Some of his famous oh-so-funny quotes - if you're sensitive to foul language you might want to skip this blog post. RIP, Conductor.
[about businessmen] They don't even trust each other. They don't trust one another. When a businessman sits down to "negotiate a deal", the first he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete, lying prick who's trying to fuck him out of his money. So he's got to do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder.
Whoever coined the phrase "let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Angels, shit. What about goblins? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? We never hear from them, except on halloween, and it's always negative shit too, you know. And zombies! Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I think if you're going to buy the angels shit, you might go for the zombie package as well.
I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bull shit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".
White people have no business playing the blues ever, at all, under any circumstances. Ever, ever, ever. What the fuck to white people have to be blue about?
"Banana Republic ran out of khakis"?
"The espresso machine is jammed"?
"Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?"
White people ought to understand it's their job to *give* people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. I'll give you a little tip about the blues, folks: it's not enough to know which notes to play. You need to know why they need to be played.
This is my idea for one of those big, outdoor summer festivals. This is called Slug Fest. This is for men only. Here's what you do. You get about a hundred thousand of these fucking men. You know the ones I mean. These macho motherfuckers. These strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha male jackoffs. The muscle assholes. You take about a hundred thousand of these disgusting pricks, and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big twenty-five acre dirt arena. And you just let them beat the shit out of each other for twenty-four hours non-stop. No food, no water, just whiskey and PCP. And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other until only one guy is left standing, then you take that guy and you put him on a pedestal and you shoot him in the fucking head.
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time... But he *loves you*.