I'm putting the blame on Monday, when it really doesn't have much to do with it at all. Or the grey skies, or the very short night of sleep. It's just me and the general heavy flatness crushing me that's the matter. Am not doing much to fight it, at this point, I kinda welcome the numbness to be honest.
Everything feels skewed and out of place and proportion, for some reason. Love chose a strange time to come knocking. I answered the door in my housecoat and slippers, hair in rollers and rubbing nightmares from my eyes and said "hullo?" and it just walked in and made itself at home. It's been a wonderful presence, inspiration and strength in my life and I've no regrets, don't get me wrong. Only I'm tired because I never got the chance to get back to bed and recuperate from anything. It's now affecting my judgment on some things and I'm afraid to crash. Nobody likes a drunk driver.
I've held it together for years and am now unravelling, one two three threads at a time. Some days I'm the voyeur sitting on the couch, watching my life on TV and just nodding along or shaking my fist and yelling at thin air. Other days I feel like a bug under a looking glass, trying to sheild myself from the glare and prying eyes.
I've nowhere to go. I've barely the strength to crawl into a dark corner and curl up to hibernate. Would this even fix anything? Would it make me a kinder, gentler and better person towards myself and towards those I love?
If anyone has a spare GPS to lend me, I'd be ever so grateful.
5 comments:
Snug as a bug in a rug. Be that. Protect yourself. Comfort yourself. Regain your independence and cherish it.
Love isn't about compromising core values. Love might be a drug, but it will never beat a real one.
You deserve the best. ok?
Beautifully written, but I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you start to feel again, even if it means feeling a little pain so that you can once again feel joy.
True love is a bitch that way: it balances out the highest of highs with the most shattering of lows.
Sometimes, feeling numb is just a break, it's not all bad.
Am feeling better now, after having gathered my bearings and found true north - the journey continues.
I agree with prin. We all deserve to be happy- so why do some of us go through disaster and heartbreak while others never have to experience it. i've been sitting around all weekend crying "woe's me." But I think we just have to have faith in what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
You will get through this. I promise.
and so will you... we all do, eventually. I like your blog and hope you don't mind that I've linked you ;-)
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