Monday, September 10, 2018

Things I have done I’m not proud of…

In no particular order: 
  • Gotten drunk on what I thought was vodka (it was 80% water)
  • Blamed the dog for “that terrible smell”
  • Eaten an entire family-sized bag of chips and called it dinner
  • Lost my virginity to a boy I hated kissing
  • Failed a university class because I was too busy partying (oops)
  • Punched a Russian boy in the sternum after he spit on me
  • Set an oven on fire (accidentally, but still)
  • Stole a library book once when I was 12
  • Endured sociopath narcissist abuse for almost two years because the sex was incredible
  • Yelled at my horse for shitting in his water bucket for the 5th time in a week
  • Bought too-small clothes on sale hoping it would fit me some day (it never did) 
  • Never had a Krispy Kreme donut
  • The two points above are not related
Oh well… Perfection is over-rated.
While being real is being flawed, it sure beats being fake -

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Overcoming dysmorphophobia

I can't be the only one struggling with this stupid game the mind plays: "you're fat! your elbows are too big! omg eyebrows, much? why aren't your feet the exact same size?" - yeah I know, first world problems, vanity, self-indulgence... Or is it?

Well actually, Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD - the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix their dysmorphic part on their person) affects up up to 2.4% of the population, but I wonder how many people go undiagnosed if the symptoms aren't acknowledged or are dismissed? And how severe do the symptoms have to be to qualify as BDD? There's science, and then there's real life - most people I know (okay, most *women* I know) live with a level of  negative body image and I'm no exception.

Baring it out here...  For example, up until a couple of years ago, I always envied women with "boy hips".

Yup, the hourglass figure was not in style when I was growing up and being different sucked. I'm a tomboy at heart so heels and ruffles weren't in my closets much and I didn't know how to amalgamate what I wanted to look like with the body genetics fated me.

It's only recently that I've come to embrace my curves and the older I get, the more I don't really give a crap about being skinny.

Clothes don't fit? To the recycling pile they get tossed, it only leaves space to fill with things that actually do flatter my figure and let me breathe.

Our society puts way too much importance on our meat-covered skeletons, I mean come on - the pressure to be "perfect" is everywhere, most of us are brainwashed from the moment we are born and spend a large part of our lives battling with body image issues that aren't even real in the first place, all in the name of something that doesn't even exist.

Yeah, thanks a lot photoshop you bastard.

So, anyways. My point is that our bodies change with age and it's only fitting that our mindset change with it, hopefully in a positive way.

Ain't nobody got time for negativity, remember that: you are all beautiful no matter your shape or your size, as long as your heart is pure. Stay healthy in mind and spirit and your body will follow. And if people cannot or won't appreciate and love you as you are, it's time to toss them onto the recycling pile, too.

I'll leave you with a few interesting quotes:

What is this drive to be thinner, prettier, better dressed, other? Who exactly is this other and what does she look like beyond the jacket she’s wearing or the food she’s not eating? What might we be doing, thinking, feeling about if we didn’t think about body image, ever? ~ Caroline Knapp

The scale can only tell you what you weigh; not who you are. ~ Steve Maraboli 

The key to feeling better isn’t looking better. It is feeling better about our lives and better understanding what our bodies really are – vehicles in which we can experience life. Our bodies are not life itself; they are objects of motion, not admiration. ~ Rosie Molinary

Disclaimer: these are the only photos of me in a bikini you will ever see posted here. I force myself to look at them from time to time to remind myself that I'm fine the way I am, to stop saying nasty shit to myself - I am good enough. And I hope you know you are, also. 💜

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Wish you were here

Pink Floyd said it best:

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, 
blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war 
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, 
year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


For me, right now, the "you" is... me.
Not anybody else.
The process of finding one's self again is a long one,
Banked by sharp thorn bushes
and deep muddy ditches.

There are good days and there are bad days.

Days go by where my brain is on neutral, numb, automatic gear:
Get through this day,
Get through this day,
Get through this day.

And then there are days where everything is possible,
anything can be done, lived, imagined!

Many days I miss my mom, I miss my dad, my family.
They are my roots and my anchors
And yet sometimes when I'm around them
I feel more lost than ever.
Why is this so?

Drinking the coffee now,
Getting through the day's work
In anticipation of a good night's sleep, 
If that's even possible anymore.

I think I need a vacation.

Monday, February 6, 2017

I know, right?!

I love this quote:
Easy to forget,
difficult to put into practice sometimes.

