Just finished purging bin #2, took me two days... I thought it would be easy to dump all the stuff from my ex-husband but you know what?
The more I plowed through those 7 1/2 years of memories (and trust me there was a crapload of letters, cards, mementos, etc) the more I became aware of how much of a shitty person I used to be in my early 20's.
Selfish, self-centered, spoiled, fickle and a just using the world for my own purposes.
Not to kick a dead horse but my god, I remembered he had treated me like gold and in return I gave him mostly heartache but I had forgotten just how badly it all went down.
How often he took me back after I cheated on him. How he supported me financially for all those years, and then some. How I sat on my lazy ass and just enjoyed all the attention, thinking I deserved it because of my crappy childhood. How he really loved me and I took it for granted.
Sigh.
I do chalk it down to a major life experience, to growing up and learning important lessons. Too bad it took me another decade to finally wake up and realise who I am, what I am worth and why I'm here on this planet.
My hands are shaking right now, I'm mentally exhausted and wrung out and I have a huge lump of sadness lodged in my throat. I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing by eliminating my past like this - nothing has been burnt yet, it's all still in one giant bag ready for cremation. I'm so afraid of regrets, that is the problem... but I know that I *need* to do this and I'll feel cleansed after it's all done.
Still, I want to tell my past and all the people in it a few things:
I am so sorry.
I am sorry I hurt you like that.
I am sorry I didn't know who I was, and acted so lost.
I am sorry for the disillusions, the lies, the mistakes.
I am sorry you paid for it with heartache.
If it's any consolation, I truly loved you all and you are all part of me forever. I'm not all grown up now, I don't know if I will ever be, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have.
And just so you know: Mama Karma, she gave me back all the crap I dished out in my life so I've learned my lesson - in return I've been hurt, I've been lied to, I've been cheated on, my heart got broken in a million pieces. But you know what? I'm all better now, balance has been restored and my universe has finally righted itself.
I am at peace, I am whole, I am alive.
I am grateful.
/end of I Am Only Human post/
15 comments:
Many people go through their lives never self-reflecting, oblivious to how they are. You should feel good about the fact that no matter how you were before, you're a better person now because only a better person can admit they were wrong and apologize for it.
I've been there too. You have hit the nail right on the head.
Now go forward and enjoy the trip from here .
x
Oh, TD. Don't be too hard on yourself. We have all been there. I purged all my stuff...wedding pictures, cards, etc. It felt good in the end. But I am not a believer in hgolding on to things. Keeps the negative energy around.
I forgive you for cheating on me with Vegas.
It's so hard though, going through it all with a completely different perspective. The way I look at it now is if I ever have kids, would I want to share this stuff with them? If not, maybe write about it in detail, and lose the baggage. *shrug*
You're not there, you can't change that.
You are here. ☼
That must have been tough. It sucks that sometimes good people get caught up in our personal crap. It was probably good you went through all that old stuff and old feelings and then apologized. Now you can move on, move forward. We all are a little selfish from time to time but at least you realized it.
(hugs)
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Purging is difficult. But don't be too hard on yourself. The fact that you are looking back and now know that you are a better person should make it a little easier in the end. **hugs**
Don't look back.
Be nice to you.
You deserve it.
Enjoy now.
That was really beautiful, and brave. We all make mistakes, it is the mark of high character to be able to see where they fit into our lives, learn from them, and take responsibility for them. Kudos to you for your honesty. You are awesome!
we all have regrets, we all make mistakes. If you learned from it, then it was a mistake worth making.Dont be too hard on yourself, we all do things like that in our youth.
How deep and honest! Like you said, no need to judge yourself on how you were. What matters most is that now you see those times with different eyes, and you know the difference. That is a huge step forward! I am sure you will be just fine! :)
I think it's a really good idea that you're going through this now and getting rid of old stuff. some baggage is not worth carrying.
(hugs)
I know it's heartwrenching to see everything in one place like that.
On the plus side, if you can see it all with new perspective it means that you've grown and evolved. So many people wouldn't be able to say that. And I always figure that what a person has gone through to get where they are is what makes them who they are now. Without that part of you, you might not be able to appreciate what you have now.
My two cents on the purge? Don't keep anything that doesn't make you smile or bring tears of joy to your eyes. Get rid of everything else and let it go completely. It's no longer of any import in your life.
You have all been just so incredibly wonderful in your support and encouragement... your comments and thoughts are an enormous inspiration, so here is a collective (( hug ))!!
To be honest, it's a relief to know that "growing up" is a common thread that links many of us...
I wrote this the other nighgt when I was cracked open like a fresh egg and never thought so many of you would find it echoed with their own lives.
You've brought tears of happiness to my eyes, y'know.
*fetches a tissue and smiles*
Beautiful. Congratulations. Some of us have an easier time moving on, and some of us have a hard time letting go of the past. I'm of the latter group, so I can only imagine how difficult that whole exercise must have been.
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