Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Night engulfs me

"Channels are blocked in the mind, from the day. Lie down in blackness of night, forgotten remnants rush to the mind, or creeping slowly appear in the dreams."
~Nathaniel LeTonnerre, translated

What's a girl to do, eh?

The one good thing my loser-of-a-russian-ex taught me was how to enjoy the "peace pipe" - I rarely smoke up but tonight? Fuck that!

Being barely conscious after the speedwalk home from work, Dave Seaman playing loud enough to blast holes through my eardrums, stomach a tight knot of burning pain and my hands wet and shaking, I don't even remember reaching for the green medicine, only remember that the first couple of puffs were not satisfying so the 3rd one I inhaled like crazy and ohgod, what a cloud! Wheee!

What I didn't know was that driving stoned is pretty damn funny. And hard.

My friend kept looking at me funny as we were shopping for groceries, I think I was coherent most of the time but at the cash I must have been speaking to myself cuz he and the cashier both stopped, stared and went "what did you say? are you ok?" *giggles* Must have been the bananas I was handling.

Then of course the munchies hit so we stopped for überjunkfood (hotdogs! fries! coke!), yadi yadi and now here I am, patiently waiting for Vegassss to get his aaassss home and online dammit, I miss him! Text messages can only get you so far, LOL!

C'mon c'mon c'moooon already. Sigh. Tap. Tap. Tap.

I think I'm going to hit the vodka martinis now.

Inner voices

These two bitches are fighting it out, each taking a swing at the other in an endless game where nobody wins any rounds, only it's me left to deal with the bruises - figuratively speaking. I need to get them to shut the hell up and leave me alone, there is no room in my head for them anymore. Frankly, was there ever? I'm sick and tired of their drama and of what they do to me! ARGH!

Vegas has given me some tools for reprogramming my subconscious, at this point I fling my hands up in the air and say "I'll try anything!" - he deserves better than me right now, or rather the state that I am in.

I want purity. I want inner peace and clear blue skies. I want to be able to trust and to love with no reserves and without any doubts, fears or uncertainties. Dammit I deserve this... and I deserve him and this chance at happiness and a bright future. That, I know for a fact - and I refuse to listen to those voices anymore, I am NOT fucking this up!

So nerr. Deeeep breath. Everything is going to be OK.

Everything _is_ OK.

You! I'm talkin' to you!

"Life is like a game of cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will." ~Jawaharial Nehru

Very interesting...

I guess when random "anonymous" readers drop lumps of crap in my garden, the best thing to do is to turn the whole thing into fertilizer.

There is a thing called Karma, that instills the concept that you get what you give in life. Not at the molecular level, but rather at a higher, all -encompassing level. I was pondering earlier on if some people just attracted more love and luck in their lives than others by faith and hard work, or if they were just destined to "be" and no matter what they did, they would succeed.

IMO: life is work, it's hard work. Those who sit back and complain that no matter what they do, they're not lucky in life and in love? Fuck that. Being a victim and hanging onto others for the ride will lead you straight back to nowhere. But the minute you take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness? Bingo - the road opens up and suddenly, you're moving. Things change, you take on a glowing strength, you change and people start noticing how lovely you are - not how lovely the person you're with is.

My dad used to say: "Practice does NOT make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." So many people cannot differentiate the two, and wonder why they never get anywhere in life. Remember that it's ok to sometimes have dark moments, there is no growth without pain... But the only way people can step on you is if you're lying down. Get UP. Get moving. Let go of the past - you cannot capture the wind, it will only caress your face if it WANTS to, and then it moves on.

Be the wind... be better than what you think you can be, and eventually you will BE that better person.

OK - peace, out.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I am the tide

"When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy. When action come from another section, the feeling disappears." ~Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Do you believe in love?

I think the issue is split between the believers (yes love/soulmates exist and I have personal experience with this, or I hope to someday) and the naysayers: no true love does not exist, I don't believe in it or that it will ever happen to me.

I count myself lucky to always have believed in love, in kindred spirits and in soulmates - and that a greater force out there exists that puts people in each other's lives for a reason. I should have been a cynic, considering all the crap I went through... ironically, love and infatuation with the opposite sex were my driving forces and provided the escape I needed to survive. I guess you could say love saved me from drowning in the sea of banality that seems to swallow alot of people in this world.

But... Do we make our own luck in this life? Are some of us destined for great things that others only dream about? I don't know. Right now life is becoming more and more incredible as the days and weeks roll forwards - occasional dark moments notwithstanding - and I keep thanking Fate for all its blessings, but am I really thanking the right entity?

Yes. Definitely.

"Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower." ~Hans Christian Anderson

End-of-workday giggle

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink and were watching the six o'clock news on television. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped. The blonde gave the redhead $50.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

All blogged out

I'm trying to make amends for blogging so much the past few days and rather focussing on work and "real life" a bit more instead... Feeling better and stronger now, a bit more positive each day, yay me!

!!Good news!!

Vegas is coming to visit me again in 4 weeks, woooo! 10 weeks were just not realistic so fuckit. This spaces things out more and makes life more bearable, LDR's suck enough as it is - so yeah. It's funny how everyone at work is cheering for us, it kinda feels incestuous in a way to be honest. But whatever. You don't choose love, it chooses you.

One more hour of work left. Hot orange pekoe tea to the rescue, please!

Sisterhood, unite!

