I wasn't born insecure and distrustful of every human being except for my mother. It took years of disappointments, lies, cheating partners, illusions and empty promises inflicted on me to get me where I am today - lots of hard work!
Yes, I have baggage.
Yes, I'm broken.
I'm not easy to live with and I know I ask a lot of my partners, well only from Vegas now - he's supposed to love me forever, right? I'm supposed to be his number one.
Well this week I've felt like number two and it's shit. The biggest news of my life, I couldn't celebrate with my husband (the house mortgage). I feel so alone and lost and I don't think he cares very much.... He's "busy". He's been gone 3 weeks out of 5 now, and the other two times he was gone weren't this bad: at least we were in contact more or less.
Now I'm completely cut off, my panic level is rising like a flooded toilet and I don't feel he's making much effort to keep in touch - the 3-hour time difference means he's up partying while I lay in bed, sleepless, wondering what the hell is going on. No news in the morning makes it worse. How hard can it be to send a short email before going to bed? A phone call? Anything?
My stomach is in knots, still two more long days of this crap to get through. I've asked him to help get me through it but his work and his drinking and socializing come first, if he has time for me then maybe I'll get a crumb.
I am so underwhelmed right now, I'm about to take that baggage and leave. Bah humbug!
/end of Are Men Are All The Same? post/
22 comments:
Ok where to start?
I'm just going by what you are writing here. So slap me down if I'm incorrect.
You need to learn to trust your husband.
I'm not making mens excuses, however, I really do believe that men and women think of things differently, see situations differently. But I am also more like a guy....when I used to travel when I worked for the airline (granted, not in the day of internets - or just new internets), I called once a day. And if I missed my hubby, or he missed me, no big deal. I'd be home soon enough (and sometimes my courses were weeks long, one of them a month in Germany).
I'm fairly certain (not speaking for Vegas here) that you are the most important thing to him, but, that job, when the new house is a reality (as in, you have no day job), he's going to be the only bread winner for a bit, and that job, during which he's probably supposed to socialize (I realize I don't know what he does for a living exactly) is going to be really important to you guys in the long run.
Not wanting to make light of your feelings, because they are exactly that, your feelings, but perhaps, just perhaps, you need to sit down and examine that baggage and try to work on it.
It's partially why I purposely kept my self single for so long...last guy made me a big mess. I needed to fix that mess before I was any use to another man. I'm by no means a perfect specimen as you know, but I try to put myself in the other person's shoes and try to see things from their persective, and it helps alot....
Make sense? helpful? prolly not...
You need to trust him. He loves you, you know this. All the other stuff needs to get out of your head. You are not a kid...you are an adult and you both chose to have this life together..now deal!!
I mean that in the nicest way. :)
He will be home soon, but you have to believe you can manage on your own without his constant contact. make sense???
Take care-
Suz
Myself, my logical side knows all of this. Unfortunately it goes to sleep alot and my emotions take the reigns and I'm left holding onto the carts as it flies over rocky terrain. And I have motion sickness :-(
Busy Bee, I think if I weren't so emotionally exhausted after the events of the past two months, things would be a tad easier. Insecurities like to feed onto tiredness and frustrations... sigh. I miss him, what can I say?
He married you, remember? Of course he loves you and surely he wouldn't do you wrong.
Trust can be difficult, I understand that. Believe me, I do. But, if nothing else, remember that he isn't the enemy. The constant contact/communication isn't as necessary as some may think it is because, truly, at the end of the day (or business trip), your husband is coming home to you. Of course he misses you, of course he's thinking about you . . . he shouldn't have to prove that.
I can be as insecure as the next person. Hell, I know I can be. But, also, I've been informed how unattractive insecurity is. (ugh, so not grammatically correct). Your husband would not make a lifelong commitment to you if his feelings and love for you were nothing short of total and complete.
Deep breaths and relax.
Kathryn, I'm gulping in the deep breaths, breathe breathe - I know he loves me. I just need help, lots of help, to get over this bump in the road. I guess I wanted him to be my knight in shining armour and well, he's just human and I have to deal with it. I thought I was stronger than this... am pissed at myself.
Myself, yes they are. Especially when they keep you awake at night, eating away at everything good in your brain :-(
There are times when we always want our men to be our knights in shining armour. But, sometimes, we have to rely on ourselves. And, something tells me you're strong enough to pull through this without him pulling up on his white horse. Believe me, when you truly need the knight in shining armour - he'll be there. No doubt.
And don't berate yourself for a moment or two of weakness. It helps build character and also makes us realize we are all just human. We're entitled to feeling a little insecure from time to time. But don't allow it to consume you.
