Wednesday, December 29, 2010

When all the bits just never add up to a whole

I woke up with a throat full of razor blades this morning, after a mostly sleepless night.

The dreaded cold - I thought I had escaped it but I guess the flu bugs kissed everybody on Christmas day. My system's fighting it with everything it's got, which has left me in a blue funk today. I'm angry at myself for being such a failure at stuff and mad at the world for the cold snow and computer problems.

Silly shit like that.

I admire and envy people who have their act together.

The ones who are actually good, very good at things - be it one thing or many, they've just got "it", that X factor. They know what they're good at and work to get better at it and just shine.

Me? I'm not good at anything and just manage to scrape by collecting splinters under my fingernails.

Things I feel I stink at?

Being a good friend who remembers birthdays, sends Christmas cards, stays in touch and makes an effort to meet for outings once in a while.

Being a good cook - I can make some OK things but our menus are stuck in a rut, I've never been able to make bread from scratch or cook a slab of meat in the oven and my pie crusts suck ass, no matter how many times I try.

I'm surrounded by lawns that I mow crookedly, gardens that only grow weeds under my brown thumbs, the floors in the house are filthy and I've only painted one room in the year and a half we've been here. The walls and windows are still bare and I can't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Our mattresses are still on the floor because we haven't gotten a bed yet.

We live in a dorm.

Besides all the chickens I've lost so far to illnesses and injuries, I still have two dying boys on my hands and everyday that I hold them and kiss them I am filled with despair, there is nothing I can do to save them. Watching them get weaker with each passing day just breaks my heart and I'm too spineless to put an end to their suffering. I hate myself for being so weak.

How do people with cancer ever cope?

I love photography yet trying to know how my cameras work is like sitting in a chemistry class conducted in Chinese. Ditto for photo editing software. I feel stuck and stupid.

Today I picked up my paint brushes for the first time in a decade and discovered that I can't even create abstract art that doesn't suck. I erased the canvas twice and felt like chucking the whole thing in the trash. My easel stands in a corner of the dining room, mocking me with its spindly legs - loser! loser! it sings.

I have a zit on my chin, a big soft belly and my hair is frizzy.

Is this what depression feels like?

I think I'll knock myself out with cold medicine tonight because frankly, this sucks. This isn't me. I am not a victim nor a quitter. I'll kick this thing in the teeth, whatever it is. I want my inner sun to shine again, I need to feel like I'm worth something besides poop shoveler and dog walker.

Stupid S.A.D.

/end of Darkness Falls post/


Adventures In China said...

S.A.D sucks, I agree!

I think you are awesome and even though you think you are mediocre, just look at the sheer number of things you think you are mediocre at. That is awesome! For the record, I think you are super super super short-selling yourself!

You are socially normal and beautiful inside and out and warm and caring.

Would you rather be a genius but weird and cold and annoying? I'm sure we both know people like that!

You are awesome, girlie. Feel better soon!

prin said...


Just the flu funk. I get that when I'm sick and it really freaks me out because I start to wonder why I even bother surviving. But hearing you say it makes me realize how absurd it is. You're not a failure. You're magical. :)

And all them folks who have everything figured out just aren't paying attention. They're the ones who have the midlife mistress and convertible because somewhere along the way, they stopped wondering things and just got carried to somewhere they didn't really want to be just by walking through the easy open doors.

We're better than that. ;)

Anke said...

I think not feeling well and the after Christmas blues has got you down. YOU. DO. NOT. SUCK!!! I don't even know you personally, but from everything I read on your blog, you are a wonderful, funny and caring person. Don't be so hard on yourself!!!

Busy Bee Suz said...

Take the cold meds...sleep the night away and feel better.
You are so good at so many things it hurts me. Chickens. Carpentry. critter care. photography. Cooking stuff I never think to make. being tall.
I am sure Vegas could add to the list....
Feel better soon, we all have days like this.
i am having one too, but today it is all about YOU. :)

myself said...

Ok I am the funk queen so don't listen to me LOL

However, in terms of camera & software, this I know!

Camera? There are things I have no idea how to do and when I learn or someone makes a suggestion I'm all "wooohoo cool". It's a learning process, listen to other photogs, ask questions, your photos look fab, don't get down.

Editing software. What are you using? If it's Photoshop, get a book, my friend recommended one to me (specific author) and it made my life so easy. As well there are a tonne of online tutorials.

I use Lightroom. And let me tell you how much easier it is to use! If you want it let me know ;) I can even show you a few things on it if you want.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) So sorry you feel this way. I do not see you this way at all. I admire all that you do. It is very common for people to be blue after Christmas. I pray that these feelings will pass quickly.