"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." ~Roseanne Barr

Monday, October 29, 2007

Ode to courage

"Spirit can walk, spirit can swim, spirit can climb, spirit can crawl. There is no terrain you cannot overcome." ~Irisa Hail

It's just stress, stupid!

It makes sense. My body is falling apart after being kept held together by spit and scotch tape the past 5 months - the psyche can only take so much and then BAM! You're flat on your ass. The mental distress, aches and crying spells is just stress trying to find a way out, so that the healing process can finally begin for good.

I always thought I was above such things, strong enough to keep control and channel energy into manageable bites. Hah! I guess not.

It makes sense that today's tarot card reads:

The Hanged Man - This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.

A huge thanks to all my friends (and specially to Vegas) who are being patient and loving guiding lights during this difficult time of my life. I know it won't last forever and that better days are just around the corner. *huge hugs*

Sunday, October 28, 2007

One picture, a thousand words

"A sensible man will remember that the eyes may be confused in two ways - by a change from light to darkness or from darkness to light; and he will recognize that the same thing happens to the soul." ~Plato

Inventory taken

It's amazing what a simple song can bring out. Driving to the field, VNV Nation's "Homeward" came on and suddently hot tears spilled down my cheeks without any warning. The words just hit home:

The hallowed lands so far behind
As fleeting dreams still linger
Like distant voices through the rain
Like grains of sand cast from my hands

I never thought I'd go this far
Without a star to cross the seas
So far from shores I'd left behind
Still far from shores I've yet to reach

I try to find the strength I need
To calm the doubts in my beliefs
With the will, I know my heart won't break

And if I have strength then I've belief
If I have love my heart still beats
Here under stars
Far from home

The picture fades, the light recedes
The sound is lost in whispers
My recollections once clear and pure
Now distant lights that dim with time

I'm going through another driftwood stage. I feel lost. I know I need to cast my anchor but the strength just escapes me at the moment, as my energy is consumed with trying to find a reason for my place on this earth. Sleep, eat, drink, produce waste. Earn money, spend money. Clean things, make other things dirty. Push paper, listen to music, tap on the keyboard. Walk here, drive there, talk, sleep some more. Shower, watch TV, show up at work. Be a mom, a daughter, a friend and a lover.

If I'm so important, why do I feel like a meteor fading in the night sky? What will be left of me when I die except a few photographs? It's like that joke "Mommy mommy! I'm tired of running around in circles!" "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot down!" Vegas summed it up the other day: Just like a circle, it has no point. And right now, that's about how I feel about my life. The sun is setting and I'm asking myself why I need to get up tomorrow morning.

Oh right, yeah. The dogs need me.

Taking inventory

"We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies." ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive

It's all about the dogs

Really, I love them dearly and wouldn't give them up for the world. But on days like this I'd like a break, just a day off once in a while you know?

Drove them to the mountain this morning so they could have some new scenery to run in and a break from the routine. Drove back home, spent a while making their food for the day and tomorrow morning, then washed up the mess, fed them, freshened their water and cleaned up again. Ran a few errands, ate a bite and then spent another 45 minutes grooming them (foot fur trim, nail clipping, whisker clipping, ear cleaning, tooth brushing, coat brushing). And then the mess had to be vaccuumed up and dusted off the furniture.

Now they're out on the balcony, staring inside and waiting to be brought out again to the field for their evening run. And of course later again comes dinner and washing up.

How single parents survive with skinkids, I have no idea.

I guess if my back wasn't giving me such grief I could be enjoying all this exercise instead of complaining. I dunno. Am just not ready for another Monday just around the bend, maybe that's why I feel so disconnected with the world and still "meh". I'm trying the positive mantras, trying to change my attitude towards Life and appreciate all the good things surrounding me (and trust me, it's a LOT!) but my heart's just not in it.

What can I say, I'm a not a good faker.

Patience is a virtue I just don't have much of. And then I get what I want, and miss what I still don't have. Maybe I just need chocolate therapy (right, Prin?) *goes off to hunt down chocklit*

Mmm. Tasty, fattening, I don't give a damn, I need something to replace sex and tenderness. I miss being cuddled, I miss being held, I miss having someone here to rub my shoulders when I feel like crap. The transition to living alone isn't all that bad, I mean I quite like having my own space and doing what I want, when and how I want it. But you always have to give something up to get something else, and right now I'm just not sure what I want the most. Crap. I thought I was done with the damn crying. Fucking hopeless!

At least I have the kids to pull me out of the funk, they deserve to go romping while it's still light outside. Focus on being a mom, TD, and everything will be all right. Everything.

The power of imagery

"Women speak two languages - one of which is verbal."
~William Shakespeare

What a gorgeous crisp, blue-skied autumn day... slept pretty well and my hip is 50% better, still limping but at least I can get around now. Took the kids for a romp in the woods, the fallen leaves smell wonderful and the air is sooo clean... it's magical! So yeah, my mood has improved despite the calendar laughing in my face "still two months 'till you can see Vegas again, nyah nyah" - oh shaddap already. Webcam dates are an OK substitute, we're lucky to have this technology at all. Mind you, sometimes it just exasperates the whole situation... *goes to climb the walls*

Today is for dog grooming, cooking chili and running errands, all in a relaxed pace - must take it easy or risk fucking things up for the week. Yeah. Sloooow and eeeasy does it. Meow!

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Wanna play, big boy?

