I survived the night

Or rather, I survived the insecurities plaguing me all night, after a long blue week. Did I mention I have low self-esteem, despite all the fluff? Yeah. It sucks.

Vegas was at a party and having a good time, as he should be - while I hadn't planned a Saturday night and sat at home moping and vegging, trying very hard to be calm about imaginary monsters.

It's not his fault that alot of my exes "strayed" while at parties where I was not, and I trust him with all my heart - no reason not to. No man ever took the time to call or text me while out partying, but Vegas... sigh. He's my perfect eleven. Every couple of hours he'd go outside in the freezing cold to get cellphone reception and chat for a few minutes, it made me feel so special and safe... hard to explain.

Been going through loads of changes lately, adapting to living alone and building a new routine, juggling two jobs at work, learning to trust in love again slowly but surely - it should be easy, right?

It's exhausting.

Vegas has challenged everything I used to take for granted or "as is", as known. I was so done with love... ready for a break to regroup my senses, get to know who I am, to spend some time either facing my monsters or creating some new ones, who knows?

Then love chose us in the middle of the chaos, and here we are. United, together for better or for worse.

It's a strange experience to build your future on a quasi-virtual basis... by that I mean we live an ocean apart and have only really spent a short 3 weeks together these past months, the rest has been phone, chat, email, text, webcam... Technology rocks but it can never replace warm human touch, scents, the non-verbal communication of just "being".

Sigh. He's so patient with me.

I'm not sure what the point of this post was, or if there was one to begin with. I feel worn out and flatly blue and just... blah.

Am trying to be positive and think of all the wonderful things on our path, just wishing things could happen faster I guess. Fucking hell I miss him, and we just hung up the phone for the 2nd time today.

Am I hopeless? WTF?