Friday, July 20, 2007

Can't. breathe.

Took a walk in the rain at lunchtime to go pay a bill downtown, and on the way back to my office my stupid iPod shuffle chose the "Happy XMas (war is over) John Lennon remake by Sarah McLaughlin, and I just about lost it. It flung me 5 months forward into the holiday season, where I will not be celebrating anything except abject misery, in the bleak winter months with nobody to warm my heart and my spirit, nobody to cuddle with on the couch while the snow ticks against the balcony doors, nobody to spoil, to love and just... to hold me in that special way. And BF is being so good to me, so nice and loving and amazing and...

I am grinding my teeth so hard right now to stop the tears from burning my face, I am going to die when he leaves - I need to get out of this office, I can't breathe, it just hurts OK? I can't stand the thought of being in a crowd and feeling like an alien, out of place and so lonely that even if I screamed, nobody would hear. God, are you listening? Are you there?

6 comments:

Daszzle said...

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right now. You're definitely in my thoughts.

Have you considered following the BF?

Smiler said...

Have you read "Women who love too much" yet? I wanted to get it at the bookstore this week but it was on order. Woulda TOTALLY loaned it to ya, cuz girl, looks to me like you really need to figure out why you're so friggin' scared to be on your own.

Also... may I suggest you stop projecting into the future with worst case scenarios? Sounds like yet another form of mental torture and you'll drive yourself NUTS doing that (as you've already just found out today).

Finally, am just finishing "Codependent No More" and I'll be all too happy to pass it on to you.

You need to learn how to be your own best friend. The good news is... it's never too late to do that.

Z28gurl said...

I too am sorry that things are hard, I have no idea really what is going on, but I feel for you from what I read.

I like the advice that preceeds my comment, smiler has many words of wisdom.

Take care of you!

Technodoll said...

(( hugs )) and thanks for the kind words... If I moved to Australia the reverse would just happen after a while (homesick) and he wants a kid, I don't, it's a few key issues that won't go away despite the love we have for each other. Truly sucks. Smiler, I'd love to read the book, it may help me get perspective and find a way to survive the bumps. Now I'm going to put today as PMS, have a good cry and a glass of wine, and hopefully tomorrow the sun will be back. Your support means the world to me... thanks for reading :)

Prin said...

Sorry I'm late... All the good advice has been given already. :D

It's just a perspective adjustment- you have beanies to cuddle with watching the snow and all. You have beanies to spoil. And if all else fails, you can spoil me. I'm not very cuddly though. :D

Right now you're on the "before" side of things, and it's hard, but relationships are harder. Don't whine yourself into thinking they're easy just because the guy's nice to you a few times.

The snow will come, the seasons will change, and you'll get stronger and better with every day that goes by. You'll get used to being by yourself (not ALONE), and you'll cherish the lack of compromise, the free time, the independence... Plus you get to *harumph* any guy you want. ;)

And you'll be open for Mr Perfectforyou. :D If this one wants a kid, ain't no nice gestures gon' make up for that. :D

panthergirl said...

And remember that the relationship is far from perfect to begin with... this might be just what you need to finally find someone whom you can trust and who will trust you with his heart.