"You're booty-blinded. You know what that is? It's like being snow-blinded only it ain't no snow, it's a cute little piece of ass." ~From the movie I Spy

*giggle*

I speaketh in code! mouaha ha ha! *evil* N is coming over for tea and scrabble, it's absolutely miserable outside today with nonstop pouring rain... the wet dogs stink, but laundry's underway and I got food for the week, the vet appt got done and I have a [virtual] date with Vegas in a few hours - so life is good despite screaming muscles. Gawd. I am so gonna drown the pain in vodka martinis and pills later tonight before crashing early to bed - mmm clean sheets, what's there not to love?

I did it! (and the pickle)

12 hours in bed. Yep, I did it! Sleep was long to come and pretty sporadic and tossy-turny (which is fucking hard when your hip muscles are screaming in pain) but this morning I feel much more like myself again, rested and quite patient with the world. So far.

The pickle? It's raining and I have to take the dogs out, they haven't had a bio break in over 16 hours and.... I can't walk. Seriously. I'm stoned on muscle relaxants and painkillers but I'm still hopping on one leg. To boot, the appartment is 3 flights of stairs up from street level - wtf am I going to do? At this point it's wince and bear it but what about later tonight? And no, there is no-one who can come help me either. It's just one of the joys of single motherhood, I guess. Sigh.

The melonhead also has a vet appointment in two hours to monitor his thyroid, he's a week overdue but I had NO time to take him this past week. I hope I make it in one piece.

OK coffee done, time to get out of these comfy jammies and face the challenges. Wish me luck!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Softness creeps in

Tonight was another huge piece of the armour falling off, thunk. I acted completely shitty towards the man I love, and he loved me back enough to set me straight and help me through it despite the darts thrown at his head. All week long I'd been heading towards disaster and tonight? Rock bottom. Crying was a release of sorts, but not as cleansing as it usually feels - the only thing left to do now is to sleep through this and let the pieces gel back together of their own accord.

Mantra: "Everything is all right. This happiness and love are deserved and they will be stronger than anything else that gets in the way." Repeat as needed. So far, I've eleven repetitions down and I feel loads better. Sigh. Love rocks.

Great.

Today's horror-scope:

Even if you end up back at the starting point, you feel as if you've been somewhere. You're pushing to get ahead, but you might become frustrated. Change will not happen as quickly as you would like. Redirect your negative energy toward a positive goal and you will achieve much more success.

And tarot:

The Star represents hope and optimism and the arrival of unexpected help. Now is the time to strive for goals that at one time seemed unattainable. Nothing is out of your reach now, so do not hold back. While the Star does not predict any immediate change, it does represent the limitless possibilities that life has to offer.

GHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reaching for the light

"Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light." ~Jean Giraudoux

Will this end, or what?

Why am I feeling so grey and blah all week? I know I need vast quantities of sleep to recuperate, but still - am not on PMS so why the lump in my throat, why the general flatness and intermittent nausea?

Just spoke to Vegas and I don't know if it made it worse or better, I just miss him so damn much - he's amazing for sticking around like that, seeing me through this hard crappy time without losing his courage. Am seriously starting to wonder if I'm going through mild depression or something. It's just not "me" to be like this. Smiling feels like work, I've no appetite nor feel like doing anything much except sleeping or surfing the web like a zombie, blogging about nothing and playing virtual scrabble.

Bleh, bleh, BLEH.

I'm out of here in two hours, I just can't focus on anything positive. Will push the paper that needs to be pushed, then head home to take care of the kids. Need to make a list of things to do this weekend or I'll do fuck-all and feel even worse later on.

Is it 7pm yet?

OK since humour is the best medecine... I'll end this silly post with one of my favorite jokes of all time. Enjoy.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

The cat's meow

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women." ~Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander

Limping gimpet

Is that a word? Oh well it's how I feel this morning - I need a new body. I probably sustain the Tylenol company pretty well, I should buy market shares.

Sunny and crisp outside, I love it.

What are you all doing this weekend? Nothing much planned here besides dog grooming, a brunch with N, catching up on housework, I'll probably cook up a pot of autumn soup and try to watch a movie or two. If the weather is nice on Sunday, the kids need a wild romp in the woods to work the kinks out (tomorrow is rain, I just checked). Such is the life of a single girl, or rather a taken girl whose Vegas lives across the sea. It ain't that bad, we have webcams, msm, the phone and all that - see, am doing a good job of trying to convince myself this doesn't suck. WhoopDeDoo!

I should go to work now. Chug chug chug.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

That was lovely, thank you

"There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them." ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

I'm so cold

I have no control over my appartment's heating, and that sucks. Like right now, I'd have it cranked up to fight this cold humidity (9C, ffs!). Been freezing in here the past 3 days -sigh. On the other hand when they start heating it's so hot, I have to open the windows to get some air... what a luxury!

So this calls for a hot bubble bath. Right now. Purrrr.

Sweet!

Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.

Done with the DBPP!

Or "death by powerpoint" x 3 days... it actually wasn't that bad, I'm lucky to work with a kickass team and the muffins kept enough sugar in my blood to keep me awake for the most part. Fucking glad it's over though.

Britney has a new CD out - does anybody care? No? Ok let's move on.

So it is normal to be happy and in love, but yet a part of your heart is still elsewhere in mourning? Even if that which you are grieving for wasn't viable in the long term and it needed to end, for life to continue on another path? That's where I am right now. Sandwiched and trying to keep my head in the clouds and feet on the ground, who knows what my middle part is doing. Yeah the one housing all vital organs.

