Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Being barely conscious after the speedwalk home from work, Dave Seaman playing loud enough to blast holes through my eardrums, stomach a tight knot of burning pain and my hands wet and shaking, I don't even remember reaching for the green medicine, only remember that the first couple of puffs were not satisfying so the 3rd one I inhaled like crazy and ohgod, what a cloud! Wheee!
What I didn't know was that driving stoned is pretty damn funny. And hard.
My friend kept looking at me funny as we were shopping for groceries, I think I was coherent most of the time but at the cash I must have been speaking to myself cuz he and the cashier both stopped, stared and went "what did you say? are you ok?" *giggles* Must have been the bananas I was handling.
Then of course the munchies hit so we stopped for überjunkfood (hotdogs! fries! coke!), yadi yadi and now here I am, patiently waiting for Vegassss to get his aaassss home and online dammit, I miss him! Text messages can only get you so far, LOL!
C'mon c'mon c'moooon already. Sigh. Tap. Tap. Tap.
I think I'm going to hit the vodka martinis now.
Vegas has given me some tools for reprogramming my subconscious, at this point I fling my hands up in the air and say "I'll try anything!" - he deserves better than me right now, or rather the state that I am in.
I want purity. I want inner peace and clear blue skies. I want to be able to trust and to love with no reserves and without any doubts, fears or uncertainties. Dammit I deserve this... and I deserve him and this chance at happiness and a bright future. That, I know for a fact - and I refuse to listen to those voices anymore, I am NOT fucking this up!
So nerr. Deeeep breath. Everything is going to be OK.
Everything _is_ OK.
There is a thing called Karma, that instills the concept that you get what you give in life. Not at the molecular level, but rather at a higher, all -encompassing level. I was pondering earlier on if some people just attracted more love and luck in their lives than others by faith and hard work, or if they were just destined to "be" and no matter what they did, they would succeed.
IMO: life is work, it's hard work. Those who sit back and complain that no matter what they do, they're not lucky in life and in love? Fuck that. Being a victim and hanging onto others for the ride will lead you straight back to nowhere. But the minute you take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness? Bingo - the road opens up and suddenly, you're moving. Things change, you take on a glowing strength, you change and people start noticing how lovely you are - not how lovely the person you're with is.
My dad used to say: "Practice does NOT make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." So many people cannot differentiate the two, and wonder why they never get anywhere in life. Remember that it's ok to sometimes have dark moments, there is no growth without pain... But the only way people can step on you is if you're lying down. Get UP. Get moving. Let go of the past - you cannot capture the wind, it will only caress your face if it WANTS to, and then it moves on.
Be the wind... be better than what you think you can be, and eventually you will BE that better person.
OK - peace, out.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I count myself lucky to always have believed in love, in kindred spirits and in soulmates - and that a greater force out there exists that puts people in each other's lives for a reason. I should have been a cynic, considering all the crap I went through... ironically, love and infatuation with the opposite sex were my driving forces and provided the escape I needed to survive. I guess you could say love saved me from drowning in the sea of banality that seems to swallow alot of people in this world.
But... Do we make our own luck in this life? Are some of us destined for great things that others only dream about? I don't know. Right now life is becoming more and more incredible as the days and weeks roll forwards - occasional dark moments notwithstanding - and I keep thanking Fate for all its blessings, but am I really thanking the right entity?
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, the man jumped. The blonde gave the redhead $50.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No, a bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on TV on the five o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde says, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Vegas is coming to visit me again in 4 weeks, woooo! 10 weeks were just not realistic so fuckit. This spaces things out more and makes life more bearable, LDR's suck enough as it is - so yeah. It's funny how everyone at work is cheering for us, it kinda feels incestuous in a way to be honest. But whatever. You don't choose love, it chooses you.
One more hour of work left. Hot orange pekoe tea to the rescue, please!
Monday, October 29, 2007
I always thought I was above such things, strong enough to keep control and channel energy into manageable bites. Hah! I guess not.
It makes sense that today's tarot card reads:
The Hanged Man - This card denotes the need to look at your current situation from a different perspective. The Hanged Man creates change by acting passively and accepting fate. By surrendering control and making yourself vulnerable, you will facilitate change in your life. In order to see the bigger picture, you will need to take a step back.
