Argh. I messed up again.
By being me.
Tomorrow's birthday celebration got complicated, the whole family is making a big effort to clear their busy schedules to drive all the way here for a fondue dinner because they care, because they love me.
And I freaked out.
My poor mom worked so hard to organize everything and I just had a meltdown, I just can't handle it. Too much chaos, too much stress, I panicked. I felt suffocated and pushed into a corner. I'm not ready, I'm not prepared, it's not how I envisioned things - GAAAH!
So I hurt her feelings, it's understandable. In her words, it appears I'm just like my father... Rigid, set in my ways, remote and unyielding. Incapable of letting people in my world, unwilling to take a detour once my path is set.
I guess I'm absolved then, since it's not my fault - it's my DNA?
She wasn't being mean, just connecting the dots. She works too much, she's tired and has a huge weekend ahead of her, she didn't need this. I've given her grief pretty much all my life... and yet she's surprised that I haven't changed. And now I feel like utter garbage.
I'm having enough of a hard time turning 40 (don't ask, it's just a personal nightmare), I didn't need this.
We're still having the dinner tomorrow night, only we'll be meeting up at my brother's house instead. And it's a huge relief. I was not comfortable having him and his very pregnant (34 weeks) wife and 2 year old son do a 3-hour round trip in the dark between work shifts just for a dinner here.
Yet, I'm the cold one.
That must explain the giant rock lodged in my chest instead of a heart.
(comments off)