Bleh. I'm exhausted, malnourished, under-exercised and need to shut the fuck up and just get my life back on track. Ranting does help though. Is that what blogs are for?

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Is this love?

"Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see." ~George W. Russell

Blessed sleepdom.

So knackered. I don't mind 10 hour nonstop days but today just sucked all my energy into a black vortex - was pooped to begin with and acted poopy most of the day, was a bitchy bint to a loved one (sigh) and the dogs got a fast-food kibble dinner, it's all I could manage. At least they got to spend a part of the day with their beloved sitter, they deserved some time off from their long boring weekday routine. I just feel so bad sometimes for not being able to do more for them, or with them. Will have to make an effort this weekend, even if the predicted rain drips on our heads again.

Read somewhere today:

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

*snicker*

I think I feel like crap cuz all I've eaten the past two days are tons of carbs and sugar, and I'm talking muffins, bagels, pizza, sandwiches, granola bars, loads of coffee... Tonight's dinner was an appletini and a bowl of cream of mushroom soup. Completely retarded. Gawd I feel out of control and it has to stoooooopppp!

This carby bint is shutting down. G'nite peeps.

I am an island

Feeling quite "meh" today... my fault for staying up so late, I'm running on empty. Tired of gray skies and the trees are shedding like allergic cats... heading into the month I always dread the most: November. Past warm colorful autumn but not yet into white winter. Bleh.

Missing Vegas like mad today, and he hasn't even been gone a week. Holy shit am I ever in a bad mood right now. Better I not blog lest this turn into a crapfest.

Sorry :-(

Too wired to sleep

The days are too short. I mean, the "free hours" of my days are too short. Mornings don't belong to me, nor do workdays and a good chunk of most evenings, so what's left is late-night surfing as the moon sails over my head and the morning hours loom closer and closer - yes I am a vampire. I'd offset my work hours to start a bit later and end later, but that means I'm home later and by the time I get back from taking the kids out, it's too late to chat with Vegas - damn time UK time zones. Kay. I really need to go count sheep now. Sigh.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Bathed in her light

"No sight is more provocative of awe than is the night sky." ~Llewelyn Powys

Merde, il pleut!

(shit, it's raining!) It's funnier in French, trust me. I almost titled this post "wet pussies" to get a kickback reaction but hey they're wet doggies so that would have been cheating.

Blustery autumn has finally come knocking, it's most gross and depressing in a way: got up this morning and gasp! it was still dark! Walked the kids in the rain, came home to walk them again in the rain. Tomorrow should be dry but the warm indian summer is definitely over... it was short and sweet. But I don't care... every day I lay my head down to sleep at night is a good one that was fully enjoyed, yet I'm happy it is over as that makes me that much closer to seeing my man again. Yey!

For this blog's purpose I shall dub him "Vegas". Not that he is a gamble in any way, more like he won my heart and I his in a crazy double jackpot. Plus Vegas is fun, it is light and laughs and mirrors and dressing up and dressing down, a beautiful veneer that can so easily be stripped down to the core in a flash, an oasis in the middle of the desert, what beauty is revealed is only for the eyes of the beholder... Vegas is not for the faint of heart. What can I say... we rock and we are a dream come true. We are *making* it come true - impossible to ignore Fate when it comes smashing down your door. 'ello.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Lust, live, life

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." ~Butch Hancock

How to put things in perspective

I thought my day was going badly with the headache, the sick dog this morning (again!), the time-sucking meetings and endless frustrating pile of work that just won't shrink, it's like damn haemmorhoids - when I got a call from my friend and dogsitter who had been strangely quiet the past few days.... because last Friday he suffered from a mild heart attack and spent the day at the hospital. And I had no idea. He's ok now but really rattled up... and so am I.

It put life back into perspective really fast.

Work settled down after that call. I cleaned off my desk and put some order into things, so the rest of the week won't be a nightmare. Walked home in a balmy 24C autumn day, the sun on my face and happy to be alive. Took the kids out for a run in the field, the big idiot ate a mouse *while* he was crapping and I was yelling at him to DROP IT - which he did, down his throat - and now he's been puking for 20 minutes on the balcony, what a fucking mess. Again another day without any dinner, I'm about to lose my mind. WTF is wrong with these damn dogs?! Raaaaaahhh!

On a less dramatic note, my workday fishtailed like this:

5:15pm, getting ready to leave. My semi-boss sticks his head in my office "hey can you do something for me really quick?" Red warning bells.

Me: "ok, but I need to leave soon, what do you need?"
SB: "a report showing so and so"
Me: "ah that's easy, just need to filter out some data of an existing report"
SB: "cool!"

At that point the batteries on my wireless mouse decided to die. I went to find new ones but the supply girl had gone home. OK, I tried to plug in my normal wired mouse, to no avail. Fuck. Figured out that by jiggering the batteries and switching the mouse off and on, I could get 15 seconds of power at a time. How fun. And I don't have a laptop so I *need* a mouse.

Managed to get the report done, slapped it into an email, pressed send and got:

"You have exceeded the storage limit in your mailbox. Please delete some items bla bla".

Are you fucking kidding me??? Jigger the mouse batteries, sweat cuz blood pressure is rising and the clock is ticking and I've got stinkbombs ready to go off at home, manage to empty my deleted items folder, click send and

"You have exceeded the storage limit in your mailbox. Please delete some items bla bla".