A huge thanks to all my friends (and specially to Vegas) who are being patient and loving guiding lights during this difficult time of my life. I know it won't last forever and that better days are just around the corner. *huge hugs*
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I never thought I'd go this far
I try to find the strength I need
And if I have strength then I've belief
The picture fades, the light recedes
I'm going through another driftwood stage. I feel lost. I know I need to cast my anchor but the strength just escapes me at the moment, as my energy is consumed with trying to find a reason for my place on this earth. Sleep, eat, drink, produce waste. Earn money, spend money. Clean things, make other things dirty. Push paper, listen to music, tap on the keyboard. Walk here, drive there, talk, sleep some more. Shower, watch TV, show up at work. Be a mom, a daughter, a friend and a lover.
If I'm so important, why do I feel like a meteor fading in the night sky? What will be left of me when I die except a few photographs? It's like that joke "Mommy mommy! I'm tired of running around in circles!" "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot down!" Vegas summed it up the other day: Just like a circle, it has no point. And right now, that's about how I feel about my life. The sun is setting and I'm asking myself why I need to get up tomorrow morning.
Oh right, yeah. The dogs need me.
Drove them to the mountain this morning so they could have some new scenery to run in and a break from the routine. Drove back home, spent a while making their food for the day and tomorrow morning, then washed up the mess, fed them, freshened their water and cleaned up again. Ran a few errands, ate a bite and then spent another 45 minutes grooming them (foot fur trim, nail clipping, whisker clipping, ear cleaning, tooth brushing, coat brushing). And then the mess had to be vaccuumed up and dusted off the furniture.
Now they're out on the balcony, staring inside and waiting to be brought out again to the field for their evening run. And of course later again comes dinner and washing up.
How single parents survive with skinkids, I have no idea.
I guess if my back wasn't giving me such grief I could be enjoying all this exercise instead of complaining. I dunno. Am just not ready for another Monday just around the bend, maybe that's why I feel so disconnected with the world and still "meh". I'm trying the positive mantras, trying to change my attitude towards Life and appreciate all the good things surrounding me (and trust me, it's a LOT!) but my heart's just not in it.
What can I say, I'm a not a good faker.
Patience is a virtue I just don't have much of. And then I get what I want, and miss what I still don't have. Maybe I just need chocolate therapy (right, Prin?) *goes off to hunt down chocklit*
Mmm. Tasty, fattening, I don't give a damn, I need something to replace sex and tenderness. I miss being cuddled, I miss being held, I miss having someone here to rub my shoulders when I feel like crap. The transition to living alone isn't all that bad, I mean I quite like having my own space and doing what I want, when and how I want it. But you always have to give something up to get something else, and right now I'm just not sure what I want the most. Crap. I thought I was done with the damn crying. Fucking hopeless!
At least I have the kids to pull me out of the funk, they deserve to go romping while it's still light outside. Focus on being a mom, TD, and everything will be all right. Everything.
What a gorgeous crisp, blue-skied autumn day... slept pretty well and my hip is 50% better, still limping but at least I can get around now. Took the kids for a romp in the woods, the fallen leaves smell wonderful and the air is sooo clean... it's magical! So yeah, my mood has improved despite the calendar laughing in my face "still two months 'till you can see Vegas again, nyah nyah" - oh shaddap already. Webcam dates are an OK substitute, we're lucky to have this technology at all. Mind you, sometimes it just exasperates the whole situation... *goes to climb the walls*
Today is for dog grooming, cooking chili and running errands, all in a relaxed pace - must take it easy or risk fucking things up for the week. Yeah. Sloooow and eeeasy does it. Meow!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
The pickle? It's raining and I have to take the dogs out, they haven't had a bio break in over 16 hours and.... I can't walk. Seriously. I'm stoned on muscle relaxants and painkillers but I'm still hopping on one leg. To boot, the appartment is 3 flights of stairs up from street level - wtf am I going to do? At this point it's wince and bear it but what about later tonight? And no, there is no-one who can come help me either. It's just one of the joys of single motherhood, I guess. Sigh.
The melonhead also has a vet appointment in two hours to monitor his thyroid, he's a week overdue but I had NO time to take him this past week. I hope I make it in one piece.
OK coffee done, time to get out of these comfy jammies and face the challenges. Wish me luck!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Mantra: "Everything is all right. This happiness and love are deserved and they will be stronger than anything else that gets in the way." Repeat as needed. So far, I've eleven repetitions down and I feel loads better. Sigh. Love rocks.
Even if you end up back at the starting point, you feel as if you've been somewhere. You're pushing to get ahead, but you might become frustrated. Change will not happen as quickly as you would like. Redirect your negative energy toward a positive goal and you will achieve much more success.
