My head and neck. My girlie parts, thanks to that-time-of-the-month. And some bits of my heart. Don't ask me to explain because it's even obscure for me right now. I was just writing to my friend Ili that it makes no sense: have a fantastic network of loving friends and family, a great job, most of my health, a supportive and amazing bf, two wonderful furkids - what more could i possibly want? what. the. fuck.?
Ugghh. I can't endure myself sometimes, I wonder how others can. Like a wet noodle flapping in the wind, I am. Maybe I'll go buy myself something pretty after lunch to cheer myself up... yeah, that'll work. I feel better already. (not).
I hope you all give your opinion on the poll (scroll down a bit, it's on the right-side). That's been bugging me for a while now... why do people stay in loveless marriages, or relationships, "for the kids"? Right now, at least three of my very good friends are scratching their heads, trying to find a way out of the mess they dug themselves into. They're stuck, they're unhappy, no doubt their wives are unhappy too by the sounds of it. No passion, no sex, no common interests besides the kids. Fights. Silences. Accusations. Dark looks and tension.
That's one of the reasons I never wanted any kids, and I kiss the ground (mouah! mouah!) that I held onto that dream. I may not have a perfect situation but my god, I can leave whenever I want and not be strapped down by 3rd-party obligations and duties. I rent my appartment, I lease my car, I am not bound to anyone by marriage. I am a free bird, with big outstretched wings... ok so I have a little glue on my feet right now but so what... it'll melt away someday when the time comes. All it takes is a little warm sun.
Shine on, baby!
3 comments:
Sweetie, saying that marriage
is the problem with most relationships is like saying...
I dunno, that living in a home instead of a hotel room is an excuse for not cleaning up the mess. What? That didn't make sense.
Let me try again...
The problem with marriage isn't marriage. The problem with marriage is that most people want to be married and have perceived "stability" so badly that they're not willing to figure out who THEY are BEFORE they meet their "significant other" and enter into marriage.
Because you need to know who you are and what you want for YOURSELF... and be complete and whole unto yourself, BEFORE you can meet a truly compatible partner and have the kinds of discussions needed to arrive at a suitable agreement about what your expectations are regarding marriage... BEFORE you tie the not. Not after. Because after... well doesn't leave a lot of room for negotiating. Unless you're both incredibly mature and loving and patient and kind and giving and gentle, in which case... ANYTHING is possible. See? Simple really.
And then of course... life is so much more complicated than that obviously. People change, kids come along, the sexdrive... runs out of steam, yaddy yaddy yadda. All of which I always maintain... are a bunch of really good excuses when people don't want to admit that essentially... they probably didn't take the time to think it out properly in the first place.
None of this is going to make me terribly popular with the "alreadymarrieds" but so be it.
But I always have, and do and (hopefully) always will believe in marriage because... there's something truly sacred about making a promise in front of... well the Universe... that you will work with your partner through thick and through thin to make things work, even on days when you don't particularly "feel" like it. Like us gals during "that time of month" for instance, and them guys... well, when we're going through "that time of month" too, come to think of it (cuz you gotta admit, we are a big pain in the derriere when the hormones kick in, aren't we?)
Don't give up hope people. And if you're with someone... it's because you're meant to learn and grow together. It's all about outlook. As long as you're not considering killing one another, or yourselves for that matter... which is an entirely different story which I am not qualified to deal with and so... yeah. I'm outta here.
So there.
Peace out,
ili
Good answer Smiler (if I can call you that)... you have so many names I don't know which one to choose, but somehow Smiler seems to fit.
Now I'll try my take on it. I personally think that there are as many reasons why marriages go wrong as there are marriages out there. But if I stop at that, that would be pretty boring and gutless wouldn't it?
I think that I can only talk about my own experience, as I am surely 1 of at least 3 Technodoll refers to.
So why am I staying?
Because I'm probably complaining with my belly full (is that a saying in English? "Se plaindre le ventre plein" goes the saying in French). I think it's just bloody human nature to always strive for something more. You think you tasted the best Vindaloo or Shiraz, well wait till you taste it here and you taste this one. We're always yearning for more. For some it's power, others it's money, for some it's food and others it's sex. For a lot of us it's love. Even if you're neck deep in it, you want more. Mmm chocolate, I didn't mention chocolate... mmm...
We live longer. In human history, it is only recently that we die at such an old age, hence, it is a fairly recent experience that people stay together for such a long time. Imagine you marry at 25, stay with the same person and die at 85. You will have spent 60 years with the same person. That's probably twice as long as what humans were used to up until the 20th century. I do feel the urge to build another relationship with somebody new. Why? Because we have the time to do it now.
The kids. I simply cannot imagine myself not reading them their bedtime stories. I cannot imagine not seeing their smiles when we go play with them outside in the sun. I cannot imagine myself missing the first time my son says "sacrement" like his dad or missing cracking up the first time my little girl says f***... at 2 1/2 years old (what?... "f***" she says... who says that? "Rachel from the daycare" she says as I try not to laugh...) Technodoll, you seem to think that we're staying because we're scared of hurting them, well I'm staying because I can't live without them! They are not burdens. Just look at the smiles on the kids in your pictures Smiler. There are no words to describe the love in them and the love in you for them.
There still must be love somewhere. I mean we're not yelling at each other and we are not at each other's throats. Communication is difficult and sex is almost non-existant but there is still respect and yes, love. Mind you not passionate love, not hormone induced nirvana love but love, still. Maybe this is hibernation love... yeah, and spring will come and everything will blossom again! (Yeah yeah, I can hear all the "IIIIIIIIIIINK, wrong answer, but thank you for playing" out there).
Bottom line is I guess it's not so bad and there's still hope. For me. I can only speak for myself.
But ya Technodoll and Smiler, it's bloody hell to meet your soulmate after 2 kids and a 2 year marriage. Hell.
OK, that's enough thinking for meself. Neurons are firing awkwardly. I feel like saying something but I will not.
I'm also outta here.
Yoga everybody.
With friends like you guys... i am a very happy gal. "you get me"!! Smiler after what, 12 years now? And Boo... freaking 20 years. I should hope you know me. :-)) thanks for sharing your thoughts on this matter... it's one of the things that's been eating away at me for a long time now. just churning up old dirt, sifting through things. typical human nature, right?
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