I'm just happy to have found myself again :)

Saturday, February 4, 2017

New horizons

There comes a breaking point in your life sometimes,
A shift-tilt of the lens - 
your reality suddenly becomes very clear 
and you are faced with what you once thought were choices, 
when all along the choices were made for you through a series of events. 

You become your thoughts.
You are your feelings.
How you let others treat you
is determined by your sense of self-worth.

It takes a long long time to fall out of my grace.
I forgive easily and often, I have great patience - 
Call it being stubborn, I don't know.
I love too much, too hard and for too long.
Often for too little in return.

New horizons now, the map has unfolded
because I finally allowed myself to get angry enough
to say no more.
I deserve better than this. 
I am better than this. 

Those who cannot see it don't belong in my life. 
Not anymore. 

 Respecting my heart enough to allow it to heal now.
It feels... Amazing. 
I am free to attract new energy in my life now.
If your past calls, don't answer - 
it has nothing new to say.

With love and kindness,

Sunday, January 22, 2017

There's a meme for that

Some days you're the statue

And other days you're the bird.

I wonder what's going through this guy's mind?

"Come here you little S**t!! Crap on me one more time..!"

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Deep winter where the only green is made of salad

Oh when ya wake up in the morning

And look outside your door

But all you see is snow grey snow

It makes ya yearn for more

All you can do is think good things

And color them galore

Tequila shots and absinthe drops

Until you hit the floor...


Join in the fun belooooow:

Just kidding.

It's a weekend for resting, not partying. I need to get rid of the germ warfare raging through my body, got attacked out of nowhere two days ago: wham! Had been lucky so far, I'm the only one I know who hadn't gotten a nasty cold yet.

I will beat this, you know.

Ginger and honey tea. Home-made chicken broth. Sleep. 
Echinacea vials 3x/day. Rest. Cough drops to soothe the throat. 
Mild exercise, mostly stretching, to boost the immune system.
Vitamin D. Vitamin C. All other vitamins are good too.
All in moderation, right?

Have a great weekend my friends :)

Wednesday, January 18, 2017


Who are we, really?

Do we become the people others think we are, by our daily words and actions?

Or are we all just actors playing roles, 
depending on who we are with at the moment?

Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

Who do you want to be?
Life is confusing enough as it is.

I wish we could all just... Be.

That's it. 


And be accepted, with no judgments.

That would be nice.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Weekends are for...


Glorious sleeping and just lazing around in bed, dozing.

And dreaming of bedroom redecorating: 
Also good for catching up on social media, cooking and cleaning and preparing lunches for the week, tidying up and running errands and more sleeping and working on that puzzle that's been taking up most of the kitchen table the past few weeks.

OK add in a few shots of salted caramel vodka, please.

One must not be too pious.

Weekends are also for admiring art:
And weekends are for watching movies (Christian Bale's "The Machinist" merits another watching, if you like movies that mess with your head). Recommendations accepted, btw. I'm always looking for great movies, they're hard to find.

How is it already Sunday evening already?!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Big-ass changes

They say when a woman cuts her hair, she's about to make a big change in her life. 

Well, what about doing that after a string of big changes happened in her life? 

That's fair, right?

So I went blonde :)

And I really like it.

Now let's see if blondes have more fun.

I really hope 2017 isn't brutal, please. A break from stress, anxiety, drama and heartache would be nice for a change, I think I've had my quota for a while. They say everyone you meet in life is there to teach you a lesson about something: love, work, ethics, yourself, humanity, philosophy, politics, music, how to properly cut vegetables, the universe. 

What you do with these people is up to you, right?

Some are temporary, like leaves on a tree: they only last for a season. Some even less, they're the buds or the dust that passes through during a storm. Some people are branches, but not all of them are sturdy - some you will break, some will break your arms if you try to hang on to them for too long: snap! On the ground you go!

What you need most a roots, people who will always be there for you no matter what.

Those who will ground you and keep you from blowing away during tornadoes.

Try to avoid the tornadoes, those people will mess up your head but good.

Time will light the way, right?


Monday, January 9, 2017


I've been told I should resuscitate this old thing - kinda had forgotten about it, really. Found it by accident on Google the other day while looking for something else: the joke's on me...

Some things just refuse to die.

So much has happened since that last post - my life just suddenly exploded out of nowhere , I feel like a gored pinata that got thrown in the dryer and left to spin on high for way too long. 