The Star represents hope and optimism and the arrival of unexpected help. Now is the time to strive for goals that at one time seemed unattainable. Nothing is out of your reach now, so do not hold back. While the Star does not predict any immediate change, it does represent the limitless possibilities that life has to offer.
Just spoke to Vegas and I don't know if it made it worse or better, I just miss him so damn much - he's amazing for sticking around like that, seeing me through this hard crappy time without losing his courage. Am seriously starting to wonder if I'm going through mild depression or something. It's just not "me" to be like this. Smiling feels like work, I've no appetite nor feel like doing anything much except sleeping or surfing the web like a zombie, blogging about nothing and playing virtual scrabble.
Bleh, bleh, BLEH.
I'm out of here in two hours, I just can't focus on anything positive. Will push the paper that needs to be pushed, then head home to take care of the kids. Need to make a list of things to do this weekend or I'll do fuck-all and feel even worse later on.
Is it 7pm yet?
OK since humour is the best medecine... I'll end this silly post with one of my favorite jokes of all time. Enjoy.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Sunny and crisp outside, I love it.
What are you all doing this weekend? Nothing much planned here besides dog grooming, a brunch with N, catching up on housework, I'll probably cook up a pot of autumn soup and try to watch a movie or two. If the weather is nice on Sunday, the kids need a wild romp in the woods to work the kinks out (tomorrow is rain, I just checked). Such is the life of a single girl, or rather a taken girl whose Vegas lives across the sea. It ain't that bad, we have webcams, msm, the phone and all that - see, am doing a good job of trying to convince myself this doesn't suck. WhoopDeDoo!
I should go to work now. Chug chug chug.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
So this calls for a hot bubble bath. Right now. Purrrr.
Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: What?
Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
Britney has a new CD out - does anybody care? No? Ok let's move on.
So it is normal to be happy and in love, but yet a part of your heart is still elsewhere in mourning? Even if that which you are grieving for wasn't viable in the long term and it needed to end, for life to continue on another path? That's where I am right now. Sandwiched and trying to keep my head in the clouds and feet on the ground, who knows what my middle part is doing. Yeah the one housing all vital organs.
Bleh. I'm exhausted, malnourished, under-exercised and need to shut the fuck up and just get my life back on track. Ranting does help though. Is that what blogs are for?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Read somewhere today:
Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
I think I feel like crap cuz all I've eaten the past two days are tons of carbs and sugar, and I'm talking muffins, bagels, pizza, sandwiches, granola bars, loads of coffee... Tonight's dinner was an appletini and a bowl of cream of mushroom soup. Completely retarded. Gawd I feel out of control and it has to stoooooopppp!
This carby bint is shutting down. G'nite peeps.
Missing Vegas like mad today, and he hasn't even been gone a week. Holy shit am I ever in a bad mood right now. Better I not blog lest this turn into a crapfest.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Blustery autumn has finally come knocking, it's most gross and depressing in a way: got up this morning and gasp! it was still dark! Walked the kids in the rain, came home to walk them again in the rain. Tomorrow should be dry but the warm indian summer is definitely over... it was short and sweet. But I don't care... every day I lay my head down to sleep at night is a good one that was fully enjoyed, yet I'm happy it is over as that makes me that much closer to seeing my man again. Yey!
For this blog's purpose I shall dub him "Vegas". Not that he is a gamble in any way, more like he won my heart and I his in a crazy double jackpot. Plus Vegas is fun, it is light and laughs and mirrors and dressing up and dressing down, a beautiful veneer that can so easily be stripped down to the core in a flash, an oasis in the middle of the desert, what beauty is revealed is only for the eyes of the beholder... Vegas is not for the faint of heart. What can I say... we rock and we are a dream come true. We are *making* it come true - impossible to ignore Fate when it comes smashing down your door. 'ello.
Monday, October 22, 2007
It put life back into perspective really fast.
Work settled down after that call. I cleaned off my desk and put some order into things, so the rest of the week won't be a nightmare. Walked home in a balmy 24C autumn day, the sun on my face and happy to be alive. Took the kids out for a run in the field, the big idiot ate a mouse *while* he was crapping and I was yelling at him to DROP IT - which he did, down his throat - and now he's been puking for 20 minutes on the balcony, what a fucking mess. Again another day without any dinner, I'm about to lose my mind. WTF is wrong with these damn dogs?! Raaaaaahhh!
On a less dramatic note, my workday fishtailed like this:
5:15pm, getting ready to leave. My semi-boss sticks his head in my office "hey can you do something for me really quick?" Red warning bells.
