretty much feels like a mountain these days and I ain't got no climbing gear.

Today's broken sign

So... bleddy... tired

Totally pathetic... I see tomorrow rearing its ugly Monday head and want to crawl under the covers and sleep for the next three days. Sure I was on vacation last week, but it was emotionally draining and the past work week was physically and mentally draining, which leaves me with not much to hang on to. I might break down and have a little nap right now, even if it's almost 5pm and it might screw up my sleep tonight... ah well, there's always wine for that! I'm so healthy. :-(

To the future

"All changes, even the most longed for,

have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us

is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life

before we can enter another."

~Anatole France

Reformatted, almost

I didn't have access to my laptop until late last night yesterday, as BF spent most of the day reformatting the dang thing, and it's still missing some stuff (audio device and Photoshop being two biggies). It ended up raining from 4pm onwards - nonstop hard stuff - so pretty gloomy and uninspiring. Managed to spend most of the day doing chores and errands though, was in bed at 2am and right now I'm about to have a narcoleptic fit. Soooo tired.

Just came back from brunch with my friend N, we had a great time. Am done with driving in the hot traffic though, no really I'm exhausted from the past week and haven't caught up on any sleep whatsoever. Ugh. Of course it's hot and gorgeous outside so feel the "need" to get out and enjoy the day... sleepwalking... I have to call Smiler back now, hope to meet her later if she can endure my yawns. Oh and still have to prepare the kid's food for while I'm away, that'll take a good hour, and drop some stuff off at my dogsitter's cuz the chest freezer is full... it never ends. When do I get to rest? Grunt.

Message to all the children:

Great start to a beautiful day

It's sunny, light breeze and fresh... Had a nice long sleep (besides the lunatic dreams) but didn't wake up too late, had a morning cuddle with bf - a treat! - he's out walking the kids now... I just finished breakfast & a supergorgeous latte, will go take a shower and get dressed, feed the kids and get going on some much-needed shopping. Mundane stuff, I know... Brain's not in gear yet, does it show? I'm happy today. Very happy.

G'nite peeps

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

~Satchel Paige

ffffffft.

Balloon of stress deflating... so good to be home on a Friday night, tummy full of peanut-butter toast and milk (because I can!) and waiting for BF to finish chopping up the 35 lbs of chicken frames he picked up this afternoon, then we grind & pack up.

It's one of the things I don't know how I'll manage on my own, there is no way I can lug such a heavy box up 3 flights of stairs - bad back & shoulders, and the last time I chopped chicken frames I ended up at the chiro in tears and semi-paralyzed from severely pinched nerves and spasmed muscles. I'll have to figure something out, just coming up empty for now.

Everyone around me, both in the real and virtual worlds, has been extremely supporting and so kind the past week, I just don't know what to say except "thank you" from the bottom of my heart. However the hard part is only coming later, when he's packing and then after he's gone... leaving a gaping hole in my life. Ugh. I need happy thoughts right now, not these dark clouds... Think of chocolate! Think of hot chocolate! Chocolate-covered chocolate! Sigh.

Chewing the minutes away

Wonder what a minute tastes like.

Happy Friday the 13th!

Of course it's raining and thundering again - why not, it's summer! Rain, rain, cold, clouds, more fucking rain... what is the matter with this place. No wonder BF wants to get the hell out of here. GGHHA! Despite all this, I'm in a good mood - go figure. Got to work late this morning, but I worked so much the past few days that it's OK. Gotta live a little.

So my little bro just pinged me, he's single since last weekend - what is this, a freaking epidemic? Thank GOD the past week brought some good news... the lump in my mom's breast is NOT cancer after all (thankyougodamen), smiler is on the path to recovery even if she doesn't know it yet, my job is secure for at least a few more months, bf still loves me after all this shit, even if he's leaving, had a great lunch with my friend Annie yesterday, I had missed her terribly. It's the little things that make life less bitter, you know? OK back to the grinder, soon time for egg-salad sandwich and tea for lunch. Wheee.

Parting thought

"Lust fades, so you'd better be

with someone who can stand you."
~Alan Zweibel and Jessie Nelson, The Story of Us

Totally beat

Exhausted, drained, whatever you want to call it. Waaay too much intensive long hours at work, not enough fresh air, exercise or sleep. So yah... am calling it a night. Again thank god BF took the kids out tonight, I had to work late then pick up some groceries on the way home (oowww my arms dem marrow bones are heavy!), feed the kids, do the dishes, have a bite to eat, work some more from home, return a bunch of emails, wash my hair... completely brain dead after that. KaPuT! Yeah... I'm sooo tough. (smirk)

Superbusycrazyday!

Photo copyright Technodoll, 2007

But needed to take a quick break... some cool sea air radiating from this pic did the trick! Wish I was there... anywhere but here.