:o)
I think we get used to having someone else and "forget" how to be strong, so, it's there, you've just forgotten how.
This is why I fear getting involved again. Losing my ability to stand on my own 2 feet. Took me a long time to find those feet.
So find yours so you can use 'em when he's travelling for work :)
Kathryn, I should be *full* of character by now! Just need a shovel to unbury it, I guess... damn this gray rainy day and week of PMS, what bad timing. Gaah.
Myself, I used to have two solid legs, I really did. Dunno what happened - maybe I just expect too much of people. That must be it. Trust is my fuel and right now I'm stuck to the tarmac.
You do need to learn to trust him, yes. BUT at the same time, he needs to learn to take care of you too. It's not ALL on you. He chose you, decided to keep you forever and married you. He has to work every day to prove to you that it was the right thing to do (and vice versa).
If an email is what you need, he's not meeting your needs. And frankly, an email is not that difficult to send.
BUT! I know you. An email isn't enough. And that's on you to work on. You can't keep asking for him to bend over backwards constantly. Eventually, his back will get too sore and he'll leave- which is what you are expecting. No self-fulfilling prophecies.
Relationships are work and both people have to be willing to put the work in for it to work. Both people have to realize that also. Learn what your partner's needs are and try to help satisfy them, but also learn what your own needs are and learn to satisfy them on your own so your spouse doesn't feel all that pressure constantly.
I know kiddo (having my own insecurity issues right now also, please feel free to read, laugh & point), but it'll be ok. He lurves you. I have photos to prove it :)
what Miss Smarty Pants Prin said.
Ditto...totally.
Smarty Pants Prin says thanks. :D
oh, well, yeah . . . you add gray weather AND PMS??!??! no wonder you feel like you're sinking. chalk your feelings up to PMS and a lil insecurity and that's that. you're fine. you'll be fine. and with all your character . . . you'll be able to move mountains once the PMS wears off.
PMS changes EVERYTHING. During that time, "the stranger" takes over. I don't know who she is, but it ain't me. And my other half just tries to stay out of the line of fire. LOL
NOOOO!!! He isn't going anywhere. You are his number one priority!
You need sisterhood brunch in horrible restaurant!! :-D
Ooo, can I come? I promise to eat.
Prin, I keep sayin' you should have been a marriage counselor ;-)
Myself, I don't think anyone has the right to point and laugh at other's feelings, no matter how drunk they are. I'll kick them.
Kathryn, maybe I need happy pills?? LOL
Curly, if he leaves will you help me drag him back? Er, for the pancakes I mean. Ouain.
Prin, I'd love to see you eat!
Why not? The more, the merrier. I must warn you though - the place is crammed, there are not enough waitresses. I don't like the food but everyone I like does.
But the company is awesome and the coffee is hot and fresh.
And yes, I'd drag him back with my muscular noodle arms :)
If he leaves, he isn't half the man he said he was.
Oh sweetie, this is marriage :o) No one ever, ever said it would be easy.
You have had a lot of good advice here - yay for Prin - The only thing I can add is that men are peculiar creatures and he will likely be hurt and bewildered if you yell at him when he comes home and if yours is like mine (and I think he is a little bit) hurt and bewildered only makes them cross and defensive and then it is a short trip to a flaming row.
So douce et belle to start and then let him know how you feel bit by bit. This gets them almost every time.
Oh...and it is completely obvious that he adores you. Say that three times when you can't get to sleep :o)
(hugs)
ah, dearest, i know how you feel. Me and Duke have had so many similar issues (remember, me and Duke rarely ever have a weekend together) and the lacck of emails, phone calls, or missed (maybe ignored) phone calls make me feel about the same way. It's normal, and it's something that we are working out in counseling
I hope you are feeling better now. This was good advice to read. We all have our things. I have no advice to give, but I will say I think you're wonderful and don't forget about the parts of you that are amazing. It's always good to work on our weak links, but our strong ones are what make it possible. You are awesome! You make me feel like I have a friend in Canada and I am not the only one I know. I'll send my best wishes your way.
Curly, can't wait for tomorrow's pancakes and coffee!
Prin, he's not going anywhere... I wouldn't let him anyways ;-)
Sian, your words were a huge comfort. I take strength in them, and yes I need to remember he adores me as much I do him. Douceur!
TG, absence doesn't really make the heart grow fonder, does it? I hope you two are having an easier time now...
Lady B, I guess we can survive anything, eh? Even if that doesn't mean we have to like it... (hugs)
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