Me: "ok, but I need to leave soon, what do you need?"
SB: "a report showing so and so"
Me: "ah that's easy, just need to filter out some data of an existing report"
At that point the batteries on my wireless mouse decided to die. I went to find new ones but the supply girl had gone home. OK, I tried to plug in my normal wired mouse, to no avail. Fuck. Figured out that by jiggering the batteries and switching the mouse off and on, I could get 15 seconds of power at a time. How fun. And I don't have a laptop so I *need* a mouse.
Managed to get the report done, slapped it into an email, pressed send and got:
"You have exceeded the storage limit in your mailbox. Please delete some items bla bla".
Are you fucking kidding me??? Jigger the mouse batteries, sweat cuz blood pressure is rising and the clock is ticking and I've got stinkbombs ready to go off at home, manage to empty my deleted items folder, click send and
"You have exceeded the storage limit in your mailbox. Please delete some items bla bla".
It's just soooo not funny when it happens to you. Sigh. After some deep breathing and thinking about heart attacks, I called SB over to my office and asked him to look at the data and pick what he needed, cuz I was outta there. At least I didn't look like too much of a flake.
I'm glad it's raining tomorrow, it'll wash the stinky dog puke off the balcony carpet - I can't breathe in here, what a horrible smell. Need to be at work extra early so that's always fun... being locked in meetings all day with crappy pizza for lunch and trying not to fall asleep among the droning voices... zzzz... powepoints.... zzzz...
It's been a strange day overall, and I can honestly say I'm glad it's almost over. The highlight was a phonecall from my sweetie tonight, a balm on my scraped soul - love grows in leaps and bounds by the day and you know, I am finally accepting that this isn't luck, this is Destiny. The missing yang for my yin. We've put the wheels into motion for him to get transferred here next year and so far the response has been positive... everyone's so happy we're together, it almost feels incestuous in a way, LOL! (we work for the same company, in case you wondered. sheesh!) One day at a time. One moment at a time. But one life, together.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)
Brunch was tasty, and the company was entertaining - definitely doing that again! and again! I love my maple-syrup drenched pancakes and hot diner coffee, yeah. Just was missing my man to complete the gang... but he'll be back, he'll be back. Funboy, get ready for some mauling :-D
Didn't end up taking many pics this afternoon, the sun wasn't right for some reason. And I had to watch the little one as she was scouting for something dead and smelly to roll in (read: hobo poop) plus my head hurt, can't focus on art with one blind eye. All better now, got loads of healing vibes and voodooed the pain away. Well my neck is still killing me but what can ya do, just have to wait it out I guess. I do miss my neck rubs. Sigh.
Do people really eat deep fried mars bars, or is that just a myth?
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sometimes, you just have to accept that the day is a write-off and hope the next one is better... Tomorrow is brunch with the gang (minus the Supernerds), that's my big accomplishment for the weekend. Screw the housework and shopping and cleaning, as long as the kids are fed, exercised and cleaned then that's all I can manage. I think I took a shower today so that's good. So stoned, my brain is swiss cheese. Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
Friday, October 19, 2007
The kids' tummies seem OK tonight, crossing fingers they let me sleep late tomorrow - I taxed my reserves and have to catch up before a cold catches *me*. Next week is kinda awful at work, am stuck for 3 straight days in booooring planning meetings while my regular work piles up, which leaves me Friday to scramble through as much as I can, oh how crappy. Oh and no logging onto Facebook or blogging or chatting during these long days either, there are even work dinners for the evenings - I might have to bow out of those if I can, unless my dogsitter can take the kids for a few hours one night. Sigh. It's like juggling cats on fire. And my arms are tired.
This little wolf is off to bed now, g'nite peeps. Be well.
Still pouring out, still bleh. Dinner was a cinnamon-raisin bagel with cream cheese and orange juice, and I smell cookies for dessert - must have been inspired by Martini Girl's diet rant. I mean holy hell give the girl a break, it's a PMS Friday night and I'm in pyjamas at 8pm, whaddaya want? Caviar is for people with no sense of adventure, I tell ya.
The Fool desires to achieve great things in life, but does not always anticipate the hard work required. Full of curiosity and searching for answers, the Fool symbolizes a new beginning and endless optimism. He must be careful in the decisions he makes, as his lack of experience is often a hindrance. While others may avoid taking on insurmountable odds, The Fool will attempt to accomplish near impossible goals with almost reckless abandon.
