I wasn't going to blog about it but it's bugging me, so here goes:
My dad is being a stubborn, hurtful ass.
I thought I was being picked on but just found out very recently that he's been mean and hurtful towards my brother (at least one, maybe both), towards his wife - my stepmom - and towards everyone who visits their house.
It's gotten so bad, my stepmom wrote to me in desperation, she is thinking of leaving him after 17 years together. She's at her wit's end.
Thing is, we all think he's severely depressed and/or has a medical issue he refuses to tell anyone about. The years of self-medicating with booze and drugs has got to stop, he's killing himself: he now weighs less than 150 lbs, his OCD is getting horrid and he's lashing out at everyone who gives a crap and is thus alienating himself into a corner draped with self-pity.
Now, I know you can't help someone who won't help himself, that's obvious. But how can we help? A family intervention would end up with someone getting smacked in the head, he refuses to go talk to anyone and everything is just fine... it's never his fault, eh?
I personally think he's been in a midlife crisis the past decade.
He was forced into early retirement (they call it "bridged" so he could get his pension) but even before that he resented his job. He won't even do menial jobs or volunteer anymore because it interferes with his pot and his beer, he rarely leaves his house in the boonies, forget any social activities with his wife - what kind of life is that?
His last email to me over two months ago was so shitty, I still haven't written back - I have nothing to say and no heart to say it with. Now he thinks I'm pissed at him, but I'm not - I just feel so damn helpless.
I don't want to lose my father. He's only 58 years old and already a ghost of himself, sometimes a Sean Of The Dead character really.
What the hell should I do? Is there anything I can do?
/end of A Daughter's Dilemma post/
14 comments:
I don't know what you should do.
If it was me, I'd respond to that email. I'd tell him everything I felt as honestly and calmly as I could possibly tell him, making sure to check my spite and childhood bags at the door before doing so. I'd be as clear as possible, leaving as little room for alternate interpretations as possible while staying away from things I'd know he'd get stuck on (criticisms, etc).
Sometimes dads do better in written stuff than they do in verbal stuff.
That's just what I'd do.
(hugs)
a) I love your new layout
b) I'm sorry I've been so MIA lately.
c) I suggest getting advice from a professional rehab center, maybe speak with a counselor there about what could be done for him as far as an intervention goes.
I can relate to this whole situation more than I'd like to.. but unlike you - I've just given up on my father and walked away.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone, though. My dad's 55 and.. well.. whatever. Not the point.
I just hope that your family, together, can help him see that he needs help. But again, a professional may be the route to go. Not sure if Canada has interventionists that can help -- but if they do I highly recommend that.
Tell him how you feel. You have a wonderful way of articulating yourself when you need to get a point across. I said this earlier in another comment, but it applies here also, truth comes from the heart. I think you already know that though. But the least you could do is put it out there in a non-aggressive, but heartfelt way.......You don't have much to lose, especially if you aren't talking to one another right now anyway.
If anything, maybe your heart will feel lighter.
{{HUGS from me too}}
This sounds like you need an action plan from someone who deals with such issues professionally. Someone suggested a rehab center and maybe something like Al Anon or something.
I'm so sorry.
ugh, no fun!
write to him, like others have said, you have nothing to lose.
at 58, it's hard to change.
some do, some don't until they hit rock bottom and some unfortunately, never!
and TD, this type of abuse is common with this age group. very depressing.
hugs from me too.
I was going to say "intervention" until I read further and found out what you thought would occur if you held one. Perhaps digging a bit to find out the one thing in life he always wanted to do or experience and get his creative juices flowing to experience it charging his interest right out of depression. I know OCD and I know depression...its a dark hole where you hurt everyone who crawls in to check on you.
I do hope you find some solution or I would still do intervention or a respite weekend of family bonding under clinical care....
Ok so understanding that I've been thru this twice before and am a really big hard ass even with people I love when substance abuse is present:
Intervention. Don't care if someone gets smacked in the head. He obviously needs to have you guys (including the wife) indicate to him that you've pretty much had it with his poop and aren't going to take it any longer. Even if that means never contacting him again, and his wife walking out on him. Meaning you all need to come up with a plan. Meaning that as others have suggested you should speak to someone specializing in this sort of thing. When booze is involved it's a bit easier, Al Anon is readily available and I have all that information if you need.
Tough love. I understand mental issues, they run in my family, my mother's had her issues resulting in problems with me...but sadly sometimes hitting rock bottom in relation to family members as well as the rest of what is going on in your life can help...
And Al Anon would help all of you not to be co dependent and understand what's going on.
that's my take. In my case it was cocaine and crack though. Same difference.
Just be there and love him.That's it. Be there when other people leave him. Who knows? One day he may come to his senses. Be there in case that happens
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your warm, caring, supportive and constructive thoughts.
Feeling shakey on this issue so any neutral opinions and suggestions are very welcomed right now.
Am waiting to make contact with my stepmom to get a more complete picture of what is happening, and then I will suggest a family talk on what to do... obviously *something* needs to be done, this can't go on.
Will keep you posted on what happens...
I don't know what I would do at all. I can relate though, but don't want to get into that ((hugs))
Do you think writing him and being open and honest in an email would get through? It may be a way of getting to him on his terms without the issue of a face to face humiliation.
Also, I do think you should let him know that you can be there for him. Don't make him feel anymore isolated and alone than he probably already makes himself feel. I know that is hard on you, but trust me, it may be just what he needs.
I do hope things gets better for all of you guys soon ((hugs))
More hugs. (hugs)
If, at work you have access to professional counseling, please do use it. I did use ours for dealing with one employee, and they are sharp. Do not feel bad using them, the better informed you are the better you can help your father and family.
Thanks again, everyone... and the employee counseling is a very good idea, I had not thought of that. Yes we have that service.
I will start by sending my dad a short note today, neutral but loving.
Pinged my stepmom a 2nd time to try and arrange a phonecall, still no response. I hope she's OK.
Hello Beautiful,
So sorry to hear things have gone sour. The worst thing you can do is to let your fear isolate you and him.
Here's an idea. Perhaps you can make it a point to just send him a short note once a week. Don't expect a reply, just keep the lines open. He's a good man and the nasty stuff that comes out of his mouth he never means anyway.
He probably already feels judged and unworthy.
All the best gorgeous one.
xxx
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