It's just soooo not funny when it happens to you. Sigh. After some deep breathing and thinking about heart attacks, I called SB over to my office and asked him to look at the data and pick what he needed, cuz I was outta there. At least I didn't look like too much of a flake.

I'm glad it's raining tomorrow, it'll wash the stinky dog puke off the balcony carpet - I can't breathe in here, what a horrible smell. Need to be at work extra early so that's always fun... being locked in meetings all day with crappy pizza for lunch and trying not to fall asleep among the droning voices... zzzz... powepoints.... zzzz...

It's been a strange day overall, and I can honestly say I'm glad it's almost over. The highlight was a phonecall from my sweetie tonight, a balm on my scraped soul - love grows in leaps and bounds by the day and you know, I am finally accepting that this isn't luck, this is Destiny. The missing yang for my yin. We've put the wheels into motion for him to get transferred here next year and so far the response has been positive... everyone's so happy we're together, it almost feels incestuous in a way, LOL! (we work for the same company, in case you wondered. sheesh!) One day at a time. One moment at a time. But one life, together.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Equilibrium of two souls

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
"He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven"

Be your own goddess

"You are a puppet, but in the hands of the infinite, which may be your own." ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Blah blah blah shaddap!

There's nothing on TV, so thank god for iTunes to keep me company while I waste hours of daylight mindlessly surfing the net and contemplating the upcoming work-week with horror. Is it me, or are 9am-to-6pm death by powerpoint neverending meetings a curse of modern life? And what did I do to deserve this? Wonder if I'll get fired for falling asleep in the middle of an onslaught of blahblahblahbleeeerrph. FFS! Even coffee can only do so much.

Brunch was tasty, and the company was entertaining - definitely doing that again! and again! I love my maple-syrup drenched pancakes and hot diner coffee, yeah. Just was missing my man to complete the gang... but he'll be back, he'll be back. Funboy, get ready for some mauling :-D

Didn't end up taking many pics this afternoon, the sun wasn't right for some reason. And I had to watch the little one as she was scouting for something dead and smelly to roll in (read: hobo poop) plus my head hurt, can't focus on art with one blind eye. All better now, got loads of healing vibes and voodooed the pain away. Well my neck is still killing me but what can ya do, just have to wait it out I guess. I do miss my neck rubs. Sigh.

Do people really eat deep fried mars bars, or is that just a myth?

Amazing autumn day

Sunny! 20C! Warm breeze! Brilliant leaves! Hardly possible to stay indoors, despite the headache... had a lovely brunch with the gang (mmm pancakes) and now laundry is in the washer, the appartment looks decent albeit not sparkling clean - I can't be bothered - the kids are in their afternoon siesta mode so I'm just gonna grab my camera and get some air... who knows where that will lead me.

Headache, pt 2

Looks like I can't hide from this one. Sigh. If only it will hold until mid-afternoon then I'll be ok... no way am I missing brunch with the gang on this warm gorgeous sunny day. And I need to take the kids out to the field first, momma's got some duties! Will eat *more* painkillers and pray for clemency.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

I found his bint!

Remember the well-endowed sock monkey? Now we know what all the excitement was all about. There's something about red lipstick and fishnets... hehe.

My heaven

"If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters." ~Author unknown, attributed to Jim Davis

Giant waste of time

Fuuuuuuuck! I hadn't had a killer migraine like that in over 6 months. Hell isn't flames and pitchforks, it's a migraine that cracks your head in two, throbs and throws your head in the toilet in big heaves of nausea. And the damn "superdrugs" take 3 hours to give any relief, pray tell what IS the point? Thank god the kids were angels today, they let me pass out until 5pm with not a peep. Nobody ate, nobody played. Sucks the big horse.

Sometimes, you just have to accept that the day is a write-off and hope the next one is better... Tomorrow is brunch with the gang (minus the Supernerds), that's my big accomplishment for the weekend. Screw the housework and shopping and cleaning, as long as the kids are fed, exercised and cleaned then that's all I can manage. I think I took a shower today so that's good. So stoned, my brain is swiss cheese. Fuuuuuuuuuuck!

Friday, October 19, 2007

We share the night sky

"Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age." ~John Dryden

Chug chug chug

My laptop is full. I keep compressing old files and doing disk cleanups, backing up photos on an external hard-drive but still... music takes up alot of space I guess. And I can't expand my machine's memory either - rats. Am only planning on getting a new machine in a year or so, I better start putting this one on a diet.

The kids' tummies seem OK tonight, crossing fingers they let me sleep late tomorrow - I taxed my reserves and have to catch up before a cold catches *me*. Next week is kinda awful at work, am stuck for 3 straight days in booooring planning meetings while my regular work piles up, which leaves me Friday to scramble through as much as I can, oh how crappy. Oh and no logging onto Facebook or blogging or chatting during these long days either, there are even work dinners for the evenings - I might have to bow out of those if I can, unless my dogsitter can take the kids for a few hours one night. Sigh. It's like juggling cats on fire. And my arms are tired.

This little wolf is off to bed now, g'nite peeps. Be well.

Well THAT was a useless poll!

100% of the votes (16 times!) were for Pro-Choice, viva women's right to abortion. I have rockin' readers, wooo! So I put up a new vapid one for a change. You can see the frame of mind I'm in.

Still pouring out, still bleh. Dinner was a cinnamon-raisin bagel with cream cheese and orange juice, and I smell cookies for dessert - must have been inspired by Martini Girl's diet rant. I mean holy hell give the girl a break, it's a PMS Friday night and I'm in pyjamas at 8pm, whaddaya want? Caviar is for people with no sense of adventure, I tell ya.