...so I'm OK to climb Mount Everest in nothing but a pair of high-heels and a tutu, yes? Works for me! *grin*
Making good headway into my workload today... feels good. So does the yummy swiss milk chocolate melting in my mouth - screw you, PMS! I'll end this snippet of a post with a funny I read today:
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!-- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea!"
The little guy thinks "geez!" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan!"
The little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He's gone for an hour and then returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --BONG!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold.
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart."
Went to bed too late last night, had a mild anxiety attack while trying to fall asleep, was haunted by strange-creature dreams for the 5 hours I managed to conk out... thank god it's Friday or I might not last another work day. Bleh.
Have a headache today, of course. Bleh.
And of course it's garbage day, always love lugging the huge putrid bag down 3 flights of stairs. Bleh.
Fucking 'ell... am exhausted from 4 straight months of physical and emotional upheavals, time to chillax now and just recuperate. I think I'm going to spend most of November sleeping, that's what (well I say that, but we all know that ain't gonna happen). Just praying the dogs aren't sick in the house today, the last thing I want to come home to is stinky poop on the floors. They looked ok this morning, so crossing fingers. Bleh.
I miss my sweet wolf - why is fucking England so far away?
Thursday, October 18, 2007
"Know hope" is my motto.
Rolling back to my posts from last spring, the silent cry for help is now apparent - although I didn't know at the time what was going to happen the next six months of my life, something big had to change. It wasn't a bad situation, but it wasn't going anywhere either and that smothered the life out of the ex and I. Yes, it was the right decision and yes, all the pain and upheavals were worth it.
And now comes another level of gravel stairs, leading up to mount everest.
People get a look of confusion on their faces when I tell them what is happening: am I repeating a pattern? Why do I always get into difficult (read: impossible) situations? Why can't I fall in love with a nice local boy with no strings attached? Hah. Not only am I not wired that way, but I have no control of over Fate and her wicked plans for my sorry ass so I'm just going along for the ride, hanging on as best I can. Fuck the merry-go-round, gimme a seatbelt and the crazy rollercoasters: I want to FEEL and I want to LIVE!
On that note, the next few months will feed off the foundations built the past few weeks - which are thankfully brick-solid. No doubt life will get difficult before it gets easier... days are getting shorter and colder, work is starting to weigh in more, I need to get myself into shape with a better diet, exercise and sleep... the kids take up most of my free time so I better find activities to incorporate everything in an organic manner lest I lose my mind. Social life needs a kick in the butt so yeah, need to take care of that too. Anything to keep sane until life with the Triple P's can become a reality, someday down the road.
Oh, what a trip, what a tripping trippy trip we've bought tickets for. And no cancellation insurance: that's just for wankers!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Yes - true love is hard to find, why miss the chance? 47%
Maybe, it would depend on logistics and all that. 40%
No I am happy where I am - let them come to me instead! 13%
I'm happy to see so many optimistic lovers read my garden - keep the hope up, peeps!
Spoke to the neighbor's roommate yesterday evening and he said the dog is recuperating nicely so that's good, but the guy's knee has nerve damage and is not healing well. *crosses fingers there is no permanent damage* BTW these guys live in the appartment under mine, so if they get pissed at me it can get ugly - just hoping all ends well, this is a bit stressful to be honest...
Work beckons, gotta run for now - sunshine waves to y'all!
Monday, October 15, 2007
I'll pick up some probiotics & slippery elm tonight at the health food store on my way home, and boil up some rice and skinless chicken to see if he can keep that down. If he's still sick tomorrow then it's off to the vet for some antibiotics... will this ever end? :-(
Other than that it's a typical "after vacation Monday rush", cloudy outside but dry, it's nice to be back in the beat actually. Soon I'll have time to catch up on everyone's blogs - and thanks for keeping me company the past few weeks even if the entries have been sporadic and unrefined. So much has happened, it's now quasi-impossible to wrap it all up but suffice to say: I am happy, I am in love and life just rocks if you can learn to roll with the punches and seperate fact from fiction. Am still mourning my past and dealing with issues but that too will pass. After all, it's the future that counts - and it is what you make it to be.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Neighbor: 3 stitches to his knee, antibiotics, huge bandage, a limp, and return visits to the hospital to see if his knee needs more stitches. He's worried he might miss work and lose his job.
Neighbor's dog: emergency vet visit at 1am, huge vet bill, 14 stitches to his front elbow and leg, ripped ligaments and tendons - he might never again walk without a limp.
Me: an emotional and physical wreck. Adrenaline sucks.
