I woke up with a throat full of razor blades this morning, after a mostly sleepless night.
The dreaded cold - I thought I had escaped it but I guess the flu bugs kissed everybody on Christmas day. My system's fighting it with everything it's got, which has left me in a blue funk today. I'm angry at myself for being such a failure at stuff and mad at the world for the cold snow and computer problems.
Silly shit like that.
I admire and envy people who have their act together.
The ones who are actually good, very good at things - be it one thing or many, they've just got "it", that X factor. They know what they're good at and work to get better at it and just shine.
Me? I'm not good at anything and just manage to scrape by collecting splinters under my fingernails.
Things I feel I stink at?
Being a good friend who remembers birthdays, sends Christmas cards, stays in touch and makes an effort to meet for outings once in a while.
Being a good cook - I can make some OK things but our menus are stuck in a rut, I've never been able to make bread from scratch or cook a slab of meat in the oven and my pie crusts suck ass, no matter how many times I try.
I'm surrounded by lawns that I mow crookedly, gardens that only grow weeds under my brown thumbs, the floors in the house are filthy and I've only painted one room in the year and a half we've been here. The walls and windows are still bare and I can't seem to care enough to do anything about it. Our mattresses are still on the floor because we haven't gotten a bed yet.
We live in a dorm.
Besides all the chickens I've lost so far to illnesses and injuries, I still have two dying boys on my hands and everyday that I hold them and kiss them I am filled with despair, there is nothing I can do to save them. Watching them get weaker with each passing day just breaks my heart and I'm too spineless to put an end to their suffering. I hate myself for being so weak.
How do people with cancer ever cope?
I love photography yet trying to know how my cameras work is like sitting in a chemistry class conducted in Chinese. Ditto for photo editing software. I feel stuck and stupid.
Today I picked up my paint brushes for the first time in a decade and discovered that I can't even create abstract art that doesn't suck. I erased the canvas twice and felt like chucking the whole thing in the trash. My easel stands in a corner of the dining room, mocking me with its spindly legs - loser! loser! it sings.
I have a zit on my chin, a big soft belly and my hair is frizzy.
Is this what depression feels like?
I think I'll knock myself out with cold medicine tonight because frankly, this sucks. This isn't me. I am not a victim nor a quitter. I'll kick this thing in the teeth, whatever it is. I want my inner sun to shine again, I need to feel like I'm worth something besides poop shoveler and dog walker.
/end of Darkness Falls post/