Manifesto

"Liberty is the possibility of doubting, of making a mistake,... of searching and experimenting,... of saying No to any authority - literary, artistic, philosophical, religious, social, and even political." ~Ignazio Silone, The God That Failed, 1950

Funny tarot

Today's reading:

The Fool desires to achieve great things in life, but does not always anticipate the hard work required. Full of curiosity and searching for answers, the Fool symbolizes a new beginning and endless optimism. He must be careful in the decisions he makes, as his lack of experience is often a hindrance. While others may avoid taking on insurmountable odds, The Fool will attempt to accomplish near impossible goals with almost reckless abandon.

...so I'm OK to climb Mount Everest in nothing but a pair of high-heels and a tutu, yes? Works for me! *grin*

Making good headway into my workload today... feels good. So does the yummy swiss milk chocolate melting in my mouth - screw you, PMS! I'll end this snippet of a post with a funny I read today:

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"

The little guy thinks "geez!" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan!"

The little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He's gone for an hour and then returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONG!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."

Hunny, are we doing something wrong?

"Vacation: Two weeks on the sunny sands - and the rest of the year on the financial rocks." ~Sam Ewing

Bleh.

The mild autumn weather is nice, but why does it have to be cloudy and rainy? Can't we just have a nice day, no strings attached? Bleh.

Went to bed too late last night, had a mild anxiety attack while trying to fall asleep, was haunted by strange-creature dreams for the 5 hours I managed to conk out... thank god it's Friday or I might not last another work day. Bleh.

Have a headache today, of course. Bleh.

And of course it's garbage day, always love lugging the huge putrid bag down 3 flights of stairs. Bleh.

Fucking 'ell... am exhausted from 4 straight months of physical and emotional upheavals, time to chillax now and just recuperate. I think I'm going to spend most of November sleeping, that's what (well I say that, but we all know that ain't gonna happen). Just praying the dogs aren't sick in the house today, the last thing I want to come home to is stinky poop on the floors. They looked ok this morning, so crossing fingers. Bleh.

I miss my sweet wolf - why is fucking England so far away?

BLEH!

Can you hear me?

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated." ~Lamartine

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Happy belated, sweet peanut

I am a horrible mama. Yesterday was my little girl's 2nd birthday... and I completely forgot. Ironically, we met her maternal grandmother in the field last night, of all things - coincidence?! I had never even seen that sweet white akita in the city before, let alone in "our running space" in the middle of nowhere. I've given up thinking things just happen randomly in this life, for no reason at all except to amuse darwin's walking fish. *shakes head*

We are swords

"We are double-edged blades, and every time we whet our virtue the return stroke strops our vice." ~Henry David Thoreau

The rockiest roads lead to the best scenery

There is merit to working towards a goal, to jumping through the hoops and enduring those sleepless nights and bleary days of longing... who wants to drive on the straight boring paved highway, littered with McDonald's and drive-through donut shops? Kill me now!

"Know hope" is my motto.

Rolling back to my posts from last spring, the silent cry for help is now apparent - although I didn't know at the time what was going to happen the next six months of my life, something big had to change. It wasn't a bad situation, but it wasn't going anywhere either and that smothered the life out of the ex and I. Yes, it was the right decision and yes, all the pain and upheavals were worth it.

And now comes another level of gravel stairs, leading up to mount everest.

People get a look of confusion on their faces when I tell them what is happening: am I repeating a pattern? Why do I always get into difficult (read: impossible) situations? Why can't I fall in love with a nice local boy with no strings attached? Hah. Not only am I not wired that way, but I have no control of over Fate and her wicked plans for my sorry ass so I'm just going along for the ride, hanging on as best I can. Fuck the merry-go-round, gimme a seatbelt and the crazy rollercoasters: I want to FEEL and I want to LIVE!

On that note, the next few months will feed off the foundations built the past few weeks - which are thankfully brick-solid. No doubt life will get difficult before it gets easier... days are getting shorter and colder, work is starting to weigh in more, I need to get myself into shape with a better diet, exercise and sleep... the kids take up most of my free time so I better find activities to incorporate everything in an organic manner lest I lose my mind. Social life needs a kick in the butt so yeah, need to take care of that too. Anything to keep sane until life with the Triple P's can become a reality, someday down the road.

Oh, what a trip, what a tripping trippy trip we've bought tickets for. And no cancellation insurance: that's just for wankers!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

On forging ahead

"Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history."
~Joan Wallach Scott

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Last poll question: You meet the love of your life... but he/she lives in another country. Would you move there to be with them?

You voted:
Yes - true love is hard to find, why miss the chance? 47%
Maybe, it would depend on logistics and all that. 40%
No I am happy where I am - let them come to me instead! 13%

I'm happy to see so many optimistic lovers read my garden - keep the hope up, peeps!

Chillaxing...

"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Finally some relief

Ze big dog is responding to the mega dose of probiotics he got last night (yaay for Bio-K!), which is a huge relief... he was his happy self this morning with no signs of intestinal distress. He did go nuts for last night's dinner of boiled brown rice and lean chicken, and again this morning. So if all keeps going well after more probiotics, he'll be back on his regular raw diet by tomorrow and we'll have avoided a trip to the vet for antibiotics and such. If it can be done the natural way, that's the path we'll take.