But hey! I'm alive and a big fan of change and adventures so let's get this thing going again and see where it takes us.

From farm to city, 
from dog-mom to non-mom, 
from wife to single girl, 
from rubber boots to high heels, 
from stability to utter chaos: 

It has all happened since August 2015 and shit continues to happen on a daily basis, only the shoveling went from literal to figurative. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, blah blah blah, I still can't lift a dumbbell to save my life so screw you cheap quotes. 

I'm a tired fighter, but fight I will continue to do as there's just no other option is there.

A long time ago, this was one of my favorite toys (I'm the short person):

I'm no diesel engine, believe me. 

But I believe that I can.

And so I shall.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Best! Horse! Ever!

How amazing is this gorgeous horse? :-)

How anyone can send such regal and smart animals off to slaughter for meat is beyond me.

That's like eating cats and dogs!

Say NO to horse slaughter!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Under Leaky Gunmetal Skies

Today is all about melancholy.

I blame the weather:

There is so much grey this winter, I don't know where to put it all!

I almost miss those mountains of white snow sparkling in the sun.


We do get bits of respite, those are the days the dogs and I
manage to cough up enough energy to play for a bit.

Waiting for their friend Dante to arrive:

...and then it's back to this for the rest of the day:

...and this all night long:

In my next life I want to come back as my own dog.


It's raining today.

Vegas and I rebelled and went out for a Junk Lunch, I had
mozza sticks, french onion soup, black forest cake and coffee.
He had a cheeseburger, a poutine and coffee.

About 3500 calories, all combined.

It didn't help any.


Back to clean eating...


Come out, sunshine - I miss you!!


Blue Technodoll xxx

Sunday, January 1, 2012

the New Year :)

Yeah, I know - two months is a long time to be away from blogland...

No mojo = no posts and that's just how it has to be. Today I feel like sharing a few pics with you but I'm not promising a full return as I find *cough* facebook *cough* a more interesting place to hang out, so if any of you want to join me there just send me a message on gmail (my address is in my profile) and we'll take it from there, yes?

Cool! So! Onwards and upwards and in no particular order...

New Year's Eve at the Technofarm was a very quiet affair, just Vegas and I enjoying a little picnic in the living room and then a movie - neither of us like the pressure and fanfare of partying with loud drunk people so we made sure to hermit the evening away. It was lovely :-)

We did however celebrate Christmas day with my family, made the drive to my brother's place in harrowing weather - everyone thankfully made it unscathed - and oh, the laughs! the food! the noise! It was perfect.

Us on the way there before the snow, ice and bad drivers wiped the smiles off our faces:

Back at home, the two fatheads held the fort (and the tree):

Oh yes, there were many "just because" moments too! :-D

A couple of weeks before the holidays the doggies got treated to an afternoon at the spa, well OK mommy and daddy got treated by not having wet, smelly, shedding dogs in the house - yey! Everyone fell in love with the goofballs, they made us proud by being super well-behaved. It was Maika's very first time being groomed elsewhere than at home and Dakotah's second time, so yeah I was relieved and happy!

They are still nice and fluffy and sweet-smelling today, isn't that nice!

The weather, on the other hand, isn't that nice...
alternating between ice-cold, blowing snow, hail, freezing rains
and warm melty weather before it freezes again :-/

On the rare nice days I try to take Jack out for a little exercise, those horses are so dang lazy it's unbelievable! I guess the grey weather affects everyone. Ah, sunshine, come baaack!

I don't think I blogged about this but a couple months ago we almost lost Jack to an impaction colic that lasted three days... The vet had to come on emergency calls three times in two days, he suffered tremendously through all sorts of complications and I truly thought he was going to die, it was horrible. However this boy has a very strong will to live, he's a fighter, we stayed by his side until he got better and the incident brought us closer together -

I love my old sweet boy :-)

In April, this big old sweet girl named Gazelle is coming to spend the summer at our place, my friend would like to give her to us as they have too many horses... If all goes well with the other horses and if we can afford to feed an extra mouth next winter then she will stay - this girl needs some TLC (she has heaves) and I think she would be very happy here! She's over 20 years old and was pulled from a feed lot auction by my friend's daughter so not much history on her, however she is apparently very sweet, quiet, gentle and independant - so we'll see.

Counting down the days!

And that, my friends, is about it for now...

Wishing you all a great start to this new calendar year - be kind to yourselves!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

necessities for growth

Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and wisdom.
~Phyllis Theroux, Night Lights