You go through it over and over again, weighing your heart against your head, pitting devils against angels. You think of the consequences of doing it, and the consequences of not going through with it. You cry, you hurt, you curse to have been put in the situation of having to make such a decision.
Tomorrow, my little Sunshine will go to The Great Roost In The Sky.
He is very sick and has been getting worse the past few weeks. He's been afflicted with one thing or the other since I got him on November 17th and his health just cannot cope anymore. I need to grant him peace, and grant the rest of my flock protection from sickness.
Like they say... With great power comes great responsibility.
I chose to be responsible for these birds, to give them all the love in my heart, all the care in my power... but now I have to face "playing god", ie to end a life and THAT is what's hitting me hard in the chest. I think it would be easier to bear if my little Sunshine just fell asleep and never woke up... it would absolve me of the guilt that's eating me alive right now.
A friend is coming over tomorrow to take care of it, he says it will be quick and painless - growing up on a farm, he's had to do this frequently and is not bothered by it. He will do it in the garage to spare me the awefulness.
My heart is shattered, I am consumed with doubts and guilt, I feel like I've failed him :(
I have to remember that the three others that came from the same filthy "chicken mill" operation are doing fine, they were strong enough to recuperate from the various treatments - I just wish it would have been the same for Sunshine.
I curse that m*therf*cking asshole who did this to those poor babies.
Nobody ever said that raising and loving chickens would be this hard, it's ridiculous. I seriously need to harden up or I will lose a lot of sleep at night.
My sweet Sunshine, I hope you know how much mama loves you.Fuck this is hard :(
8 comments:
Oh my friend it has been a rough couple of weeks. Soounds like you are doing the right thing~hugs.
MM
Oh. No one will euthanize a chicken? We do birds at the SPCA all the time, a shot to the tummy, takes a bit longer, but....this alternative sounds rough.
Hugs. I know how it is to play god. Other than most of my rodents, none of my pets have had the grace to pass in a non-traumatic fashion (2 cats dropping dead is NOT non-traumatic) - I mean in their sleep.
It's always hard, but I find their eyes tell you. Been the executioner more times then I'd like to discuss.
You know you are doing the right thing for him...he will get another shot at a healthy life if Karma is working well. It is the hardest choice to make...but it has to be done.
Hugs to you...I am so sorry you are starting your year like this. It will be better soon.
xoxox
Suz
I am sorry you are having to go through this. I know saying "this is for the best" won't help a bit, so I will just say that I really know what you are feeling. Those feathered friends really do capture our hearts so fast. Over the years I have lost several and was at a point this time last year that I was ready to give up. Things do and will get better. We just have to make it through the hard times because, sooner then you think, it will get better.
He did have the best life he could possibly have had the opportunity to live though.
He was a lucky guy. Most people don't have heated bathroom floors, and this chicken got his feet warmed by one because his mommy loved him that much. :)
Oh TD, so sorry. Not the way you wanted to start a new year, but I know you are doing what is best. Hang in there.
I am so sorry TD. Hugs to you. he could not have had a better mommy. At least his last few months were with you and not the god awful place you got him from xoxoxox
I am so sorry. I had to make this decision twice last year with my beloved cats. They were suffering. It was kinder.
It still hurts.
But it is the right decision.
I'm sending hugs and love (even though I'm reading this late).
*hugs*
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