Lesson: never, ever try to break up a dog fight unless you're very experienced and have the proper tools and techniques to attempt such a thing. What a fucking nightmare. :-(
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Lucky dogs are getting a nice long walk in the park right now despite the shitty weather so that gives me a nice break - not looking forward to a super long and gross November though. At least the extra exercise will pay off and hopefully keep my mind off missing P day and night. Thank god for webcams!
Smells really good in here now.
I had to write that cuz the big beanie crapped in the appartment twice today, don't know what's wrong with him - little peanut is fine. It's like they take turns or something. Stinkers. Oh and she split my lip with her paw this afternoon in her enthusiasm to greet me, so guess who's getting a pedicure today? Yep. Happy times!
Last bit: we had brunch with a Supernerd today - the kind that just invites himself to a friend's outing with people he's never met in his life, not caring if he gives everyone hives? Yep. 'Twas an exercise in restraint not to scream "shut the fuck up! nobody cares! stop the donkey noises! Gaaawd!" My eyes hurt from all the rolling in my head everytime he opened his trap to regurgitate a nonsensical banality. It was a relief to find out after the brunch that hey, we ALL wanted to kill the bonehead. I guess I'm normal.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Nothing on TV tonight, just got an unprovoked vitriolic email from the Ex that made me shake my head and sigh, I can't drink excessive amounts of alcohol for the next week so no mental oblivion there - bleh. At least the homemade apple pie was pretty tasty.
Ah my man's awake! Time for real life, virtuality is on pause now. I smile.
I love him. My man, I mean. He just... gets me. He's making me realize that it wasn't my fault the Oz relationship failed, it wasn't me that wasn't good enough and the ex came with issues that I cannot take personally - even now as I'm finding out things that I would consider "betrayals" - well they're not my problems to deal with. When your partner cannot be honest about certain things, it gets to such a point of no return that even when confronted with evidence, denial will still be the only way of survival and it's not me who has done anything wrong.
Still am floored about the Ex not caring enough to drop me a one line email or text message to say he landed safe and sound back home. If he had no access to a phone or internet I would understand. But no. He was online and completely ignored me. WTF is that?! Almost 5 years of friendship and this is all there is left? I know he's busy and overwhelmed with a bunch of stuff - thanksgiving "russian turkey" being prominent on his plate - but still. It's so disrespectful, it has pierced me through the heart. I guess I am easy to forget.
Time to take the kids out and feed them brunch, we have company over for an early dinner so the home-made apple pie needs to go in the oven soon... it's all good. Breathing now. Focussing on the future and it is beautiful... This one goes to eleven and a haaaawf.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Another warm beautiful day is underway, despite a hiccup or two - doggiegirl woke me up in the early morning hours for an emergency bio-break, always a pleasant event to stumble in the dark bare-footed in boots and being heckled by morning birds "get off my laaawwwn!". Meh.
Time is being kind, ambling along at just the right speed for now. Vacation and relaxation finally sinking in despite crazy sleep hours, semi-decent food and emotional overloads from all angles.
The future is shaping up to be quite the adventure, everything seems possible yet there is a certain calm prevailing the whole thing, none of that desperation of running away from something in hope of an escape to greener pastures... that's what happens when you've met your match, in a way. You feel calm, assured and at peace with the pace. No pedal to the metal madness. That might change later on but for now? Cool beans.
(not ready to kiss and tell!)
I'm all eated out. No really, sooo much food (phood?) is needed lately as fuel (gaaack! phuel, ok? are ya happy?), tonight was lovely arugula salad with pine nuts, a bottle of red and skinny pizza rreeerrr, tomorrow we take D out for (ph)ish and chips, Thursday we have friends over for dinner and then Friday we meet Cocotte at Whiskey Bar for brandy and chocolate to kick off our last weekend together until the holidays... almost makes me sick to think about being apart for so long. Deep breath. We knew what we were getting into so I'm not really allowed to complain. Sigh.
This one goes to Eleven and there shall be a tattoo to prove it. Maybe two tattoos.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Am still on vacation for another week and although sleep is not plentiful, the break in routine is a rush of new blood in my veins. P and I have hardly left the appartment but you know what? There is no need to when everything is happening inside - no need for outside distractions. Love not only gives you new wings, it lets you discover who you really are under that veneer, what you are made of and aspire to be. Soulmates... they get you, simple as that. Yeah.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
The journey continues, each step more wonderful than the one before it. Wheels greased by Tuaca and the fascination of fate and life chances - to say the sky is the limit is absurd. Yes, love lives in the hearts and souls of even the most sceptical of travellers.