I am not even going to try to speculate what is going on there. Let's just say "it's a bit whacked" and leave it at that...It's another beautiful day out although it's supposed to rain later - no surprise there, rain is predicted for the next 3 days at least. bleecchh. Still have housechores to go through, the car is in desperate need of a spring cleaning and later we have to take my friend's dog out to the park since he's not there all day. Hmm can't say I'm in a spectacular mood (thanks to PMS no doubt), but the mental loneliness is getting to me too... it's insidious like a gas leak, by the time you know you're fucked it's too late, the poison is there. I don't know how to change my life yet, only that I will have to, at some point - this can't go on. My mind is starving and I feel atrophied, my feet grounded ankle-deep in cement and I'm in the middle of the highway of life watching it zoom by.
I don't know what I'm afraid of, really... I have alot of support and love in my life. I guess I am afraid of ending up where I started, alone and stuck and broke, which is silly really - do people really go backwards in life? Sigh. It's too much to deal with right now... So funny. My mom knew all of this was going to happen even before I did, she's been dropping hints for a while now. It's like she has x-ray vision or something. I miss her :-(
Gotta go shake off this blue funk and start this day before the rain moves in - getting dressed would be a good start. I'll just keep myself super busy today, doing one mindless thing after another, and tomorrow will be another day and then we'll live through the next and then the next. As long as I don't let the floodgates open, as long as I keep myself together, I'll be OK.... right?
No comments:
Post a Comment