Spoke to the neighbor's roommate yesterday evening and he said the dog is recuperating nicely so that's good, but the guy's knee has nerve damage and is not healing well. *crosses fingers there is no permanent damage* BTW these guys live in the appartment under mine, so if they get pissed at me it can get ugly - just hoping all ends well, this is a bit stressful to be honest...

Work beckons, gotta run for now - sunshine waves to y'all!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Yeah baby, yeah!

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton.

Sick as a dog

Well that expression makes sense after you've seen your dog sick for 3 straight days... His last meal was Saturday and again this morning he had a hose attached to his rear end, it's getting scary actually. His mood is fine, no fever or anything but he is losing weight and I can't feed him anything yet, he can't keep anything down. Sigh. He hasn't been this sick in years and I have no idea what started it - the little one is superfine and they both eat the same things so WTF?

I'll pick up some probiotics & slippery elm tonight at the health food store on my way home, and boil up some rice and skinless chicken to see if he can keep that down. If he's still sick tomorrow then it's off to the vet for some antibiotics... will this ever end? :-(

Other than that it's a typical "after vacation Monday rush", cloudy outside but dry, it's nice to be back in the beat actually. Soon I'll have time to catch up on everyone's blogs - and thanks for keeping me company the past few weeks even if the entries have been sporadic and unrefined. So much has happened, it's now quasi-impossible to wrap it all up but suffice to say: I am happy, I am in love and life just rocks if you can learn to roll with the punches and seperate fact from fiction. Am still mourning my past and dealing with issues but that too will pass. After all, it's the future that counts - and it is what you make it to be.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

To begin, one must end

"While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the remains of it." ~Samuel Johnson

Inventory

My dog: one small tooth scrape on his gum, thin, lethargic and dehydrated from major upset tummy with runs and rumbles.

Neighbor: 3 stitches to his knee, antibiotics, huge bandage, a limp, and return visits to the hospital to see if his knee needs more stitches. He's worried he might miss work and lose his job.

Neighbor's dog: emergency vet visit at 1am, huge vet bill, 14 stitches to his front elbow and leg, ripped ligaments and tendons - he might never again walk without a limp.

Me: an emotional and physical wreck. Adrenaline sucks.

Lesson: never, ever try to break up a dog fight unless you're very experienced and have the proper tools and techniques to attempt such a thing. What a fucking nightmare. :-(

Effing hell!

It finally happened. My boy and the skanky pothead neighbor's dog got into a full-on fight on the sidewalk in front of our place tonight - I'm still shaking like a leaf. My dog is all right and I think the other dog is too but the idiot guy got in the middle and got bitten on the leg - there was so much fur, spit, snarling and screaming going on that it's impossible to tell which dog got him. Fucking moron: I kept yelling at him to calm down and let the dogs do what they needed to do. UGH. After the long fight my dog got really sick, it came out from both ends - damn adrenaline. I just hope there won't be too many messes in the house when I get up in the morning. Sigh.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Still feels like forever

"The darkest hour has only sixty minutes." ~Morris Mandel

English weather

Yup. It's been crappy the past few days, with today's high capping 9C in the cold rain - eeek! It's scheduled to get better soon though, so that's ok. Just doing laundry now, set a big pot of broth to simmer on the stove (yaaay for chicken and turkey leftover booones!) so dinner will be something warm and homemade and yummy. Definitely a cuddle and movie day, yep...

Lucky dogs are getting a nice long walk in the park right now despite the shitty weather so that gives me a nice break - not looking forward to a super long and gross November though. At least the extra exercise will pay off and hopefully keep my mind off missing P day and night. Thank god for webcams!

Smells really good in here now.

I had to write that cuz the big beanie crapped in the appartment twice today, don't know what's wrong with him - little peanut is fine. It's like they take turns or something. Stinkers. Oh and she split my lip with her paw this afternoon in her enthusiasm to greet me, so guess who's getting a pedicure today? Yep. Happy times!

Last bit: we had brunch with a Supernerd today - the kind that just invites himself to a friend's outing with people he's never met in his life, not caring if he gives everyone hives? Yep. 'Twas an exercise in restraint not to scream "shut the fuck up! nobody cares! stop the donkey noises! Gaaawd!" My eyes hurt from all the rolling in my head everytime he opened his trap to regurgitate a nonsensical banality. It was a relief to find out after the brunch that hey, we ALL wanted to kill the bonehead. I guess I'm normal.

Yes...

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures." ~Thornton Wilder

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Quiet rainy autumn night

It's too shitty cold and wet to take the kids out... but... I gotta. They've been so good and patient with the visit today, specially with a hyperactive curious 17-mth old boy running around everywhere -lordy, how do parents do it... I am SO never having kids. *shudder*. Poor P is crashed out on the bed, I think he broke out in hives, LOL! And he's a dad... go figure.

Nothing on TV tonight, just got an unprovoked vitriolic email from the Ex that made me shake my head and sigh, I can't drink excessive amounts of alcohol for the next week so no mental oblivion there - bleh. At least the homemade apple pie was pretty tasty.

Ah my man's awake! Time for real life, virtuality is on pause now. I smile.

Today's public service announcement.

Meeeooow.

Snobby tat shop

Hunh. I got sneered at when I asked about the new "magic tattoo ink" yesterday at the place we scouted out, the little twat at the counter was having fun sermonizing "we don't want our clients to be guinea pigs" and "we only tattoo people who know what they want" and "our artists are purists" and oh give me a fucking break, you airhead twit! She had no idea what I was talking about so she hid behind lofty statements that made us break out in hives - raaaah!

