(Every year I love reading this skit - I don't know who wrote it but I'm pretty sure millions of us thank him/her for expressing our feelings so well! Enjoy!)
DECEMBER 4 - 5:00 It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.
DECEMBER 9 - We woke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, the driver smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.
DECEMBER 13 - The sun melted most of our snow. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll get more before this lovely winter is through.
DECEMBER 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about zero. I shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly, the snowplow came by and did his trick again.
DECEMBER 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer, so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for the pickup.
DECEMBER 18 - Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. $139.00 to the Chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God. The damned sky is getting dark again.
DECEMBER 19 - Still cold, icy roads, making driving very tough. Slid into a guard rail with my wife’s car. Probably $2,000 damage or so. She’s really pissed off.
December 20 - Had another 11 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The goddamn snowplow came by twice.
DECEMBER 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas, because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this freezing weather, it won’t melt until August. I got dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again (boots, jumpsuuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) then I got the urge to pee.
DECEMBER 24 - If I ever catch that son of a bitch that drives the snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street 100 miles and hour and throws that white shit everywhere.
DECEMBER 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS!! They predict 12 more inches of this fucking white shit tonight. Does anyone know how many goddamn shovelfuls of snow 12 inches are?? The hell with Santa, he doesn’t have to shovel this crap! The snowplow came by asking for a donation. I hit him with my ice pick. The doctors think he’ll live.
DECEMBER 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snow blind or have a severe case of depression, becasue my wife is beginning to look good to me.
DECEMBER 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go outside don’t eat the brown snow.
DECEMBER 30 - I torched the fucking house and moved to Florida!