Color me blue today

Rain... it's so many things. Poetic, cleansing, cold, necessary yet like tears, not so pleasant to get through... I'm so blue today. I know it's mostly hormonal, mixed with a great fatigue, sad wet weather and a strange emptiness inside that I just can't put into words. Perhaps I am just missing latte or some other drug.

My throat has been clogged with tears all day, started when this morning I actually crossed a big busy road on my way to work, to avoid this poor wretched soul on the sidewalk.. because i was too ashamed to pass him and not help. I don't know how to help - it was just too much. He was just standing there, alone, bent over like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Stooped over like an old man, dirty, long dark messy hair covering his face, his dirty hands clutching a few quarters. I don't know if he was drunk, stoned, or just very tired or sick. He was falling over, dropping his coins, all in slow motion... people passing by and ignoring him. Just like I did. I stood there on the other side of the road and watched him for a minute, half-blind by tears and a cold black heart beating in my hollow chest. When was the last time he enjoyed the simple luxurires that I take for granted every day? A hot shower? Clean clothes? A soft bed? Loving friends and family? Health?

I know life is not fair, and that's just the way it is... I can't be a bleeding heart and expect to have any energy left over for happiness. Still, today, it sucked - and it still does. I feel like a shit. I have so much yet... it's still never enough, it's still not what I really want. 'Course you'll ask "ok then, what DO you want?" - what will fill that void in your soul, make you feel complete and like you're actually doing something with your life?

Hah... if I could answer that... I wouldn't be here blogging about it with a lump in my throat, would I? Or maybe I do know, but I just don't want to go there. Not now. Everything is like a big spiderweb right now, all connected, all sticky but with big holes between the bridges. I don't know if I'm the spider, or the fly. Perhaps both?

Am asking the Universe for a big hug right now, please guide me through these difficult times.... I'm hoping tomorrow's Yoga class will help me sort out things - or maybe i just need a good, cleansing cry. Like the raindrops on my window right now.