I love him. My man, I mean. He just... gets me. He's making me realize that it wasn't my fault the Oz relationship failed, it wasn't me that wasn't good enough and the ex came with issues that I cannot take personally - even now as I'm finding out things that I would consider "betrayals" - well they're not my problems to deal with. When your partner cannot be honest about certain things, it gets to such a point of no return that even when confronted with evidence, denial will still be the only way of survival and it's not me who has done anything wrong.

Breathe.

Still am floored about the Ex not caring enough to drop me a one line email or text message to say he landed safe and sound back home. If he had no access to a phone or internet I would understand. But no. He was online and completely ignored me. WTF is that?! Almost 5 years of friendship and this is all there is left? I know he's busy and overwhelmed with a bunch of stuff - thanksgiving "russian turkey" being prominent on his plate - but still. It's so disrespectful, it has pierced me through the heart. I guess I am easy to forget.

Breathe.

Time to take the kids out and feed them brunch, we have company over for an early dinner so the home-made apple pie needs to go in the oven soon... it's all good. Breathing now. Focussing on the future and it is beautiful... This one goes to eleven and a haaaawf.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Carving the future


Another warm beautiful day is underway, despite a hiccup or two - doggiegirl woke me up in the early morning hours for an emergency bio-break, always a pleasant event to stumble in the dark bare-footed in boots and being heckled by morning birds "get off my laaawwwn!". Meh.

Time is being kind, ambling along at just the right speed for now. Vacation and relaxation finally sinking in despite crazy sleep hours, semi-decent food and emotional overloads from all angles.

The future is shaping up to be quite the adventure, everything seems possible yet there is a certain calm prevailing the whole thing, none of that desperation of running away from something in hope of an escape to greener pastures... that's what happens when you've met your match, in a way. You feel calm, assured and at peace with the pace. No pedal to the metal madness. That might change later on but for now? Cool beans.

(not ready to kiss and tell!)

Queen of the three P's

It could be anything, really... P is whispering naughty suggestive things such as phucking, phornicating and phrolicking but hmm I dunno - is this a PG-rated site? Better I be quiet now, lest I be seen as a philandering phox. Or is that vixen? *snicker*

I'm all eated out. No really, sooo much food (phood?) is needed lately as fuel (gaaack! phuel, ok? are ya happy?), tonight was lovely arugula salad with pine nuts, a bottle of red and skinny pizza rreeerrr, tomorrow we take D out for (ph)ish and chips, Thursday we have friends over for dinner and then Friday we meet Cocotte at Whiskey Bar for brandy and chocolate to kick off our last weekend together until the holidays... almost makes me sick to think about being apart for so long. Deep breath. We knew what we were getting into so I'm not really allowed to complain. Sigh.

This one goes to Eleven and there shall be a tattoo to prove it. Maybe two tattoos.

This is... so wrong!

I don't know where to begin on this one... yeeeash.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Belle of the ball

I'm feeling like a princess living every woman's dream... to belong, to be adored and cherished, challenged and understood - and to give it all back unreservedly. Sometimes the window Life closed was a backdraft from the door opened on the other side and you just gotta walk through that fire to get there - and fuck the flamesuit!

Am still on vacation for another week and although sleep is not plentiful, the break in routine is a rush of new blood in my veins. P and I have hardly left the appartment but you know what? There is no need to when everything is happening inside - no need for outside distractions. Love not only gives you new wings, it lets you discover who you really are under that veneer, what you are made of and aspire to be. Soulmates... they get you, simple as that. Yeah.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Delicate emotions

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." ~Colette

Crisp autumn delights

12C of blue sun and a slight breeze just calls for an afternoon in the countryside on a mountain top... we're visiting my brother's shack today, it's a family gathering of sorts and the dogs will have a blast, I'm sure. I'll try to snap some pics (am way behind in life's moments) and empty my camera at some point... Am just too busy enjoying life with my man right now, it's more poignant when the days are counted sooo... computer off, reality on - and I'll be back online next week in a real fashion. I miss you peeps!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Heaven and Earth

"Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement." ~Alfred Adler

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Of flesh and bone

"There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if we can only come to our senses and feel it." ~Elizabeth A. Behnke

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

These boots are made for walking

Well, sports shoes actually... we walked for miles and miles today, all over the mountain and the city, what a gorgeous warm autumn day it was - unseasonably hot actually, it's like a dream. The kids had a blast and then passed out for the rest of the day, while we went out to shop, stuff our faces with smoked meat (no bones!) and count the number of stripper clubs and sex shops on the lovely sainte catherine - hoot!

The journey continues, each step more wonderful than the one before it. Wheels greased by Tuaca and the fascination of fate and life chances - to say the sky is the limit is absurd. Yes, love lives in the hearts and souls of even the most sceptical of travellers.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Live, life, love.

"Who will tell whether one happy moment of love or the joy of breathing or walking on a bright morning and smelling the fresh air, is not worth all the suffering and effort which life implies." ~Erich Fromm

Alive and kicking!

I'll soon take the time to write a bit about what's happening these days, but for now it's best to just live and get a perspective on it later... although it will be hard to not be biased. You leave one life because another awaits you, a tree that is always growing branches towards the sky - this is my springtime, my awakening. I am a phoenix and I am consumed.